“Back by popular demand” is a lie since no one asked me to write a sequel to “Laughing at the Heart of Darkness.” A lot has changed since I wrote that first one, but at least one thing remains the same — we never know what he’s going to say or do. So we need a laugh to relieve the tension even more.
Here is my second attempt to find humor in the current and upcoming political “environment” — I know I should have used the term milieu because it’s more sophisticated — but I refuse to pay his tariff on imported French words.
The Sequel
Our alphabet will be simpler to memorize since it will no longer contain the letters D, E, and I, as well as L, G, B, T, and Q.
We can all look forward to seeing Kid Rock, Elvis Impersonators, and gun shows at the Kennedy Center.
There will never be another hurricane or oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
We will know how Afghans feel when other countries look at them and exclaim, “We just can’t believe how you treat women!”
Trump will replace the dartboard he uses to determine the amounts of his tariffs with lottery ping pong balls — and host the daily selection show himself.
Lin-Manuel Miranda will write a new musical entitled McKinley.
Fluency in Afrikaans will be the only requirement refugees need to gain entry into the United States.
Because seeing the movie Escape from Alcatraz inspired Trump to resurrect that institution, Netflix will edit out all the plantation scenes in Gone with the Wind.
The Trump Dictionary will be published. Omissions include “empathy,” “racism”, and “transgender.” He defends not including them by claiming they don’t exist.
We will run out of lawyers.
In order to prove that higher education is run by left-wingers, Trump will accuse elite colleges of handing out Liberal Arts degrees.
Anyone with a phone will be able to listen in on all top secret military decisions.
Realizing he has to have a wife who can tolerate standing next to him, Trump will appoint Rudy Giuliani to be First Lady.
Women will be able to live simpler and simpler lives as white men make more and more decisions for them.
Trump will mandate that, in post game victory interviews, players must first thank him for winning the game. Then they can thank God.
His Executive Order defining gender terminology will force the Department of Transportation to be renamed the Department of Male-or-female-onlyportation.
Trump will order Sesame Street to be closed because of its brazen endorsement of DEI — and become furious when no one can find it on a map for him.
Bernie Sanders will launch his own texting platform called Truth Socialism.
Completely frustrated by the college’s resistance to his demands, Trump will order the Israeli army to occupy Harvard.
Vladimir Putin will buy a Gold Visa Card, entitling him to become a U.S. citizen — he then threatens to destroy our country from within. To show the world how firmly he stands up to this dictator, Trump refuses to let him use his miles.
Half of America will slim down, getting constant exercise from dropping to one knee every time Trump appears.
Lee Greenwood will release his new hit song, “Proud to Be Un-American”.
The Supreme Court will rule 6 to 3 that, since Donald Trump didn’t sign the Constitution, it doesn’t really apply to him.
And we won’t have to remember to vote anymore.
