Did I lose my mind? After a week that would buckle the sturdiest 20 year olds constitution.
I am zizzing...but ok...and why? I don't know for sure...I think the light went on..and someone is finally... home.
I woke up today and realized, I feel younger than I did five years ago...maybe even ten. Despite a debilitating back injury and stress over elder care for my parents,school,kids and life... I have found my passion again....in EVERYTHING.
When I am at school I am all there,when I am at home I am buzzing on this project or that on top of the usual "Mommy"stuff. I have even lost twenty pounds! (Woohoo!)
I think...I found my "Kefi"...and lots of it.
So how at 50 years old does this happen?
Well I tell ya' what I believe it is.
I had a shift.
You know like the plates in the earth.
And a BIG one.
I just changed my mind about my life,my body,my "being." And it is working. I eat when I am hungry. I sleep. I watch movies. I write. I go to school. I cook. I clean. I am with my kids as a Mom and my Mother as a daughter. I am dreaming BIG.
And living as a "present" being.
So what is a "present being?" Well... I am not a Rhodes Scholar by any means. But I think I connected to the "source" of my being and like a light bulb in socket whose switch has been flipped...I turned on.
Am I good at this yet? Do I get it? Use it well?
No...not yet...I am an infant.
I am SO energetic sometimes...I short.
I get too much energy going and it just pops out of the top of my head...Ew! I know!
Yeah...so I yell or become too involved.
But it is OK...yeah know?
Because ...kind of like when you are going down the wrong street...I can turn around and find another street.
This connectivity is sensitive...fragile even.
I sometimes feel like John Travolta's character in "Phenomenon." I am full of an energy that I believe has always been there...waiting to be tapped. And it has distilled and become strong. You know what recovery means to me?
To take back something I already had.
It all started at the end of last summer. I was having back spasms one on top of the other. I would get relief from Physical Therapy and Epidural Shots and feel progress and then I would have a set back...still I knew I was connecting to something. And the "something" was Universal. It involved all of me. My back was not going to "own me." My back is a part of me and I needed to learn how to "enjoy the ride."
The tragedy I was creating around my back was an illusion. The reality was..I was basically OK.
Sunny with a few afternoon and evening thundershowers. And I learned living in the Southern United states that afternoon rain was necessary for growth. So this pain... this very precious pain...needed to be used for and about living...not dying.
Am I making any sense here?
The thing is...I am gonna be in pain anyhow ,right? I might as well stay busy and distract the pain.That's my story and I stickin' to it.
This "magnificent obsession" is working in my life.
I am letting go of old,worn out resentments.
I am smiling at everyone and almost like the village idiot...like Santa Barbara's own "Quasi' Motto"... I am finding there is love...all around me.
My fiance' will tell you. I lose sight sometimes.
What does that mean? To lose sight.
It means...when I forget what is important...and more importantly...WHAT IS REAL...I disconnect.
When I stop,look and listen...I find light.
And light is the center of my being.
I am in no way saying I am angelic.
Oh I wanna' be. Do not doubt that.
I would love to be Mother Theresa or Oprah.
But I am more like Clarence from "It's A Wonderful Life" ...an angel second class.
And I am ready for my wings!
Now this is not to say that I am this lovely perfect person. But what I am saying is that I am alive.
I am in process. I am present and willing to be...whatever. Of service...in love.
I want to be alive when I die...as the immortal Farrah Fawcett once said...(in some movie I do not even remember the name of...because I am in menopause too...and forget...what my belly button is called sometimes....I just stare at it until I remember.)
I know...save me a bed at Buena Vista..sheesh!
But despite memory lapses and back pain and some temperamental moments...I think I am ok.
I am on the ride.
I experienced a live broadcast of "A Prairie Home Companion: Live From the Santa Barbara Bowl" Saturday afternoon. Nothing compares to live radio. Yes, I love Garrison Keillor...and Fred Newman. I saw Garrison in the Senate Gallery in DC a few weeks ago,while on the 8th Grade DC trip. No doubt visiting Al (rock the Senate floor) Frankin...I love him too....what can I say...I am love marmalade!
Casa Bahiti, Las Gaviotas, Rosarito Beach, Mexico
I am in Baja with four energetic, opinionated, strong, lovely and amazing boys. Baja has it's challenges. The geography does a 360 at the border. "Toto we are not in Kansas any more." Mexico offers diverse challenges and bright and brilliant lessons.
Like...I need to learn Spanish...my lame ass Spanglish is an insult to them and to me.
It ain't cute anymore.
The Mexican's have a harder life.
There is much visible dilapidation and abandonment here. It breaks your heart.
While we are in our lovely "gated" safe haven on the beach...people blocks away are struggling for existence. It is an unfair world. Why do we "have" when others don't? Can't we just spread it all around? Take some cream off the top and make life better for more people instead of really grand for some? My son said it best..."how can we be so close to these people and simply ignore their poverty...it seems inhuman."
And I think, as I listen to the waves crash below my window...and thank the universe for the blessings of my life..."I want to be a part of the solution."
I want to find my humanity.
And then be that.
A human being...in all of it's energetic abundance.
I think it's all about small moves. About looking out for one another even if we don't agree with one another. It is about peace...in the world...and on your street. Being a good friend and decent neighbor. It is about leveling the playing field so everyone gets a chance at their dreams.
For God sake. I should be dead...right? I was a drunk Mommy. A rotten old shell of a human...and I changed...so anything is possible.