Inspired by the billions made by the Inside Out animated movies — in which emotions are personified as human figures inside your brain — our Opportunist-in-Chief decided to cash in. He ordered the newly named Trumpsonian Institution to create a “Tourist Museum Experience” entitled Huge Emotions Inside Trump’s Brain. This new attraction is a virtual walk through his brain where you can witness AI animated characters personifying his emotional states. I bought a ticket, paid the extra Trump Tax™, and got a personal tour.
My guide, a recently hired perennial millennial named Cathy, met me at the entrance. As we began the tour, she pointed at irregular splotches on the floor, “Those are Lies. You’ll see them all over this place. Avoid stepping on them. They’re hard to get rid of. Funny thing about Lies — that’s exactly what they do — they lie. Lies just lie there destroying the truth.”
She stopped in front of two huge doors, “This is his Pride Room. The most powerful place in his brain.”
She opened one door and I saw four scowling men seated around a massive table, “There’s Hubris, Arrogance, Narcissism, and Greed — they’re always busy — they influence every decision he makes.”
She pointed at the back of the room, “Caring, Empathy, and Humility stay in the back because they’re not allowed to sit at his Pride Room table — he calls them the ‘feminine sides’ of men. The other Emotions mock them. Or ignore them.”
As we walked away, she lowered her voice: “There’s a strong male against female bias here in Trump’s Brain, but he never admits it. The word misogyny was deleted from his Vocabulary, as is any word he can’t pronounce, or any concept he doesn’t understand, like genocide or freedom of the press.”
She stopped, made sure no one was watching, then nodded toward a narrow opening in the wall: “Epstein Alley. A lot of locked doors on that alley. It’s forbidden to go down there. I’m not even supposed to tell you it’s there.”
She moved on quickly. “In this part of his brain we can see Jealousy and Resentment — they’re monitoring computer screens looking for things that others possess but that he might want — like a kingdom, his own army, or no term limits — things that used to be unAmerican but are now part of his American Dream.”
She gestured at the floor as we walked, “More Lies. Watch your step.”
A screaming man suddenly burst out a door and ran down the hall. She said, “Paranoia. Thinks everyone’s out to get him but he can’t find any evidence.”
Her tone became cautious, “Wait here. I’ll see what mood Rage is in.” Had she just implied this Emotion was dangerous? She waved me over and I saw a large angry man next to a thin man wearing glasses. Both sorted through stacks of papers as she said, “Rage and Revenge search through his past to find out who screwed him, who insulted him, and who dared to stand up to him. They’re making a ‘List of My Enemies’ so he knows who to target next.”
She leaned in and spoke quietly, “They update the List constantly.” I felt like she’d just warned me that they might add me to their List.
An obese man bumped into me. His head was down, texting on his phone. He didn’t stop, he just kept walking and texting. She apologized, “Sorry. I should have warned you to watch out for Ignorance. He pops up everywhere.”
We stopped in front of large screens showing videos of our Marvel-in-Chief dressed as famous cartoon heroes: “Self-Image is my favorite Emotion. He sees the heroic cartoon version of himself instead of the real-life carbon version. I absolutely love telling visitors that last line.”
She laughed. “His Self-Image was created in his own Land of Make Believe. You know, like when you were a kid — before you grew up — you put yourself at the center of every story and everything revolved around you. And, if you whined long enough, you got what you wanted.” She leaned over and whispered, “The thing is, he never grew up. He’s Peter Pan with ruthless ambition.”
A real Security Guard came toward us. She glanced at him and then said to me: “Stop in the Gift Shop and buy a replica of the Nobel Peace Prize he hasn’t won. You’ll be the first person on your block dumb enough to own one.”
She quickly walked away. The Guard followed her. Turned out this was Cathy’s last tour. I was told she got fired for saying, “He’s Peter Pan with ruthless ambition.” But maybe she got fired for telling the truth. Or. Maybe. She got fired for being a woman.
