All the Snooze Too Fat to Print
Nick Welsh ponders what must be going on behind the scenes everyday at the News-Press in his first-ever online only Angry Poodle Barbecue.
Living
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Spider DogZ
SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT: Contrary to popular wisdom, it turns out patriotism is not necessarily the last refuge available to scoundrels; that distinction belongs to selective amnesia. But in the case of our memory-challenged Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, both appear to be true.
Yo Perro Tambien
Self Inflicted Fragging:Perhaps if juvenile humans were half as important as rats, they’d have a few friends in high places. But there were precious few on hand two weeks ago to witness the Santa Barbara School Board taking out a butcher knife and gutting-albeit reluctantly-$2.5 million worth of classes, services, and after-school sports programs from the school budget.
All the News Not Fit to Print
RIP-n-READ: One of the more depressing aspects of the self-inflicted mutilation taking place at the News-Press is its withering effect on our ability to laugh. I hate to admit it, but it’s hard to crack wise when you have lawyers threatening to sue you to kingdom come. Greeting me on my computer Tuesday morning as I sat down to write the latest installment of this agonizing tale were not one, but two threatening letters from attorneys.
¡#$*^ the Dog!
GO FIGURE: The only reassuring news to come out of the Virginia Tech slaughter is that we need not fear suicide bombers as long as we remain on American soil. Given our propensity for other forms of murder, suicide, and mayhem, most suicide bombers will seem beside the point here.
Whale Tagging the Dog
KICK ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE DOWN: I just read how a UCSB researcher scored a grant from the Department of Defense for a couple million bucks to study something known as “robust uncertainty management.” While I love the sound of this, I admit I have no clue what it actually means.
A Tail of Two Dogs
OF BABIES AND BATHWATER: The folks at City Hall should know by now it’s not polite to gloat. But sometimes it’s impossible to resist, and such was clearly the case this Tuesday afternoon.
Cold Winds and Hot Dogs
HARD HITTER: Billy Connell, it seems, was born to fight. First, it was with Sister Agnes, his sixth-grade teacher at the Catholic school he attended back in New Jersey. When Sister Agnes made the mistake of smacking Connell with a ruler, he reciprocated by snatching it away and smacking her back.
One Sick Puppy
News-Press owner Wendy P. McCaw is not content having merely a bee in her bonnet. As befitting someone of her exalted status, McCaw has a whole hive living there. Maybe this fact explains the extraordinary longevity of a story-the sad saga of the News-Press meltdown-that has more legs than a herd of centipedes.
Katzenjammer Dogs
WAITING FOR THE OTHER SOCK TO DROP: I don’t know much about art, but I know what I don’t like. What I don’t like is the high-handed manner in which the people behind the Center for the Performing Arts have been acting. No doubt, they’re a great bunch. No doubt I’d like them a lot if I spent any time with them. And no doubt, I’ll love it when their wet dream comes true and the Granada Theatre is rehabilitated to its once and future splendor.