"Now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom on the gray.
Yes I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray:"
In the last week, I counted; I got kisses from sixteen women.
Soft on the check kisses like those from your Mother or Sister.
I remember I blushed and felt a deep warm glow. Like I was somehow safe.
Healed from the inside out. One of the best gifts of sobriety, is the love I have found with women. I am intensely and rather insanely into true sisterly affection now.
I missed it for a long time. Now I am open and ready...for all the kisses.
"And women shall be the teachers of other women..."
Sisterhood is an idea that has existed since the beginning of time. It is in the Torah and in the Bible. Women need other women, best to learn that now if you haven't already.If you do not have sisters or you do not like the sisters God gave your Mom and Dad, then go find new ones. Your sisters will save your ass:every time.
When I first got sober I was quickly grabbed by the scruff of the neck by another sober sister who quickly redirected my sorry behind from flirting with a cute guy and told me I must work with the women. "Women work with women and men work with men":and that's that. AA does not have rules but it does have strong "suggestions". Suggestions I gratefully followed, to the best of what was left of my worn out and askew sensibilities.
Regaining my sense of what was right and wrong was a weary process. Before this, my sense of right was based on whatever I wanted and however I wanted it. Wrong was based on what you did not do for me.The biggest shift in my psyche was when I realized how manipulative I had been. How "charming" I could be and what a great and fantastic liar I was.
My genetically inherited sensibilities about sisterly affection were amnesiatic.
I was clueless.
I had no idea of how to be a friend to other women.
I did not read Jane Austen or do "girl" things.
I was raised to look at other women as a threat:competition.
My actual "blood" sisters are an odd pair. One dotes on me like an over protective pageant mom and the other just plain doesn't want to know me.
I am not certain why #2 does not like me.
I have failed her somehow. She will not reveal the source.
I gave her marbles away when I was three. That may have done it.
I like boys :a lot. I am a flirt. I like people:a lot.I live in her dream town. I have a beautiful son.I am four inches taller, seventy-five pounds lighter and have good hair.
I have found the love of my life.
And probably most importantly I have learned not to let her opinion of me get to me.
I am not willing to be less so she can feel like she is more.
I have, in the past, felt painstakingly guilty for the abundance in my life.
I cultivated and then distilled my guilt.
Guilt and shame made me drink.
I am in the grace of Lakshmi, the goddess of abundance and I accept it.
I accept that the universe loves me:in all my weird glory.
I am listening to the love theme from Cinema Paradiso by the incomparable Ennio Morricone. The music is like a kiss. All the kisses in the world. A friend just met me for tea and when we parted she kissed me on the cheek and I was undone. Every bad feeling disintegrated. The weighty worries of life are suddenly a meringue of silliness. Oh! The kisses. What strange powers. My cheeks are addicted. My soul is too.
On March 28th this year I will be ten years sober. The women I love best will help me celebrate. There will be food and fun and chocolate!
We will talk, complain, weep and laugh. My fiance' will go away for a few hours with my sons so we can saturate ourselves in the sweet honey of our bonded love to one another. And when the party is over, I will stand on my porch and be thrilled to be so lucky to have all that I have and for all the kisses.