Whenever my wife, Jane, is asked where we live, she replies, Santa Barbara. The new acquaintance inevitably smiles, and Jane continues, “It’s where God would live if she could afford it.”
Last week, I had to go to Isle La Vista, and Jane called and asked me to pick up a carton of milk. I walked into the first market I found. Instead of milk, what I found was almost every kind of beer sold in the world. Row after row of cans with names like Juice Monster, Atomic Tornado, Mind Haze, and Hopsmack were neatly stacked in cases throughout the store. No milk, though.
I walked to the front counter and asked the clerk if his market sold milk. He gave me an incredulous look and asked, “What for?”
Turns out supply and demand had determined that the countless brands of international beers had pushed poor milk out of the store. If I wanted Twisted Black Cherry Beer, Rock Star Energy, or even Bud Light, no problem.
I walked down the block to the next market. The streets were littered with college kids, all of whom seemed to be trying out for the swim team. They all wore revealing swimsuits, had sun-drenched bodies, and great hair.
As I walked the aisles of the new market, I was again overwhelmed by the immense variety of suds available. Chocolate Express Beer, Weird Whaler energy drinks, and little cans in the shape of a baseball called “buzz balls.” No milk.
I asked the owner if, perchance, they sold milk? He motioned for me to follow him, and we walked to the back of the store. He turned left and walked down a long, semi-lit corridor. There, tucked away in the shopping suburbs, were a few hapless cartons of milk.
UCSB, like most other schools, uses beer as its social lubricant. Sales of beer are four times those of wine.
Beer has been around for over 13,000 years. It was instrumental in the formation of our civilization. Thirty-five-billion gallons of beer are sold for almost $3 billion each year.
Just to be polite, I bought a six-pack of Atomic Tornado, which promised flavors of lush fruit, citrus, and sticky pine. Jane and I thought it tasted more like carbonated cough syrup, but I still have hundreds of other taste treats yet to sample.
With due diligence, I will soon proudly sport the beer belly I’ve always wanted.
