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Yahoo!Weekday morning, early summer, my kids are playing outside. Not in the backyard. Not in our enclosed, danger-proof, visible-from-every-window backyard.
They're cavorting out front. Where there are driveways, blind corners, and a teenaged neighbor with a Pontiac and a lead foot. Where there may be oleander. Or vicious dogs. Or a gun-toting, candy-dangling, meth-addled pedophile.
Starshine Roshell
Maybe not. But from where I sit at this computer, I can't see my kids. And though it makes me sound deranged, I admit this simple scenario puts me on edge. It fans a smoldering lump of fear deep in my gut. As they explore the world beyond our porch, their voices grow fainter, and the voice in my head grows louder: "Lady, you ain't doing your job."
Am I insane? Yes. Also no.
Journalist Lenore Skenazy says such parental paranoia is the common and natural result of sensationalistic media reports on ghastly kidnappings, gruesome murders, and freak accidents -- all of which make society seem far more dangerous than it actually is. Her book Free-Range Kids argues that Americans have become so unnecessarily fearful for our children's safety (kneepads for crawling babies? helmets for wobbly toddlers?) that we suck all the joy out of both parenthood and childhood.
Last week, a German boy was hit, and scarred, by a meteorite falling from space. "Do we all go around in meteor shields now?" she said during a phone interview. "Or do we assume that's a one-in-a-million chance, which it is?"
Skenazy, a Manhattan mother of two, was both cheered and chided on the TV talk show circuit last year after letting her then nine-year-old son ride the subway alone. Raised in Chicago's suburbs, she walked to school starting in first grade. Through an alley, no less. "And it wasn't considered a daring adventure," she said. "It was considered 'The way you got to school.'"
Some hazards are worth worrying about: choking, drowning, lead poisoning, SIDS. But most of our safety fears are irrational. According to the Department of Justice, today's crime rate is as low as it was in 1970, when most of us with kids were kids -- and had more freedoms than our children do today. And consider this: Car wrecks are still the number-one kid killer.
"Your child is 40 times more likely to die in a car accident than to be snatched and killed by a stranger," Skenazy said. "And yet we don't shake, shiver, worry, and pray every time we put our children in a seatbelt, because we recognize that's a little paranoid."
Paranoia, she said, deprives our kids of the self-esteem that comes from life's "I did it myself" moments. Do we want to be the people in their lives who tell them, "You're utterly incapable," or do we want to be the ones who say, "I know you can do it"?
Raising free-range kids, Skenazy said, is not about sending them out into the world and hoping they make it back. It's about giving them the tools to be safe, and then trusting them to use them. A little fear is normal, she said. "My kids have heard me lecture 1,000 times on everything from strangers to condoms. And if you knew what a fanatic I am about crossing the street ...!"
But planning for every tragic "what if" is not the defining characteristic of a good parent, Skenazy insisted. "Sometimes terrible things happen. I hate thinking about it and it always makes me sound cavalier, but what if your child was in a car accident and it was your fault? Of course you'd be devastated!" she said. "But, would you have been stupid for putting him in a car?"
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Starshine Roshell is the author of Keep Your Skirt On, a collection of columns available at KeepYourSkirtOn.com.
Double-clicking on any word or phrase in this story will open a reference window with definitions and links to other reference material.
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Kneepads for crawling babies and helmets for wobbly toddlers? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Please Starshine say it isnt so.
There are some basic skills we need to learn!
"OUCH!" So we can avoid, be more careful, or approach the situation from a different angle.
If we continue this path would we become too dependent on other societies who are still able to fall down, get up, brush themselves off and continue?
The future isnt filled with adventure, its filled with danger. Where is spiderman or wolverine when we need them!
Just My Opinion...
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Jhern (anonymous profile)
June 24, 2009 at 4:35 p.m. (Suggest removal)
"natural result of sensationalistic media reports on ghastly kidnappings, gruesome murders, and freak accidents "
Can we add to that gang violence, environmental catastrophe, terrorist attacks, no college degree, gay marriage, naked breasts, smoking, drinking and generally have too good a time in life?
The one common thing with all the fear mongering is that someone will sell you something to prevent the worst thing imaginable from happening or the police will save you from these things when others engage in risky behavoir.
The tort lawyers started all this and it's time to say enough!
One of our biggest problems is healthcare costs because of over treatment and over use of expensive back up testing because they can charge you more and avoid a lawsuit when something inevitably goes wrong for someone...
Ever notice that no matter what the economy is doing, health care cost goes up every year? Maybe some of you (like me) are looking at your 33% increase in Blue Cross premiums on July 1st. WTF?
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sa1 (anonymous profile)
June 24, 2009 at 9:32 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Great column, Starshine! I have been writing about the environmental and social costs of this paranoia for years.
Here http://www.swt.org/robert/writ/fearandtr... is one.
The biggest danger to kids is being hit by a parent driving their kid to school... because they are so paranoid about the things that don't really matter!
We have a drug-free zone around schools. How about a dropoff-free zone around schools? At least the kids would get a little exercise and freedom and a chance to walk with their friends.
The biggest harm of driving kids everywhere is the lifetime habit it sets for never getting any exercise. That hazard is an order of magnitude bigger than the hazard of a crash in the car.
My brother made his kids walk or bike to school. And what was his reward? Being told by other parents that he was a bad parent. If you want to know where these bad habits start, I think that is a good clue. Thanks, Starshine!
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sbrobert (anonymous profile)
June 24, 2009 at 10:53 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Great column. I'm a big fan and love your topic. I also love Skenazy's attitude and the publicity she's been generating through her writing.
People seem more protective of their teenagers nowadays than they were about ten-year olds (or younger!) in prior decades. Some of my absolute fondest memories are those of times I spent WANDERING by foot or by bike in my childhood with friends or by myself (and I wandered alone plenty) -- on the streets of Trenton, New Jersey's, version of "Little Italy" or in the woods and abandoned sand quarries after we moved to "the sticks".
Are things more dangerous now? I don't know. Do I have kids? No -- and who knows how I'd feel if I did and they were gone for three or four hours and I didn't know exactly where they were.
But seriously, how did we get to this state? In "days of yore" when our parents told us to go out and play (or when WE told THEM we were going out to play), we did just that... we went out and we had adventures in which our parents were not involved and not looking over our shoulders every moment. And again, in my case, I feel those are some of the sweetest and most indelible memories I have.
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Joe_Allegretti (anonymous profile)
June 28, 2009 at 10:12 a.m. (Suggest removal)
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