Some people claim that games reflect the values of the society that created them. Oddly, one of America’s favorite old board games was Monopoly, even though its stated goal — that one person should own everything — was definitely un-American. This is quite a vile idea if you think about it.
Autocracy is the new board game that is replacing Monopoly. Its popularity is growing despite this game also having a clearly un-American goal — that one person should run everything. Having un-American goals may be the only thing these games have in common because further comparison reveals some very significant differences.
For one thing, Monopoly was produced by Parker Bros., and Autocracy is being sold by Trump Bro.Consequently, instead of players choosing a Wheelbarrow or a Dog to represent them, the playing pieces include a Golf Cart, a MAGA Cap, an ICE Agent, Greenland, and a Test Tube of Testosterone.
Go has been renamed Mar-a-LaGo, and, every time you pass LaGo, you get $200,000 – and you get to fire25,000 Government Employees. Both games are about making Real Estate Deals but in Autocracy you don’t build green houses and red hotels — you tear down White Houses and erect Gold Casino-Hotels.
Due to the needs of the modern player, Autocracy has dozens of Get Out of Jail Free cards. Its Chance cards allow you to take a chance on investing in Trump Bro brands, from Bibles to Crypto-Currencies. Its Community Chest cards tell you which community service Trump Bro wants you to shut down.
Each player is given two new cards before play begins in Autocracy. The Commander-in-Chiefcard allows you to have a parade, drop a bomb, or even invade your own cities. Players are also given an Empathy card, but it’s blank. Players were supposed to get a Habeas Corpus card, butthey’ve all been lost.
Publicly supported Railroads have been replaced by privately owned Golf Courses in Autocracy. Youmust pay exorbitant green fees each time you land on a Golf Course – unless you are a Trump Bro Oligarch. You become an Oligarch by “kissing” one of his cheeks every time you pass LaGo.
The Income Tax space in Autocracy now applies to you only if you make less than $75,000 a year,and Luxury Tax has been changed to Climate Change Tax — but you don’t have to pay this tax if you don’t believe in Climate Change.
Water Works now sells a polluted product, so no one buys it. Instead, Autocracy players are forced to buy Trump Bro Spring Water which is also polluted but it comes with the Trump Bro guarantee of environmental sustainability — which is printed right on the label of his non-recyclable plastic bottles.
Solar Electric Company is for sale but only on a bright sunny day. Otherwise there’s no energy — everyone knows this is true because Trump Bro said it.
The Go Directly to Jail! space is a Go Directly to Jail Then Get Deported! space. Of course the roll of the dice is random, but if you land here, Trump Bro labels you an “Illegal Alien Criminal” and you aresent to jail without a hearing. Once in jail you must provide a Get Out of Jail Free card. If you can’t produce one, you are thrown out of the game and sent to someplace you’ve never heard of.
In Autocracy, the space once called Free Parking has become Free Speech. Whoever lands on FreeSpeech gets to define it, and anyone who protests is brutally shut up — with unnecessary and excessive force.
A lot of people enjoy this ruthless new game, but it’s not for me. After playing Autocracy a few times, I decided I prefer the milder version of un-American vileness found in Monopoly. Or in Exploding Kittens.
Note: If you like games, you should also know that there’s a new book in the Where’s Waldo? series. In Where’s Marco? the reader tries to find Mr. Rubio as he wanders the globe doing whatever odd job he’s told. Not only do you not know where Marco is, you can’t figure out what he believes in. Fun for all ages.
