WEATHER »

I have to return some videos

When still in Germany, I remember telling someone that I was going to California because I couldn't get all the porn I needed back home. That person looked at me weird and then declared: "Sarah, you don't have to go to America to watch porn. I'm sure you could get everything online."

Well, that online porn business turned out not to be very reliable... but neither did the video stores. Take last week, for example. Once again, I was fed up with my online porn account, because not only does it take them forever to send me the DVDs, but they also usually send the ones I don't really need to see. Anyone who uses Netflix is familiar with the phenomenon. You create a wish list by adding titles you're interested in, and while the list becomes longer and longer, you never really get to see your favorite ones because they're miraculously always "out to other costumers."

With my online porno rental (yes, I have an account and yes, I also have a grant that pays for it), I get really frustrated sometimes. They have actually sent me a broken DVD before, no, not dirty and illegible by your DVD player, but actually in two pieces. I sent it back alright. I waited another two weeks until they finally figured out that I was not the one who broke it. Then they complained about some problems with my credit card before they took another week to finally send me another DVD. A different one. To this day, I never watched the one that arrived in two halves.

Anyways. I hate the waiting part. But when the DVDs in their pathetic blue envelopes finally arrive at the right address (that, too, has proved to be a problem), I am usually busy watching other stuff. When I finally return the envelopes, which despite their innocent looks reek of "dirty little secret", another week has gone by. If I continue to do my research in this speed, I will not finish my dissertation before I turn 80.

The problem is that, although UCSB has a decent porn collection, of course they don't have everything. Online has everything but I never get to watch it. So I need a third place to rent videos from. My first plan was to go to Blockbuster because I was under the impression that no video store could survive without porn. Apparently, they can. The Blockbuster guys informed me that, sorry, they don't let us have those...pornos...giggle, giggle. One of them was at least kind enough to suggest another, more independent place that apparently needed porn to survive. It earned him a disapproving look from his colleague.

But no luck at the other store either. I had something very particular in mind - something that I was quite possibly never going to get online because all the other customers would see it first - and I admit, I am still a little reluctant to buy a movie unless I know it's exactly what I need for my studies. The store assistant told me they didn't have my particular videos. In fact, they didn't have much of anything. Instead I learned that porn gets sold after only 8 weeks so the video rental store can make at least a little money off of it. Turns out, your local video really doesn't make a living by stocking porn any more.

I understand that the stores don't have enough shelves to exhibit all 67 versions of Extreme Face Fucking ; and costumers who can't find Cruel and Unusual 24 will probably be fine with any sequel. But I was also getting a little mad. I was looking for an award winning movie released in 2009.

I ended up taking two random DVDs home because I didn't want to leave empty-handed. After all, I had biked all the way downtown for the stupid porn. When I took the disks back the next day, I was still angry - after all, returning an online order was a lot simpler. When someone asked me why I was so snappy, I heard myself say: "I have to return some videos", only realizing then that these were the exact words used as repeated excuse by the serial murderer from American Psycho .

event calendar sponsored by: