POOPS for I.V.

I would like to propose a solution to recurring mêlées in Isla Vista. I am suggesting that those of us in the local community — born after 1930 but before 1980, perhaps — step up.

As does happen when, as a parent, you intrude upon a child’s social gathering, the festive atmosphere immediately evaporates to be replaced with a still and wary watchfulness for as long as you remain in the area. Building upon this experience, I propose POOPS (Pitiful Odd Old People Serving). I suggest the following deployments:

For Halloween, as we POOPS shuffle and lurch through the revelers, the vacuum of our diminishing life force will suck up the youthful exuberance, thus reducing the collateral damage by a significant percentage. (Costumes/makeup for our squad will be unnecessary; sorry about that.)

As for Deltopia, I think that the sight of our cohort dressed in swim suit attire, drifting through the streets, will immediately replace the festive atmosphere with one of despair and foreboding, and everyone will simply go home.

So, as members of the Not-So-Great Generation, perhaps we can at last serve the greater good?