Dr. Seuss Explains the Origin of Drone Warfare

Where the surf’s good for surfing

And the sunset’s in view,

Are the Tootles who toot

As they surf point Mugoo.

They surf on their noses

The way Tootles should.

To surf on your nose

Is the way to surf good.

See, surfing’s important in the life of a Tootle

Because when you’re a surfer, the crowd feeds you noodles

And Tootles can eat only noodles and wood.

But next door to the Tootles

Was the town of the Sogues

Who because of their beaks

Could not surf on their nose.

A smart little Sogue

Made a board from a tree,

I’ll make my friends boards

So they’re not just for me!”

Sogues surfed ‘til high tide

When they surfed to the bluff

Where the crowd gave them noodles

And petted their fluff.

A Tootle suddenly came into view,

Get out of here, Sogues! We’re tired of you!

You took wood and noodles and left me the flu!

The waters are ours

This is nothing we chose.

It’s where we belong

Since we surf on our nose!

Not just me is mad,

Also Sydney and Chad,

And we’re coming to hurt you

By pinching your toes!”

The war then began

As the Sogues filled with fright.

To have your toes pinched

Just doesn’t feel right.

It makes you afraid

To wear open-toed shoes

Because someone can pinch you

Whenever they choose.

One day when a Sogue

Was surfing in peace

A Tootle snuck up

With no peace in the least.

He leapt on the Sogue

In the way he thought best

Wrapping long legs around

The Sogue’s fluffy chest.

Tootle pinched and he pinched

Sogue screamed at the pain

This Sogue yelled out loud

This Tootle’s insane!”

As one pinched and one yelled

In the water they fell.

The sight was so scary

They couldn’t swim well

They called for a boat

Or something to float

Until the waves washed

Them to shore with the swell.

All Tootles and Sogues

Began yelling and calling

How it was the other

To blame for the falling.

I don’t want to be pinched

or to feel so afraid!

Let’s go get them back

with an ear-spitting raid!”

I hope you don’t step

In a Sogue’s yellow spit.

It’s crunchy and slimy

And smells quite a bit.

If it gets in your ear

It’s bound to be gross.

But the problem with spitting

Is you have to be close.

So the Sogues hired birds

To carry balloons

And hit all the Tootles

With slimy wet doom.

And the Sogues didn’t stop

They kept firing spit

While the crowd and the Tootles

Wondered when they would quit.

Even now when you see

A bird in the sky,

Don’t look for too long

You’ll get hit in the eye.

And don’t yell at the birds

They won’t listen to you.

It’s the Sogues that

Need to be told what to do.

Conner Cherland is a third year student at UCSB

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