"As long as there's no price on love, I'll stay.
And you wouldn't want me any other way"
~ Richard Thompson
Love is not so hard to find, one need only look within. If you honestly love yourself for who you are you will always find love. Nice words. True words?
Hopefully. I remember feeling love as a child. The sweet softly vibrating glow of love. Like your toes in warm socks or your hands stretched in front of a warm
fire. The delicious feeling of satisfaction.
A little over five years ago I tripped and fell into love. A love that I know now is the "real thing". It has not come without work. It has not come without doubt or therapy. And now after some time, I am feeling a little "restless". The "fifth year itch" has set in.
(Yes, it is five now. Or don't you read Vanity Fair? Five is the new Seven!)
I think back on that night. The night the universe delivered an unexpected and somewhat undeserved gift.The night that all my screaming and crying and begging to God and the universe finally got an answer.
(Some sage wisdom if you are still out there looking:don't give up five minutes before the miracle!)
I had come home from the Amethyst Ball, the annual grand gala fundraiser for CADA. I was sad as hell. My only "conquest", that evening was an older gentleman. Sweet, rather suave. No doubt, a charmer. With rather shiny silvery white hair and a perfectly tailored suit, accented by an amethyst tie. He was a graceful strong lead on the dance floor. And possessed the elegance of a bygone era. This gentleman told me I was beautiful, warm and radiant. I was starved for such affection. Thirsty for the golden elixir of love talk. Oh! How I do love sweet talk.
At the end of the evening he escorted me to my car. He then leaned in close, he smelled like a mixture of sweet cologne and the night ocean breeze. I was dieing to be swept off my feet. To be taken. To be saved by a knight in shining amour. Oh! Such words, such tasty delights of the human spirit Wax on wax on! I just knew he was going to carry me off into the moonlight and across the street to the Biltmore. The stuff of dreams:of movie stars:of fantasy!
As he leaned toward me, his eyes reflected the soft twinkle lights, like pearly cascading droplets of moonlight. And like a nervous teenager, I anticipated the press of his soft cheek against mine. His lips slightly brushed my ear my and he gently whispered, "I really would like to get to know you better:I think you're lovely and amazing:I think we would be wonderful together and:I am married: separated:but married: So we would have to be discreet. This is not: (and I remember these words like they were being chiseled in my naked skull!)
This is not a "Love thing"
"I cannot fall in love...
but I think we could have fun."...
yep he was still talking!
My heart sank and I do not remember anything he said after that. Only the sound of my heart "clanging" in my head:like the inside of cracked bell:"bong..bong..bong!"
What an idiot I am!
I simply got into my car, closed the door and drove away.I don't think I started crying right away. No, I felt the vibration of my skin first. The vibration became a strong shiver ...like I was freezing and then a rattle, like every bone in my body had come unhinged.
"God!" I screamed, "what the hell have I done to deserve this?"
I drove home and parked my car and sighed to heaven. Sighed for love. I sighed as I walked through my little door of my little duplex. I walked and sat in a heap at my desk:my tiny wood desk that sat next to my stone fireplace. I got the energy up to light a fire and then sat down to my computer to cry and to write.
When I turned on the computer, the word "Namaste" appeared in an IM on the
screen. I sighed again and laughed. I let my head hit the desk. Ugh! I wrote back,"Namaste yourself!" Thinking,"oh how bloody original":"someone who thinks he is "spiritually enlightened":such is my joy!" Then he asked me what I was doing. I wrote, "I have just returned from a ball". He wrote, "did you meet a prince or lose a slipper?"
I responded, "no but I met a toad:and I got a kiss from John Cleese." He then wrote, "Wow! A ball and a kiss from John Cleese! Lucky girl! What a great evening."
Well now I had to respond!
"So:. what have you been doing?" I asked.
"I have been out with a friend ,drinking good whiskey, eating cheeseburgers and mourning the death of Hunter S. Thompson. I am home now, reading your profile, again. I have read your profile a lot in the last four months:.I have read it over and over and I cannot get it out of my head: I am now feeling brave enough to write to you"
I sighed again:a poetically sweet sigh:.a sigh of relief...I exhaled and wrote,
"what took you so long!"
He and I wrote long into the night. We shared about our lives, our professions and then he wrote something about "a kid" and I replied," a kid?" and he responded,"yeah, I have a little boy, he is five and lives with me full time. You gotta problem with that?"
