Dorothy: "Lions, and tigers, and bears! Oh, my!"
Cowardly Lion: "Alright, I'll go in there for Dorothy. Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I'll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I'm going in there. There's only one thing I want you fellows to do:"
Tin Man: "What's that?"
Cowardly Lion: "Talk me out of it."
~The Wizard Of Oz (1939)
Ten years ago my path changed:again. I got sober and a shift occurred in my awareness. I realized I had a duty. My humanity would have to live in front of my desires. Desire and reckless thinking had taken me down a dark fork in my path. When I got sober it became absolutely necessary for me to be a part of humanity. Maybe I believe in Karma too much. I had a deep belief that I was way overdrawn at the Karma bank and I needed to fill the coffers to balance my accounts with God and nature. I had to give back. My second chance at life was based on some sacrifice. But like a sacrifice in Baseball, it was for the greater good.
Sacrifice in this case is a word for "what we do for love."
What we let go of:for love.
Sacrifice is surrender in it's deepest form.
Right now I am challenged in my role as fulltime Step Mom.
I am not legally "Step Mom"yet. I am engaged to my Stepsons father and my Stepson lives with my bio-son, my fiance and me, fulltime. We have a happy home and a happy life. My son is with me fulltime and I have full custody. Something I used to feel was a hardship because I had no help from my son's father in my son's physical upbringing.My sons Father broke my heart so completely and he still does in many ways. He is a good man in a bad set of circumstances. But I now know, I have it good and blissfully simple. I do not have to argue or even discuss plans for my sons life, education or travel. We live our life quite simply and without complication or distress. We are great pals,he is the single best person I have ever known. He is an "empath" and is the sweetest hearted kid I have ever met. The love of ones child is the most lovely and amazing feeling in the human experience . I am blessed two-fold with the love of two sons,one is my own flesh and blood and the other might as well be.
My role as Step Mom is my greatest challenge:ever. I am in a position to be the physical presence of a Mother without any legal rights.
Step moms are unsung heroes in my book. We are invisible by law and yet have to do all the work of a Mom. All the chores,all the caregiving,all the sick days home from school,the vomit and snot rags,the poopy-skid-marked undies,the cooking for a fussy eater,the worry over school work and grades,the field trips,the cupcakes and costumes...all of it everyday.
Right now the challenge with my Stepsons bio-Mom is with her ideas of parenting. My stepson is nine and quite a young nine. He is emotionally very fragile. His Bio-Mom is inconsistent and lives her life following her desires rather than her humanity. She left her marriage: her husband, her son and a daughter from a previous marriage, to pursue a new "lifestyle". A lifestyle dominated by a need for sexual release and non-commitment to any one human. Honestly I am all for free will and I am open minded, but when a persons lifestyle takes precedence over ones responsibility, especially as a parent, I gotta take a stand and say something.
Now our home and family is in turmoil because the Mom wants to take the boy to Sweden for the summer. Taking him out of school two weeks before school is out. She has a new boyfriend she met at Christmas. He lives in Sweden. There is a sincere lack of stability in her life. She has no real home and does not work. My concerns for the well being of my Stepson have left me with a constant stomachache for days.
I feel so helpless and my emotions are running high.
Am I crazy to care so much?
All week I have been reading about the Hague Convention and talking to therapists and attorneys. I have hidden from the world in my little helpless depression. I have been a slave to Masterpiece Theatre, Jane Austen and Elizabeth Gaskell. I am so sad, it feels like a lead weight has been imbedded in my chest. A weight that makes breathing hard and presses hard on my heart,so it aches from the pressure. I am being told I am stirring the pot and upsetting things. I feel so alone.
This love I have for this boy seems to have turned on me.
I am now the problem.
It sux beyond words.
I am tired. Tired of trying to make sense or order out of someone else's life.
Maybe I need to just step back and let things be.
This morning I told my own son, "we are going to have fun this weekend, Damn it!" He laughed and said," Mom, you know you are a good Mom and home is where you are.
I love you. So don't be sad. OK?"
I was not born "a good Mother", I had to work at it and follow direction.
I watched other Moms and asked for advice. I volunteer at school and camp. I learned to bake a gazillion cupcakes at a time. To make Valentines and Shamrocks out of salt dough and into necklaces. I learned to have fun as a Mom. My career as an artist was put into a honey jar to age and sweeten. Now it is back out and pouring golden long streams of light into my life. Art is my human mineral. It is the element that makes me, me. So I will vent this here and then go to work, creating.
Hopefully something good,something healthy.
For today I just have to bless and release all of this.
It is too close and too heavy.
The funny and amazingly beautiful thing about my life has been that if I surrender, it all works out better than I could have planned.
It is always true for me, if I get out of my own way the truth will prevail.
Hopefully my concern will create a "net".
The net will help filter what is true from what is imagined.
Then we can follow the path as it unfolds.
It is already working, my fiance' has announced his intentions and a plan of action. He has apologized for telling me I am the problem.
I like the way we makeup and redress and repair.
I know, once again, I am his golden-honey-gal and not the scary, raging, crazy making bee in his bonnet.
Lions and tigers and ex wives!