DANCING DIGITS: I pity the poor dog that ever catches the car. And by that, naturally, I’m referring to Steve Cushman, Helene Schneider, and Iya Falcone, all three in the throes of some collective dementia that compels them to run for mayor of Santa Barbara. It’s a title that presumes far more power than it actually conveys and at a time when all the proverbial chickens now coming home to roost are afflicted with violent diarrhea.

Cushman’s entry adds both ideological and geometric complexity into a contest that otherwise promised all the bruising predictability of a slow-moving train wreck — pitting young, progressive upstart Schneider against the more moderate, veteran warhorse Falcone in an orchestrated echo of the Obama-Hillary split. According to the touts and louts who handicap such things, Cushman — who has been running the Chamber of Commerce since the Pleistocene Era — threatens to siphon conservative support that otherwise would have gone to Falcone from Santa Barbara’s more business-minded voters, giving Schneider a fighting chance.

But Cushman is more than just a spoiler. Those who dismiss him as another political glass jaw endowed with a booming voice and hearty handshake do so at some risk. Given the falling skies and crumbling economy, Cushman’s business-booster background will entice and resonate. Whether he can deliver the goods has yet to be seen, but when it comes to stagecraft — the art of public spectacle and political grandstanding — he’s left his rivals in the dust. Early Tuesday evening, Cushman erected a large outdoor stage by State and De la Guerra streets, persuaded every firefighter and law enforcement official above the rank of sergeant to attend, and then proceeded to dish out about 140 ceremonial “thank you” plaques to any and all “boots on the ground” and “feet on the street” who helped put out the Jesusita Fire. Falcone, Schneider, and most councilmembers looked on silently — underneath an archway of red, white, and blue balloons constructed for the event — as Cushman emceed before a crowd of several hundred. No politicians, Cushman decreed, would be allowed to speak. Except, that is, for himself.

It’s one thing to run for office; it’s another to actually serve, as any of the councilmembers who traipsed from Cushman’s extravaganza back to City Hall can tell you. There, they spent hours listening to Fire Chief Andy DiMizio and Police Chief Cam Sanchez outline a multitude of painful cuts designed to address City Hall’s $10-million shortfall. Most department heads were required to hack 10 percent; public safety chiefs were told to cut half that. Even with Jesusita’s smoke still fresh in the air, only four people testified on behalf of the fire department. One was the president of the firefighters’ union, who noted his bargaining unit had 19 fewer firefighters than 10 years ago. Another was a member of the Fire and Police Commission. For now, the worst cuts may have passed by the department. Thanks to the foundation started by Kinko’s founder Paul Orfalea, it appears the Fire Department’s public education coordinator — invaluable in emergency response training — will not get axed. Even so, top management vacancies will not be filled. People calling the Fire Department will no longer get a human voice; they will have to navigate the perilous passages of phone-mail hell instead. By contrast, the Police Department is slated to receive an ever-so-modest increase in actual dollars, though far less than initially projected. But that assumes the department will get a $500,000 federal stimulus grant that will fund four officers’ positions for three years. That’s like expecting to win the lottery to pay the rent. The program that will fund those positions is endowed with $1 billion; thus far, the feds have received no less than $8 billion worth of applications. Without that grant, officers assigned to DARE, PAL, and two beat coordinator posts will be reassigned to patrol. Funding for school crossing guards will be axed. Even with the grants, several non-sworn positions will be cut — the range master, a crime lab technician, and the IT specialist who maintains cop car computers. To fund entry-level positions, several top management posts will remain vacant. This being Santa Barbara, where people cry more about neglected animals than human suffering, the strongest public support was voiced for the animal control program, which is slated to lose a manager next spring and — in the worst case — an animal control officer. Police union president Sgt. Charles McChesney declared, “There is a sacred cow and that sacred cow is public safety.” He then recommended that those concerned about animal control become vegetarians, “and stay away from the cow.” Schneider — who did not get so much as an interview with the police union, which endorsed Falcone — did not heed his warning. She suggested the department could save $250,000 — enough to fund two cops on the street — if union members would not cash out untaken vacation time.

Given the painful cuts, councilmembers are scrambling through City Hall’s sock drawers to find “new” money. Schneider wants to borrow $1 million from the taxes City Hall imposes on all utility users that would otherwise go to street maintenance, an idea that promises immediate relief. She and Das Williams explored the idea of exacting more from bar owners in the Drunk ’n’ Disorderly Zone, where 36 percent of all calls for police service allegedly originate. Any such plan would have to go to a vote of the people, as would Williams’s brainchild of taxing medical marijuana dispensaries, which could prove lucrative indeed now that the Supreme Court has upheld California’s medical pot law. Williams also wants the S.B. Zoo to pay $30,000 for the water City Hall now provides for free; he wants the Parking Districts to pay at least half the $800,000 subsidy they now receive to hose down the sidewalks. And he and Schneider want the Waterfront Department to pay the Parks Department a big chunk of the cost it incurs maintaining the city’s beaches and waterfront. Boat owners, naturally, fear this means higher slip fees, and have mounted a spirited defense. Coming to their rescue is Falcone, who has suggested raiding the coffers created to keep fecal coliform from trickling down our creeks and into the ocean. Naturally, creeks commissioners cried foul; do we really want to subsidize yacht owners, they demanded, at the expense of water quality?

Get the picture? Too many questions, not enough answers. Especially why anyone in their right mind would want the job. Or why voters would elect anyone clearly not in their right mind. In the meantime, where’s my balloon?

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