I laughed so loud. It was four in morning and I am belly laughing as I write, " No I don't have a problem with that. But you sound as if it has been a problem for you". ( I had to play with him a little..this was like catnip to my soul)
"Who wants to date a single dad?" he sadly wrote.
Well I couldn't stand it anymore..I was bustin by now! "Oh I don't know:I am a single mom with a little boy:you gotta problem with that?"
I asked him point blank,"what are you looking for here?"
I noticed in his profile he was nine years younger so I just assumed he was looking for a "friend." He responded quite sharply,quite certainly-he was interested in a "love thing."
The conversation quickly went from rapid fire witty repartee typing to talking on the phone. After killing the batteries on the landline phones. We moved to cell phones. And when the cell phone batteries began to blip. We made a date to meet at
noon on that very day at Kids World, where else? We met at the play structure. He was this tallstrapping young man (WAHOO!) and I think I was wearing some sort of peasanty "earth mother" garb.Showing off the cleavage...yeah know the desperate Mommy trap! Hey I was desperate,Ok! Not proud ..desperate!
We sat next to each other and watched the kids play. Then my shoulder touched his and it was like magic. I exhaled. He exhaled. We were breathing together. No words. Just
the rise and fall of each other's breathing, keeping pace with our rapidly beating hearts.
And then right in front of nine million kids and God...we kissed...OMG! Such lips only belong to angels!
We moved in together with our kids about a month later. Shocked? Ok. It was fast. But we knew:somehow.So we leapt. And now we are the modern mini "Brady Bunch". Sans the dead spouses. (Pity that!)
And my "itch", I do believe, is the actual feeling of something completely foreign to me:contentment. I think I might just be happy. The "itch" I beleive is
boredom from a lack of drama. Oh! Bloody hell!
THIS is love? This now calm comfortable sweet feeling that I have arms to fall into and lips to kiss,every single day,every morning.Oh! gotta love sex in the morning,just gotta!
And I do,do,do,do,do!
Last night I went to dinner and dancing with some sober-gal-pals.
We enjoyed a great dinner at Live Culture! (www.liveculturelounge.com and facebook)
Yummy! Fun! Fabulous! We had like three waiters..cute!
We were like a parody of the Sex and The City girls. Lots of shiny clothes, heals and sparkles...caffeine! You have to try this place! It is across from the movie theatre at Paseo Nuevo. They serve tapas,great salads and a creme' brulee that ROCKS! (anything made with a blow torch rocks):just divine! And with a really talented live combo playing from the rafters:like coolo bat-boy musicians! It is very relaxed..tasty and well priced!
They are a new hometown busniness..so go..support local..say Lizzy sent you and they will give you $2.00 off lunch 11-1 M-F!
Then we were off to the Wildcat. Okay:now if you saw the film "Knocked Up!" and remember the scene outside the nightclub with the bouncer... when the very pregnant Katherine Heigl and her sister were trying to break the line:the "velvet rope" scene?
If you remember that scene:that was me:my anxiety as we approached the club was through the roof! I just knew this guy was going to say.."you are as old as F...like not too old for the planet:just for this club:why aren't you home knitting?" To my absolute
amazement they were very sweet to us. When we got inside and my eyes met the metallic red naugha-hide covered walls I was in my bliss. How beautiful!
It went downhill from there. I wasn't he oldest person there:but I was somehow invisible.No one even noticed me. No one said a word to me other than my gal pals. No matter. I danced my "bo-hiney" off anyhow. I shook it, grooved it, my hair was rockin':the "hair dance" was back. I had a Red Bull and took to the dance floor with the neurotic verve of an ADD riden teenager:without the teen angst.The energy permeated the room. The fear of loneliness and rejection. Ah! I remember the disco days. No wonder I drank. And the vodka flowed at this place. From glowing clear glass glistening ice buckets. I was so happy right then and there to just be me. Old as F,but me!
Only now I can walk down the street to this Mecca of unmet-angst-ridden-raging-youth:and savagely:unmercilessly:take advantage of the verve, dance my pa-chu-chu-watti off and then quite peacefully walk to Elsie's to check on the "real people":and then meander home. To my crazy-cozy little miss-matched home filled with Love. Who knew I could ever be so happy? Who knew I would ever be so content:and all without a martini!