And the Satire Winners Are….

“McCaw is a genius,” said Robert L. Krakoff, president of
E&Ps parent company, VNU Business Media, in a written statement
released by its Bangkok, China-based PR firm, Zhang PR &
Propoganda, Inc. “When faced with the insidious truth-mutiny
engineered by Roberts and his bias-churning editorial staff, McCaw
did what no other publisher has ever done: She engaged Roberts in
an ingenious battle of wits. Her early moves appeared to be
foolish, but therein lived the masterstroke. By demanding that
addresses never be printed in the paper, and by issuing a hard
policy on the use of the word “blonde,” she laid the foundation
upon which Roberts’s removal from the newsroom was ultimately
built. And she did it all from her yacht! For this, we have created
the Ultimate Supreme Visionary Award, which will be given to Wendy
and Wendy only.”

E&P is withholding the date of the closed-door ceremony
to be held at the Montecito Biltmore. McCaw could not be reached
for comment. Fenfang Zhang, E&P’s publicist, said through her
interpreter that Comedian George Burns has been raised from the
dead specifically to entertain at the event.

“We felt man who play God in movies – best logical choice!”
exclaimed Zhang.

Zhang said the award itself is a “significant gold block
into which has been encased large stack of US currency.”

Editor’s Choice Award for Satirical Conspiracy

Yet what really caught our editors’ eyes was a last minute
addition from “Raul Hernandez.” So we’re giving Raul an award for
“Best Satirical Conspiracy Theory.” Such far-flung conspiratorial
allegations do, in fact, mirror the sorts of allegations being
thrown out there by the News-Press management. Here is his
(or her?) satirical story:

Dateline Santa Barbara — An FBI investigation showed that
the Santa Barbara News Press was infiltrated by terrorists posing
as journalists who with the help of a fake journalism organization
and corrupt state officials tried to take over the newspaper. After
a year-long investigation, the FBI said they were alerted the the
situation by owner Wendy McCaw who became suspcious after she found
reporters taking out prayer rugs in the newsroom and facing east to
pray during the lunch hour. “Initially, Ms.McCaw first contacted
our office because she kept insisting that aliens had taken over
the newsroom,” said FBI regional head Jay Ambrose. “I told her,
‘girl, everybody’s got the same problem. You need to go to the the
Border Patrol or Homeland, we are FBI and we don’t do aliens.'”
McCaw told the FBI that the aliens were from space who had stalked
her and her companion, head wine taster and cheese consultant —
Arthur Von Wiesenberger, said Ambrose. “The space ship hovered
around their yacht one night earlier this year. The couple said
they believed the reason they weren’t snatched and examined is
because Wiesenberger threatened to sue the aliens,” Mueller said,
adding. “I guess they heard about all the lawsuits and the aliens
wanted no part of it. I don’t know. I mean who wants to be tied up
in court.” McCaw was persistent. She returned to the FBI a month later. This
time, she had a videotape that showed the prayer rugs and the
“reporters’keisters” up in the air. “It was very revealing,” said
Ambrose. “Especially, when we zoomed in.” The videotape also showed
editors, the financial chief, the comptroller and columnists
stepping over these people as though they were oblivious to what
was happening. “We knew we were on to something big,” said Ambrose.
A law enforcement task force of 200 local, state and federal
officers fanned and made arrests in several counties, soup and
unemployment lines early this morning. A columnist was arrested at
Casa Esperanza near her shopping cart. FBI agents said hours of
newsroom videotapes were analyzed and what they found, Ambrose
described, as “shocking.” Ambrose said a judge can be seen on the
videotape meeting with editors and newspaper higher ups behind
closed doors. “They were so brazen, the judge was wearing his robe
during the meetings,” said Ambrose.”Apparently, they were
discussing how they were going to plot against Ms. McCaw at a NLRB
hearing.” That justice later was identified as Judge William “Sit
down and shut up” Schmidt with the National Labor Relations Board.
Schmidt recently held hearings on the vote by reporters to join the
Teamsters Union. An NLRB spokesman Mindy Christy refused to confirm
or deny the existence of Judge Schmidt “However, we are puting him
on administrative leave pending an investigation,” Christy said.”He
is in Equador or one of those countries near the equator that I
can’t spell.” Meanwhile, McCaw has turned over paperwork of a bogus
organization set up by the maverick reporters and editors called
“The Society for Professional Journalists,” said Ambrose. “There
could be links to Al Qaeda. We are still investigating,” he said.
“Terrorists and crazy people know that if you can take over a
newsroom you can influence a community.” The FBI is also checking
into claims by McCaw that some Santa Barbara small businesses they
are supporting terrorists by hanging signs that read: “Wendy Obey
the Law “She said this is actually a hidden message that says ’10
percent off here for Arab guys and aliens,'” said Ambrose. “We are
taking this latest allegation seriously.” David Millstein (pictured
here with Nipper, Wendy’s fiancee), the paper’s general counsel,
said in an interview that McCaw is still hurt that people in Santa
Barbara are being “so mean” and hopes the FBI investigation will
vindicate her. McCaw is proud that she foiled a plot
that would have destroyed her and her newspaper, said Millstein.
“She is a hero, and so is Travis, Yolanda and the others who saw
right through this diabolical conspiracy,” said Millstein. McCaw
refused to be interviewed for this report. “How can she trust any
journalist after this?” said Millstein. “She is going to write your
own story about this and quote herself to make sure the article is
accurate.” In response to a question, Millstein said, “If there is
an error in her story, we can always run a correction. But she’ll
tape the interview with herself to make sure she gets it right…I
don’t believe she can sue herself for libel, no.”

So there you have it, Santa Barbara Media Blog readers, the
results of our first ever Be-a-Reporter satire contest. Sorry for
the typos, misspellings, and the like, but aspiring journos don’t
get the type of copy edit treatment you may expect from us. Maybe
we’ll do another one soon.

More Media News

Meanwhile, if you haven’t been following the other blogs, a few
important developments happened recently. One, Travis Armstrong
called his last five years at the News-Press as “great.”
And two, the Electronic
Frontier Foundation is defending Blogabarbara author Sara De
la Guerra, whose identity is being sought after by attorneys for
the News-Press. As a leading defender of First Amendment
rights in this digital age, that’s some big help, and the
News-Press legal team should not take their involvement
lightly.

Also, Craig Smith yesterday
published a story about a nice chat with Vladimir
Kogan, the much maligned young reporter who was on the
News-Press staff after the meltdown. Kogan explained to
Smith that he was helping The Indy in our
legal case against the News-Press. That’s something I
heard over here awhile back, but did not want to report for
strategic reasons. Thanks to Smith for releasing that cat, and
thanks to Kogan for standing up to bullies.

In other media news, the Daily Sound
went all tabloid on us this week. I guess they’re not afraid of
The Indy suing them for likeness (and they shouldn’t
be).

And lastly, if you hadn’t yet realized, the Santa
Ynez Valley Journal was sold by the
Montecito Journal‘s owner Jim
Buckley a little while back to Nancy
Crawford-Hall, a rancher from Santa Ynez known for her
outspoken manner and rootsy, conservative ag-at-all-costs beliefs.
Just recently, the paper’s editor, who I believe was Alison
Hershon, quit out of nowhere, and the paper is currently seeking a
full-time editor to run the paper. Since there are so many pros in
town that no longer have newspaper gigs thanks to the N-P
meltdown, I figured this would be a good place to drop this news
and see if anyone’s interested. If so, email matt@independent.com and I can
get you a phone number and better explanation.

Until the next time the News-Press does something silly
and makes us throw up another column, that’s all for now.