Thomas J. Scheff
Years ago, Tom joined a course called ‘A Year to Live’ – living the year as though it were the last. In this course, he wrote that his first wish was to say goodbye to his friends and family: to his children – Karl, Robin and Julie, and step children – Jennifer, Thomas and Lydia, his 7 grandchildren – Elizabeth, Emily, Hannah, Katherine, William, Alexander, and Hadrian, and his 4 great grandchildren, as well as his nieces Lisa and Stacy; and to his wife and lifelong companion, Suzanne Retzinger,
In their 46 years together, Tom and Suzanne explored not only the depths of human emotion, but also the joys and complexities of everyday life. Their marriage was one of mutual respect, intellectual partnership, and deep emotional intimacy.
Tom wrote about a cross-country trip they took early in their relationship – how it became a space for long, deep, and vulnerable conversations about emotions and their own deaths, laughing and crying together along the road. That journey set the tone for their life together: open, honest, curious, and full of love.
Tom lived a life of joy and pain, marked by creativity, integrity, and an unwavering dedication to understanding the human emotional experience. He had profound compassion for suffering, and redefined how we understand mental illness, shame, emotion, and the subtle forces that bind us together – or keep us apart.
He is a respected scholar, known worldwide for his work on the impacts of labeling mental illness, sociology of emotions, and social aspects of shame, which he and his wife explored together. He was admired for his brilliance, his willingness to challenge convention, and was courageous enough to explore the edges of emotional landscapes where others fear to tread. He was always ahead of the times.
Dr. Scheff’s international recognition is reflected in honorary doctorates from the University of Karlstad in Sweden and Copenhagen University as well as visiting appointments at institutions world wide. Flags will be lowered for him at UCSB on June 17 th where he taught and conducted research for 50 years. Link to professional work: https://chancellor.ucsb edu/memos/2025-06-04-sad-news-professor-emeritus-thomas-scheff
For those lucky enough to have known him personally, particularly in the later years, Tom was not just a brilliant and creative mind, but had a profoundly deep and compassionate heart, which took center stage as he aged.
He cared more about solving social problems than recognition, more about depth than prestige. He was a man of integrity. He believed in the power of honesty, and in the healing potential of relationships. He leaves behind a legacy of deep insight into the human condition.
As his memory faded in later years, his ‘heart’ grew. His caregiver once asked, “Is he always so mellow?” To the end, Tom remained heart centered and still curious, reminding us that there is always more to learn, to feel, to understand, and to pay closer attention to in our lives.
He died at Sarah House May 23, 2025 at the age of 95.
Please make tax deductible donations to Friendship Center kathryn@friendshipcentersb.org and Sarah House https://www.sarahhousesb.com/donate, who gave Tom and his family loving care.
