THE LEE SIDE OF THE STREET: Somebody stole my song. A couple of sociologists from a small college somewhere in Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, they don’t know how to hum it, let alone sing it.

First, the background: For years, I’ve been warning you that people with the first, last, or middle name Lee are nothing but trouble. Steer clear. Their destiny is their dark side. Cursed at birth by parents we can only hope knew no better, they can’t help themselves and you can’t either. Had Lee Harvey Oswald’s parents named their boy Robert instead, there’s little doubt that John Fitzgerald Kennedy would have gotten past Dealey Plaza and the grassy knoll in one piece. Why this should be so remains the subject of intense conjecture among scholars and experts. Some posit that any name inspired by the patron saint of Peckerwood Kulture—Confederate General Robert E. Lee—can only resonate with grim mischief. Others note that “lee” is a nautical term meaning “downwind,” and when sails are billowing, it clearly denotes the “lower” side of the boat. Certainly you don’t need a PhD in psychology to understand the destructive implications of that to one’s self-esteem. Translated, the name Lee means “of the clearing, pasture, or meadow,” and is derived from the Gaelic name “Laoidheach,” which—as with all Gaelic words—is pronounced absolutely nothing like how the spelling would suggest. According to the guides I’ve consulted, this name should be pronounced “Lee-ach,” the second syllable delivered as if one is hocking a loogie. Compounding the confusion, Laoidheach typically is a girl’s name. Who knew?

Weighed down by a name rife with intense gender confusion, it’s little wonder that rockabilly legend Billy Lee Riley—who passed away this week—saw fit to put his boot through the stand-up bass at Sam Phillips’s Sun Records back in the day. He also poured wine all over Phillips’s recording equipment. Riley, whose hits “Red Hot” and “Flyin’ Saucers Rock and Roll” never propelled him quite to the top of the charts, would briefly team up with a better known Lee: piano-stomper Jerry Lee Lewis, whose nickname “Killer” wasn’t for nothing. That was way too much “from the meadow” for any one band, and the two hard-rocking wild men had no choice but to part company. Eventually, Phillips would put all his promotional chips on Lewis at the expense of Riley, a move that left Riley forever bitter but would backfire, however briefly, when it was revealed that Lewis’s third wife was his 13-year-old first cousin.

Up in Santa Maria, they’re getting ready to try Michael Lee Wilson, a real estate operator accused of bilking 44 alleged victims out of $14 million. Wilson’s MO, we are told, was to sucker investors into extending him short-term loans of the six-figure variety. Securing these loans were various deeds of trust on various investment properties that turned out to be—when the loans came due and still were not paid—figments of Wilson’s overheated imagination. I know by contemporary standards, $14 million is chump change, and probably couldn’t get you arrested on Wall Street. But for Santa Maria—and even Santa Barbara—all those zeros still add up. Seized by a frenzy for poetic justice, Santa Maria prosecutors sought to set bail for Wilson at $14 million, but the judge opted for a more modest $10 million instead, still enough to keep the 54-year-old behind bars. In the abstract, I tend to admire the audacity of people who can blithely sell things they don’t own. If I were the victim, I might be inclined to hunt down Wilson with a ball-peen hammer. But it’s not clear that Wilson was such a wildly successful crook. Conspicuously lacking are any Learjets, fancy furs, extravagant art collections, or Argentinean mistresses. His defense attorney works for the Public Defender, so how rich could he have gotten? No doubt he’ll blame the bad economy and whine about having to rob Peter to pay Paul after he got in over his head. Please, spare us. That’s been so done. Why not try something novel, like the “not guilty by reason of Lee” defense?

Likewise for Santa Barbaran Gilbert Lee Martinez, the silver-tongued enterprising tree-trimmer accused of swindling more than 14 elderly homeowners for work he just never got around to performing. Martinez made a good enough first impression, however, to collect $50k in up-front payments. His clients, however, are still anxiously waiting for the work to be done.

A recent study by a couple of sociologists from Shippensburg University purported to study the relationship between unpopular first names and juvenile delinquency, and concluded, in the spring edition of Social Science Quarterly, that a correlation between the two definitely exists. While the study did not say that weird names cause problem behavior, it acknowledged that the names could make bad socioeconomic preconditions even worse, thus tipping the scales in favor of antisocial impulses. Their theory is that young dudes have to overcompensate with bad-boy behavior because their parents gave them sissified names, for which they were mercilessly teased. Their Top-10 list of bad-boy names included Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell, and Walter. Alec, sure, but Walter? Notably missing was Lee. Although Lee pops up with disproportionate frequency in police blotters in all 50 states, it clearly does not conform to their theory of overcompensation. Fully 63 percent of all Lees recently surveyed—and yes, there actually was such a survey—reported they never felt picked on because of their name. These, after all, are the people who do the picking. But the real reason Lee never made it on the Top-10 list is far more ominously self-serving. The name of one of the authors? Professor Daniel Lee! Obviously, Lee has got a dog in this hunt, and, for obvious reasons, he’s trying to throw us off the scent. Little wonder none of my emails have been returned.

In the meantime, have a great Fiesta. But if a guy named Laoidheach sidles up next to you, offering to buy you a drink, watch out. And tell him I said so.

Related Links

• More Angry Poodle columns

Comments

Discussion Guidelines

Local Weather

Currently:
Clear Sky
Temperature:
61.0°
Wind:
6 WSW

Surf Report