What Does the U.S. Government Know About Barbarians?

I suddenly realized I don’t know much about Santa Barbara. I mean, I’ve been a Barbarian for 13 years — I know how to face due south (some of the time) — but I really don’t know the facts and figures which describe our city. So, I took a census. Actually, I just looked up the U.S. Census. Here’s what I found:

People who need people:  Using Census figures from 7/1/22 — if you were told that Santa Barbara’s population is approximately 1/9th of San Francisco’s, 1/5th of Oakland’s, and 3 times the size of Goleta’s, how many Barbarians would you say there are?
87,531
87,533
87,535

Whatever you picked — close enough. Recent Census figures suggest that it’s very probable that we will have lost, and gained, one Barbarian today.

Don’t even say Native. Or Indigenous. The Census didn’t:  “Foreign born” people make up 21.1 percent of our Barbarian population. But the Census doesn’t say where these people came from. Are they from Summerland? Montecito? Carpinteria? Since they don’t mass on our borders, it’s hard to tell.

How well are we wired? About 95.6 percent of Barbarian households have computers but only 91.5 percent have broadband internet subscriptions. What I want to know is, what does that 4.1 percent do with their computers? Do they use them for placemats?

Get an education:  Among Barbarians, 88 percent have graduated from high school. But is it true – or false – that over 50 percent of us have a bachelor’s degree or higher? And am I the only one who thinks the term “bachelor’s” degree sounds outdated and misogynistic? Don’t get me wrong — I’m not advocating for a “Bachelorette’s” degree. I’m just saying that getting a Bachelor’s in Women’s Studies just doesn’t sound right and that we need a new term. By the way, the statement is just barely true: 50.5 percent of Barbarians have BA degrees or higher.

Don’t forget your change:  In 2017, total retail sales in Santa Barbara were $1,658,111,000. Apparently, they can get this huge number down to the nearest thousandth — which I find astonishing since I can’t get anywhere near the correct change when I pay cash for three birthday cards at CVS.

A tale of two other Santa cities:  Santa Fe is 2 square miles short of being twice as big as Santa Barbara, and Santa Cruz is 3 square miles smaller than Santa Barbara. If Santa Fe is 21 square miles larger than Santa Cruz, how large is Santa Barbara? I loved these questions in Junior High algebra — but for those who didn’t, I’ll just tell you: Barbarians occupy 19.51 square miles. But when major storms wash away our beaches, do we drop to 18.51?

Age is a factor:  Santa Barbara is thought of as an old town. And it’s not because we have an Old Mission, it’s because we have Old People. What fraction of Barbarians pay less for movie tickets because we are 65 or older? 1/5, 1/10, or 1/2?

The answer is 19 percent, which means if you chose 1/5 you get full credit.

Commute the sentence:  The Census calculated what it terms a “mean” time of going to work. Now we could debate what the difference is between “mean” and “average” — but let’s not. So, how long is the commute to work for a Barbarian?
12 minutes
17.4 minutes
20 minutes

The specificity of the correct answer raises questions for me. How do they calculate that it’s 17.4 minutes? Do they assume that all commuters take the same route to work every day? And what if Barbarians carpool, bike, walk, skateboard — or swim — to work? I just don’t trust this Census statistic.

The mysterious code not related to Leonardo da Vinci:  Santa Barbara’s FIPS Code is 0669070. So what? Who cares? What does it mean? Who knows? That’s why I’m asking the questions. So: what does FIPS stand for — and what is this Code’s function?
A. FIPS stands for Fairly Important Person Status — and it allows the Census to differentiate us from VIPS.
B. FIPS stands for Fools, Idiots, Pinheads, and Socialists — and it provides us with insults to hurl at one another during the next election.
C. FIPS stands for Federal Information Processing System — and it identifies unique geographic areas throughout the country.

You won’t find this question in the U.S. Census:  What do Santa Barbara and Ellen DeGeneres have in common?
A. They are both known for lots of good things but the most famous thing about them is that they live down the street from Oprah.
B. They both had eponymous TV shows.
C. They both use only one vowel in their name.
D. All of the above.
E. All of the above. But I had to look up “eponymous.”