Crime scene tape.

Lovely Santa Barbara, the American Riviera. Home to movie stars, beautiful people, perfect weather, and, well, like anywhere in the world these days, jaw droppingly outrageous and diabolically evil crime.

Though we like to fancy ourselves a safe slice of Southern California heaven, bad things do happen in good old Santa Babylon. In fact, very bad things happen here. Very, very, very bad things.

Below you will find links to some of the more disturbing crimes to hit our quaint little seaside hamlet in the past year. We hope it’ll make for some interesting reading this holiday week, a little spice to go with those sugarplums. So enjoy, and don’t forget to lock your doors.

Tennis — and Ecstasy — Anyone?

The most recent crime on the list comes from Santa Barbara High School, where a Don alumni and acting assistant tennis coach Peter Jeschke allegedly seduced and slept with a 16-year-old girl on his team. Taking the whole statutory rape thing a step further, Jeschke supposedly used cocaine and ecstasy to help him in his illicit courtship. Click here to read more.

Mommy Stabber

15-year-old Goleta resident Derrick Hernandez lashed out at the crystal meth addicted world around him and stabbed his mom, Tina Keglar, 45 times before dumping her lifeless and mutilated corpse off the side of a road outside Lompoc. Hernandez got 25 years for the deed and his mom’s boyfriend, Burton Metzger, he got 15 years to life for not only knowing about the murder before it actually happened but also for helping the teenager dispose of the body. Click here to read more.

I Keep My Kids in Cages

Any time you can include kids in cages, buckets of piss, allegations of child snatching south of the border, smeared human feces, and a day care provider in the same story, you have yourself the recipe for one heck of a twisted tale. Lucky for us, the mastermind behind it all, Sylvia Vasquez, calls Santa Barbara home. Click here to read more.

You’ve Got Problems, Now Sleep With Me

Nothing new here, but it’s always despicable when doctor uses his or her professional powers to get someone naked and in bed. Such is the alleged case against former Santa Barbara County psychologist Fernando Cordero, who was arrested for using his role as a County Drug, Alcohol, and Mental Services psychologist to force four of his female patients to have sex with him. Click here to read more.

You’re Arrested, Now Sleep With Me

Convicted just last week, 33 year-old Jon Holm did a disservice to officers of the law everywhere when he turned a 15 year girl into his girlfriend during his tenure as an SB Sheriff. Click here to read more.

Meth Makes You Scary-Stupid

You cannot make up a story more ridiculous than this one. Once again, crystal meth plays a leading role as a bunch of would be killers take turns planning to kill each other, get high, get paranoid, rob an old lady, crash a car, and leave someone for dead in the back country—only to have him spend two days crawling back to safety. Click here to read more.

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