WEATHER »

Pole Positions


It started out as an innocent evening, with plans to meet a girlfriend for a local book-signing. But when it was over, there were feathers on my chest, lube in my hair, and a new place in my heart for stripper poles.

Starshine Roshell

My friend and I had gone to meet Miyoko Fujimori, author of The Housewife’s Guide to the Practical Striptease, who was hawking her how-to at the local lingerie shop. Purrmission is a sweet little boutique that peddles elegant under-things at the front of the store, and blush-inducing boudoir toys in the back.

Owner Melanie Doctors, who goes by the name Miss Kitty, was trussed up for the evening in a leather bustier and black feather miniskirt. “I don’t usually dress like Big Bird,” she said, but tonight was special. Miyoko, an exotic dancer-cum-mother-of-two, was not only going to autograph her purse-sized disrobing manual, she was going to teach us some man-pleasing moves on a portable stripper pole ($156, sold near the “Have a Naughty Day” hot pants). Raunchy debauchery or constructive instruction?

“It’s every woman’s right to explore her sexuality,” insisted Miss Kitty, and unless you live on ABC’s Wisteria Lane, housewives are especially desperate for a way to bust up the monotony of monogamy. “I tell people it’s like chicken piccata. It may be your favorite dish, but if you have it every day of your whole life, it gets to be like, ‘Capers, again?’”

If marriage saps our sexual energy, motherhood darn near drains it dry. Maybe it’s all the other physical demands—breastfeeding, extricating a flailing toddler from a grocery cart, eternally plucking toys and socks and straw wrappers from the living room floor. Or maybe it’s the clock-watching robots we become in an effort to keep homework and vaccination and recital schedules straight. That stuff just sucks the swing from your step, you know what I mean?

That’s where Miyoko and her stripping primer slink in. A former Miss Teen Seattle and host of several Playboy television shows, Miyoko, 32, knows it’s hard to “turn it on” after an evening of sorting laundry and reading bedtime stories. But the Agoura Hills resident swears stripping can put us back in touch with our sensual selves, and help us shed the psychological confines that our daily uniforms impose.

“Once our clothes hit the floor, we are free to be anyone we want to be,” which, for Miyoko, could be a shy schoolgirl, a friendly cowgirl, or—come on, no judgment here—a firefighter. “Step, bend, and turn out,” she said while guiding 20 or so women slowly, individually around the silver pole. Several were moms from a local elementary school. With Prince on the stereo, and feather boas around our necks, we learned a sultry head roll (I was awful) and a seductive hip lift (I think I was quite good, actually). One woman in her fifties, a natural with cat-like grace and style, credited time spent in a tutu: “It was all those years of ballet, when I squatted!”

There were casualties, of course. One particularly enthusiastic woman dislodged the pole from the ceiling. A carelessly flung arm sent a bottle of erotic massage oil flying off the shelf and onto my lap. I hit my head on a pair of fuzzy purple handcuffs that were dangling, with whips and paddles, from a display rack overhead.

But it was exhilaratingly fun, too. Just ask the celebrities who’ve been touting cardio-striptease workouts for years. No surprise that Pam Anderson and Paris Hilton have permanent poles in their homes, or that a shnockered Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss got friendly with a pole at a New York strip club earlier this year. But the trend has gone mainstream: Kate Hudson had one installed at her house. Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher demonstrated her stripper moves on Leno. And just this month, proper Brit Emma Thompson busted out some impromptu pole love on Ellen. Check it out on YouTube (youtube.com) for a chuckle.

Miyoko’s book offers practical tips on what to wear, how to move, and where to, um, shave before a domestic performance. She also advises readers not to dwell on our bodies’ imperfections, but to direct our dude’s attention to exactly what we want him to see: “The slope of your neck, the bounce in your breasts, the sparkle in your eyes.”

I like that. I also like the two reasons Miyoko says a matrimonial striptease is better than one in a nudie bar: A wife knows exactly what her husband likes—she’s not guessing.

And his odds of scoring are 100 percent better.

For more, visit www.StarshineRoshell.com.

To submit a comment on this article, email letters@independent.com or visit our Facebook page. To submit information to a reporter, email tips@independent.com.



Be succinct, constructive, and relevant to the story. Leaving a comment means you agree to our Discussion Guidelines. We like civilized discourse. We don't like spam, lying, profanity, harassment or personal attacks.

comments powered by Disqus
event calendar sponsored by:

Community Forum Provides Updates on Immigration Enforcement

About 9 percent of people in Santa Barbara County are undocumented.

Santa Barbara Launches Interactive Street Sweep Map

Users can identify dates, times, and routes for street sweeping by address and colored areas.

Santa Barbara Zoo Bids Farewell to Beloved Elephant

Sujatha passes away at 47 years old.

Disaster Relief Rundown for Santa Barbara 

A tally of nonprofit giving since the Thomas Fire and 1/9 Debris Flow.

Santa Barbara County to Consider App-Driven Rental Two-Wheelers

A meeting is scheduled November 6 for ordinance regulations.