Wife-Carrying: An Actual Thing

The Preposterous Sport Where Men Race with Women on Their Backs

Wednesday, July 16, 2014
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Her thighs are clamped around his neck and her arms clutch urgently at his waist but it’s not what you think. In fact, it’s nothing you’ve ever thought about before.

It’s the preposterous sport of wife-carrying, in which overconfident men race through a short obstacle course while toting their dead-weight spouses on their backs or shoulders. Lady-laden, the athletes wobble over logs or hay bales, slog through shallow pools, and stagger across the finish line as hundreds of strangers hoot from the sidelines.

Starshine Roshell

The grand prize: The missus’s weight in beer. Plus $5 for each pound she weighs. Plus the head-shaking befuddlement of most other humans.

Wife-carrying originated in Finland a mere 19 years ago, which means we can’t pass it off as the quaint hobby of eccentric ancients; my marriage is older than this sport, people. Fans mumble something about it harking back to the bad habits of Finnish bandits who abducted women from their villages and claimed them as wives — but Finland also hosts the world championships for Air Guitar and Mobile Phone Throwing, so I think it’s safe to assume the Finns just like silly stuff.

Annual wife-carrying competitions are now held in Australia and Hong Kong, and even here in the U.S. A police officer and his wife stumbled to victory just this month in Wisconsin with a race time of 60 seconds — which, he said, was the longest minute of his life, and his cargo weighed only 103 pounds.

The rules aren’t rigid. Couples needn’t actually be married. They needn’t be male-female. And the runner can carry the passenger any which way: piggy back, sack o’ potatoes, wrapped around both shoulders like a wriggling Homo sapiens pashmina. Most popular is the filthy-looking “Estonian” method; she dangles down his back, facing his butt, as he holds onto her knees. (My kingdom for an illustration right about now.)

It’s not pretty. It’s probably not sanitary. And there’s something unsettling about a game in which women serve as nothing more than buns-in-the-air burdens. And yet … dang it, I can’t help seeing the poetry in this peculiar pastime — and recognizing unmistakably the relationship that it symbolizes and celebrates. Sure, I’m a feminist, but I’m also woman enough to admit that my husband does his share of heavy lifting in our alliance, and that bounding through life with me … well, it can be a schlep.

My guy isn’t burly, and I haven’t weighed 103 pounds since I was 12, but I’m here to tell you that if he weren’t constantly hoisting me over the sludge of life — ferrying me through bad days and lousy months, shouldering my fears and freaky frets, buoying me above the muck of my own occasionally subversive mind — well, I’d be losing this race big-time.

While he occasionally buckles a bit under the strain of me (he had to come in and fix my computer twice as I was typing this), he never drops me. Even when he really wants me off his back. (The support goes both ways, of course. I think a husband-pulling competition could be very popular. Most wives I know have to tow their partners to social gatherings, yank them toward the gym, and drag them whining and whimpering to the general practitioner.)

It turns out the North American Wife Carrying Championships take place in Maine this October — the very same state, in the very same month, that my fella and I honeymooned 20 years ago. So we practiced last night to see if we had a shot at the title. I climbed onto his back, Estonian-style, and he trotted around the backyard dauntlessly while I screamed and laughed until I couldn’t breathe. I am actually kind of pissed that my neighbors didn’t call the cops; it sounded like I was being abducted by Finnish bandits.

So I think we’ll celebrate our anniversary elsewhere. But it’s good to know after all these years that he can still bear me.


Independent Discussion Guidelines

This is where I thank the God above that I am Happily DIVORCED!

dou4now (anonymous profile)
July 16, 2014 at 6:46 a.m. (Suggest removal)

funny how its the men carrying the women.. why not women carrying the men!!

If your a feminist Starshine...why do you need a man to carry you??

No such thing as a feminist on a sinking ship!!

audidriver2010 (anonymous profile)
July 16, 2014 at 9:09 a.m. (Suggest removal)

At least the men get permission from the women before carrying them.

How about this gender-based headline:
"Legal Killing of Living humans by Women: An Actual Thing"

As long as the human being killed is less than 24 weeks old.
No permission needed from any man.

And this right is also celebrated by millions of women in America.
Yayyy - women power!

realitycheck88 (anonymous profile)
July 16, 2014 at 9:43 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I propose that since women have a choice in giving birth or not and that men dont.. that men should never have to support their children..ever!!

bring it.

audidriver2010 (anonymous profile)
July 16, 2014 at 2:55 p.m. (Suggest removal)

A couple of thoughts: Finland's former president--Tarja Halonen, is an openly gay woman.

At La Colina Junior High School one of the tests to achieve the often unachievable trunk rank of "powder blue" was to carry a student equal your body weight on your back for 440 yards in under three minutes.

Also, little Finland gave Russia fits during World War 2.

billclausen (anonymous profile)
July 16, 2014 at 3:12 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Sealion? Dewdly? Come on guys, why are U not ranting and raving against this?

We gotta have some flame wars here to up our ratings.

dolphinpod14 (anonymous profile)
July 16, 2014 at 5:44 p.m. (Suggest removal)

OK dp14, since sweet ole Starshine seems to enjoy being a glutton for punishment, here goes:

For any man or boy (listen up Starshine Jr) to schlep any anti-male gender bigot (feminist) or to carry her things is to commit suicide. No BOUNDING thru life is ever possible with women who buy the boring, banal, and ugly lie that is Starshine's feminism. Starshine's fella and little fella need to insist that she carry her own damn loads as long as she subscribes to her favorite evil ideology. That way they can do the bounding without her like every other male or female with a working brain. And that way she can finally begin to enjoy genuine 'gender' equality for a very welcome change.

Sealion (anonymous profile)
July 17, 2014 at 9:03 p.m. (Suggest removal)


I suggest that men be able to force abortion on a woman whose baby he has no interest in fathering. His body his right, after all. No man should be forced to carry a Golden Womb or her rug rat 'to term' for 18 long years unless he chooses to.

Sealion (anonymous profile)
July 17, 2014 at 9:12 p.m. (Suggest removal)

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