"Born high forever to fly
Wind velocity nil
Wanna high forever to fly
If you want your cup our fill
They call it mellow yellow(Quite rightly)
They call me mellow yellow(Quite rightly)
They call me mellow yellow:"
I have found myself and lost myself and found myself again in my first Ten years of sobriety. Just before I got sober I was so lost I thought there was no end to the darkness. I was in the Black Hole of Calcutta.
I knew I had to end my life as I knew it.
And so I did.
I moved back to Santa Barbara with my two-year-old son and after three weeks of the black abyss of despair and a lot of whiskey, I fell on my own sword.
It was 5 pm on a Tuesday and I was heading up Chapala on my way to pick up my son from day care. I was drunk and I was driving. I was that woman you hear about and hate. A mother driving drunk. I had pulled off the road and was crying slumped over my steering wheel.
I was begging for help:"God help me. God help me...God help me:PLEASE!"
Help came in the form of a cop tapping on my window.
"Are you Ok?" He asked. I did not respond. I did not respond until the next day. I was arrested for DUI. I was hit with every book they could throw at me. I was charged with everything possible. CPS took my son for twelve hours. And in that twelve hours I experienced the deepest soul sickness I had ever had.
The idea of losing my son pierced my heart and then my head.
I surrendered to whatever is out there that guides us. I surrendered to heaven and the universe. Surrender can be the deepest darkest kind of mystery. And yet I let go because the river became too strong and the twig I was holding onto to was too weak.
So I let the river take me.
And the river took me home.
I was free.
I put an end to the life I had before and found a new life. I have been blissed out, in love, broken hearted,miserable and in love again, always in love :all in sobriety.
I was a thoughtless-self-serving-self-pitying-girl and now I am a:
mother, daughter, sister, stepmom, fiance', friend, writer, actor, painter, singer, ice skater, dancer and all around self-sufficient yet creative entity.
My life is at times very heavy, yet I do it, every day without a drink.
If I did drink I am certain I would lose everything.
I got a second chance.
I got a break.
Just to be very clear and very frank. I know how freaking lucky I am. I know this chance to recover and have a full life is a fragile precious thing. I am grateful and I try to reflect that gratitude in the way I live every day. Today I am on the beach. The cove I sit in has a cozy umbrella of layered shale rock. A couple of silkies (seals) are popping their heads up through the massive blanket of deep green and gold seaweed. The seaweed bounces on the surface of the ocean like a raft.
It is a stunningly gorgeous, clear cerillion-blue-sky day and I can complain about nothing.
My kids are healthy and as happy as a puberty-stricken-loveseick 12-year-old boy and an overly-competitive-big-brother-challenged 9 year old can be. My parents are safe. My fiance' is still my fiance' even though I am ten years older, in menopause and a struggling writer....struggling to becoming a human-"being" not a human-"doing".
I am a great "doer" and I need to let up on the "doing" and pursue my "being."
"I am in pain, I am in need: I am in love." ~Indigo Girls
I look at the deep blue and green Pacific Mystery and I see my self. The mystery I house within. The beauty that holds that mystery. If by midnight tonight I don't take a drink I will be ten years sober.
Saturday I will visit "uncle" Dave in Santa Monica and go to some really cool, cool meetings at the "Un Urban Coffee" (3301 Pico Blvd, 90405) I love a coffee house meeting. I can have a bagel and a schmear with some good coffee and feel Bohemian in the Bohemian setting. We will go to Chez Jays and have Sand Dabs for dinner.
Chez Jays is the bomb! And I have been a patron since I was a wee lass. Chez Jay still has the best Juke Box offering four tunes for a buck. Peanut shells crackle under foot, the red nogahide booths and christmas lights create a cozy hazy red heaven .
Such is my joy!
I bought a long saffron yellow scarf with deep red Sanskrit writing on it to celebrate and remind me of how far I have come.
For today:Nothing can harsh my mellow.