"Till she sees finally that she's like all the rest
With her fog, her amphetamine and her pearls.
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl"
~ Bob Dylan
I cannot do much about the past to change it. I have regrets. I think a regret can be made into a tool. It sounds healthier anyhow. How I used sex is a big regret. Now that regret is a tool for better ways and better days.
I waited until I was almost nineteen before I had sex. I "did it" because I felt I had to. That it was what I should do. My first was a lovely man and he taught me well. Salah Edin A____ was a student from Tripoli, Libya. He was studying engineering at USC. Salah had been educated in the sensual arts in a Harem. Ok, maybe not the Arabian Nights Harem but The Playboy Club Special Suites:or whatever it is called. Not sure, wasn't there. He was, as was the custom, kept there until he got it, until he understood it and until he knew how to give it. The Kama Sutra is a real tool in his culture.
Good for me.
When he found out I was a virgin, he began to righteously "court" me and what had began as a Westwood disco flirt-fest, became a true romance. Still my ability to feel sexually had been stunted somehow, I was numb.
I faked it. I mean I felt it:some of it. But I faked it too.
Unless it was oral. The oral thing has always worked for me. Another guy taught me that. A cameraman who I met on a shoot. He dropped a note from a crane into my lap while I was below in a scene. I went to Barney's Beanery with him (and 5 of his cameraman buddies where they bragged about "going in" on long shots during bomb sequences) and to the planetarium at Griffith Park. He played the flute for me behind the Hollywood sign as we watched the '79 World Series. I had scungili for the first time with him and then after a lot of wine, he taught me about the oral thing:heaven it was. Gotta love a guy who can play the flute!
I developed a sense of love as it was depicted in films and novels. I created too high a plateau. I didn't know whether to be in "The Story of O" or "Jane Eyre". I liked strong sexual tension. I deeply longed for real romance and truly dignified affection. But there was my naughty side. The side of me I was raised to ignore or at least avoid.(good lapsed Catholic girl that I am)
I think I made love well but it sometimes seemed like a performance. I did open up eventually. I did it best with a lot of whiskey. The "veil" of alcohol stimulated and expanded my sexual energy. I became confident and felt sexually powerful.
I was not me . I was whoever I made up that day. So often I used what felt like acting, I mean I was,after all,an actor and I did what every Meisner director yelled at me for. I was ACTING.
When I got sober I was suddenly thirteen again. Completely awkward and strange. I did not know whether I wanted to be touched or not. They say when you get sober you emotionally revert to the age you were when you started drinking.
So here I am, this thirty nine year old woman housing the soul of a very geeky thirteen-year-old girl. Can you say cream puff, eclair, wet tissue paper, mush? I was a basket case without a basket. I had the self-esteem of a short curb and I was a single-solo Mom in Santa Barbara. The land of the beautiful and mysteriously well-preserved people.
How bloody attractive am I gonna be?
Of course I got involved with men who were my emotional equal. Most were emotionally ravaged or simply incapable of any intelligent :anything. Thirteen year olds should not be aloud to date! Ew!
I was so freaking lonely though. I fell for lines NO one falls for.
After my first year of fumbling foibalous freak sex and mine field like attempts at relationships, I gave up. Instead, I made a "friend" that was a boy. A non-alchy. A normy we like to call 'em. This was the way to go. We spent a lot of time on the phone. After about a year of this we went on our first "date-date" and it was a doozy. We went to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon at the Granada. The seats were really close together and we were squished together by fat people on either side. (I can say fat because I am no small tomato myself) I could hear my heart pounding,hell,I could feel his heart pounding. We walked after the movie and ended up dipping into a pool hall on lower State. He drank beer, I didn't. We played pool. I flirted. Ever aware that I was five years older and awkwardly sober. Later we played footsy by my car and then: we kissed. It took almost a year and a half to get to that kiss. Never in my life had a waited so long for a kiss. And it was a kiss to end all kisses. Billy Holiday was in the background singing-if you can believe it-
" You go to my head, like a sip of sparkling burgundy brew, and I find the very mention of you, like the kicker in a julep or two"
The thirteen year old forty year old died a little death that night. I think it was, for me, that "first kiss" I had been waiting for all my life. The first sober kiss. I had waited nineteen years to have sex and forty for my first kiss. I have learned some things about my self as a sober woman. For me it starts with a kiss. Sex is all about the kiss. There is something in the Kabala that says if a woman is pleased the man will be pleased. Well you can't be pleased if you aren't awake. Being sober means I get to swirl around in all the luscious insane feelings that swirl over us in intimate moments. Now I can take it,I am not afraid to feel pleased or rejected.
I still break just like a little girl,but I feel...just like a woman.yes I do.
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