"Love Actually is... All Around"

"It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show"::..Reg Presley

I got lost this week. In my head.
The semester ended well Thursday. The Christmas Sing at Peabody Charter was fabulouso! I got many kisses from parents and teachers. Little hugs from little people and big hugs from big people. I even went on a very romantic "mini-break" to Palm Springs and Big Bear with my lovely "perma-fiance'"(I actually think we will stay permanently "fianced").

So where's the rub?
Why so sad and restless? Literally "rest-less". Can't sleep. Don't want to eat. I am having dreams about friends who have passed. My heart aches with a deep sense that I am totally powerless. Something...some notion is sucking all my energy. I am weary. I know I am blessed in my life. I am certain too that I am loved.
I am in awe at how much love is:all around.

But my heart aches because of the loss of affection from a sister. I have two. And one of them just doesn't like me very much. And the weirdest part of it is I somehow blame myself for her not liking me. Crazy huh? I was reminded by my therapist today that it has nothing to do with me. I tell her, "I feel powerless"...ans she says...(tada!)..."You are!"
To which I exclaim...
"What do you mean it has nothing to do with me:she hates me". And then my sweet-angel-faced therapist spoke the truth in such a way, that a portal opened in my blocked "monkey-brain":

"This is not you. This is her.
Her choice. And you have nothing to do with her choice."

My heart stopped for a minute. And I thought, "don't I have to DO something about this? Don't I have to fix this? I have to fix this! I have to fix her."

It was like someone opened the back door to a hot kitchen and let a cool breeze flow through the house. My heart was suddenly at ease. Still sad, but at ease. I cried for the loss of my Sister. I cried like a little girl. I know I look tough and sound tough. But in actuality I am a freakin' ~Aclair inside. I am such a wus.
Like wet tissue paper.

"She takes just like a woman, yes, she does.
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does.
And she aches just like a woman.
But she breaks just like a little girl." ~Bob Dylan

After my therapy I told my fiance' about what I had learned today. His head gently bobbed up and down as he smiled. He assured me that my angel-therapist-muse was right. He even went so far as to say he was tired of seeing me beat myself up for something that has nothing to do with me.

But ya know what? I don't let go easily. The idea that this is beyond my control is weird and uncomfortable to me. So I am still "wiggly" inside. Still uncertain. But the idea that there is another emotional and logical choice, is a huge relief.

It is late. I am sitting with this new concept of an old dilemma.
My fiance' just called and told me a friend was injured in their Aikido class and he stayed late to work on the guy. (My fiance' has the gift of healing. He is at his best when he lays his hands on another being.) Before he hung up he said something sweet and then he commented on my voice, he said I sounded better: easier.

Love is an extraordinary energy source if you let it in.
I get so lost in my head sometimes I forget to smell the roses or to see the color purple. And that is a shame.

"I think it pisses God off when you walk by the color purple in a field and don't notice." ~Alice Walker

So when you pass by "love" it must really piss God off.
Love is actually: all around.
(sorry to go all "rainman" on this point...but it is a good mantra)

I saw a guy on State St. today playing clarinet. He was an older "gent" just going to town along with a boom box. Playing Glenn Miller like an ace. Just fantastic. I stopped for a bit and dropped a couple bucks in his bucket and gave the "cat" a wink and a smile:he chuckled. And I felt it. I felt "love-lightning". That charge you get when you are touched by renegade love-pellets. Little bullets of love. Ya know:the little tiny energetic explosions in your heart when someone touches you spiritually? Maybe he was my "muse'-du jour". And maybe these muses are everywhere, everyday. Maybe you are a muse? Maybe I am. We just need to be open to the idea that we are love-guides. I don't know. All I know is that I felt like crap and then I talked to my therapist. I walked out of her office and up State St. I saw this guy playing his clarinet :I smiled at him:he smiled back:and then heaven cracked open. My heartache had passed and I felt love.

So:here is an idea. Put five one-dollar bills in your pocket. Take a walk down State St. and tip the musicians. See what happens. Feels good:trust me. And don't just drop the money in the bucket or guitar case lid. Say,"hi!":go it. And if you see the clarinet man:say Lizzy said hi!
Love actually is:.all around.

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