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Teenage Summer Views

Starshine’s Son Stone Writes This Week’s Column


Tuesday, July 2, 2013
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I asked my 14-year-old son to write my column this week because he was “bored” and couldn’t think of anything to do with his summer besides parking himself in front of back-to-back episodes of Ancient Aliens on The History Channel. Yes, it’s really him, and not me pretending to be him. Kid has a sarcastic side; not sure where he gets it.

Hi. Judging by my one-word lead, you probably know that this is not Starshine. My name is Stone, and I am Ms. Roshell’s oldest son. This column will not, for a change, make fun of Christians, vegans, or any other thing my mom is not.

If that’s what you’re into, you’d best stop reading now and check back a couple of weeks when my mom will probably write a column that straddles the line between raunchy humor and uncomfortableness, as usual. This column, however, will discuss a few things my mom doesn’t talk about and will not mention vaginas or flossing. Or vagina flossing, for that matter.

You may be wondering, “Why is Starshine making her son do her work for her?” Well, I’m not sure either, but the reason I accepted her offer was because she told me the only way I could get a glimpse at a TV before 8 p.m. was to bang out a column for her. And of course, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Why do parents feel so strongly about TV-watching anyway? Whenever I ask my parents about why “screen time” is so bad, they say “because it rots your brain,” and they laugh and walk away. If teenagers want to sit on their butts and do nothing all day, don’t stop ’em! What we do every day during the school year is equivalent to an adult work day, except worse. Adults get to eat lunch wherever they want, check Facebook when the boss isn’t looking, and chat with friends all the while.

We receive minor versions of these luxuries (thanks to bros who’ll buy you lunch off-campus, smart phones hidden under your desk, and the invention of whispering), but we don’t get paid for it. Plus, after the school day is over, we have to go home and continue working on homework. So when we finally get to summer, and we wake up that first morning and have an agenda of absolutely nothing for the day, LET US DO IT.

In my opinion, summer should be one extended apology from the parents to the teenagers for all the crap they put their kids through during the rest of the year (room cleaning, studying, “family time,” etc.) They should be offering us rides downtown, encouraging us to play video games, and buying us actual Oreos — not the Trader Joe’s kind.

However, my parents allowed me only two weeks of zoning out on the couch. I feel robbed of my nothingness, in a sense. I should get an even bigger apology, because my mom is absolutely crazy (wow, I hope she doesn’t edit this). Besides the fact that she has twice forced us to clap for her when she parallel-parked in a tight spot, she thinks that biking is a perfect alternative to riding in a car and that driving her son from point A to point B is spoiling him. Whenever I take longer than 12 hours to do my laundry, it suddenly becomes public property, and I wake up to find my dripping-wet clothes in a heap on the floor outside the washing machine. If I’m not careful about guarding my “nothing,” I’ll probably end up just biking around the world and doing laundry for the rest of my teen years.

So there’s your column, Mom. See what you get for asking me to do your work for you? Now the world can hear my logical, well-thought-out views on teenagers and their free time. And look, I even got a few hours of screen time out of it!

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(clapping) I applaud you Stone. That was a well written, and from the heart column. I hear you on all of that.. It should be a huge apology. However the parental units don't always see it that way.

MeliK84 (anonymous profile)
July 2, 2013 at 9:24 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Plagerism / ghost writing me thinks....... ;-)

gnarlyone (anonymous profile)
July 2, 2013 at 9:38 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Nice one!

sacjon (anonymous profile)
July 2, 2013 at 11:44 a.m. (Suggest removal)

It appears that the proverbial apple fell rather near the tree.

Sarcasm clearly runs in your DNA!

RobEgenolf (anonymous profile)
July 2, 2013 at 6:49 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Hilar

Ken_Volok (anonymous profile)
July 2, 2013 at 7:25 p.m. (Suggest removal)

A 14-year old writing about vagina flossing seems particularly disturbing, however, I thought the article was witty and well-written. Must run in the family. Loved the part about the "actual Oreos — not the Trader Joe’s kind". Actually sounds like something my boyfriend has said to me before.

jessi805 (anonymous profile)
July 2, 2013 at 7:48 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Don't let him fool ya! He is bright and funny and fabulous. But his life could be worse.....his family could all live in the same town! Well written, Stone! You are always impressing me!

Aletia1972 (anonymous profile)
July 2, 2013 at 8:28 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Your Mom is a lucky lady. I shudder to think what my daughter would have written, in my stead, when she was 14. And if anyone thinks a kid talking about vagina flossing is bad, read a YA novel sometime, or just ride in a school bus. Heck, he was just talking about thong underwear... Kudos to Starshine & Son. I'm a big fan.

jzbingham (anonymous profile)
July 2, 2013 at 11:19 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Yup, he's a Roshell! Great read Stone, "vaginal flossing" *snort* thanks for the giggles - and yes he's referring to his mothers take on thong underwear - come on people, lighten up! Consider doing a summer series... you have a knack for this thoughts-on-paper stuff.

I'm going to save this one for when my near-tween hits his mid-teens just to see how much he agrees... Or perhaps he'll just roll his eyes at me and mumble a "No duh" somewhere in my direction.

MotoBella (anonymous profile)
July 3, 2013 at 8:49 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Excellent column, Stone! A familiar sense of frankness and folly shines through. I hope to see more sometime.

One thing, though... If you believe grown ups get to have lunch whenever they want, take Facebook time outs and chat with pals all day, you may be in for a rude awakening when you enter the world of goods and services. Commerce is a lot like school except you get a paycheck... which you then hand over to the landlord, utilities and the IRS. Even writers, BTW. But stay with it anyway. You have a gift for it.

outlawvalley (anonymous profile)
July 3, 2013 at 9:28 a.m. (Suggest removal)

nice job. i was happy to tie my shoes at 14. even the fictional bit about a mom being able to parallel park was good.

lawdy (anonymous profile)
July 3, 2013 at 9:41 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Glad you got your mother's writing talent and maybe your father's musical talent...and not the other way around :)

Please do this again once a year at least.

Richard_Saunders (anonymous profile)
July 3, 2013 at 9:45 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I like the way you roll.

sbhobo (anonymous profile)
July 4, 2013 at 2:31 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Kid's got a point. I'm going right down there and buy myself some Oreos.

temporism (anonymous profile)
July 6, 2013 at 5:42 p.m. (Suggest removal)

fun read! As a teacher, gotta agree with the mom here that "screen time rots the brain"......or, a whole lot of screen time rots the brain. Jaron Lanier in YOU ARE NOT A GADGET discusses this, as well as Sherry Turkle's ALONE TOGETHER. Not Stone of course, but many below-20s are screenagers and thus miss out on a lot.

DrDan (anonymous profile)
July 6, 2013 at 6:45 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Outstanding! This column made me laugh out loud, which even your mom's columns, good as they are, have never done. I look forward to reading more from you!

treedom (anonymous profile)
July 8, 2013 at 9:24 p.m. (Suggest removal)

When I was 14, my mom made me bike everywhere I wanted to go (except UCSB, too far away from SB). I got into a bike accident and then started getting rides. Just a thought.

EastBeach (anonymous profile)
July 8, 2013 at 10:13 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Well done! Enjoyed it so much I've read it 4 or 5 times. Like other fans, I really like the oreos and Trader Joe's line.

PaulLommen (anonymous profile)
July 9, 2013 at 4:40 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I bet he works cheaper than Mom too ..hmm.. better not give the publisher ideas!

Ken_Volok (anonymous profile)
July 9, 2013 at 4:43 p.m. (Suggest removal)

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