SISSY MAN SCREED: Naturally, I was shocked. Riding into work this week, I passed a huge yard sign calling for the assassination of the president. Even more shocking, the sign was displayed in front of a house directly across from one of the city’s three junior high schools. For anyone coming or going, the sign would have been impossible to miss.
What hath God wrought? I wondered. Where is the Secret Service? Only one year into his second term, Donald Trump has already set a new speed record for the number of presidential assassination attempts on his life. Specifically, the sign reads — and in big, black marker letters — “86 47.”
For those of you not up to date on your American colloquialisms, Trump — the 47th president of the United States — tells us the 47 in this equation is him. And 86, Trump says, is slang for “to kill.”
So, earlier this spring, when former FBI director James Comey, strolling along a beach, happened upon some seashells arranged to spell “86 47,” took a photo, and posted it on social media, well, naturally, Trump had his Justice Department arrest Comey on charges of calling for the assassination of the president.
Comey and Trump have what’s called history, dating back to their very first meeting in 2017 when Comey, then FBI director, declined to kiss the ring of the newly elected president. Comey — whom Trump eventually fired — has denied any homicidal intent, explaining he thought the seashell art was a clever political statement.
The prosecuting attorney assigned to this case — a rookie of the greenest hue — recently quit the department or otherwise disappeared under circumstances both abrupt and mysterious. Should they ever find a replacement, I am offering my services as an expert witness of the folk etymologist variety.
Many moons ago when the Independent had offices on the 600 block of State Street, I got to know a group of older gentlemen overly fond of their alcohol who belonged to what they proudly called Club 86. What unified them in this brotherly embrace was that they’d all been permanently kicked out of one of Santa Barbara’s more notorious dive bars, a place called The Ofice. That’s right, only one “f.” And for the record, it was pronounced “Oh-feece.” Greek, I was told, for “Snake Pit.”
Members of this club tended to congregate right where my wife tended to park her car. They looked after her with a protective avuncular solicitude and made sure nobody messed with her car. Back then, there was still a social contract, and it still meant something.
To be honest, I don’t remember how outrageously out of control these guys were. But to get put on the permanent No-Fly list at the Ofice — where only the most serious of drinkers were allowed — ranks as a major accomplishment.
The guy I remember best was a prematurely retired college professor from Texas who once was working on a biography about Lead Belly, the great American songwriter. But that was before he walked into a bar and never left. He and his club mates were absolutely clear on what “86” meant. It defined them. They lived it. It meant being bounced from a bar.
Donald Trump being a dry drunk — and, sadly, a mean one — would not know such things. Perhaps, had he stepped inside a bar enough times to get kicked out, he would have learned manners.
Normally, I’d say Trump can’t possibly believe what his federal prosecutors say he says he believes. But I gave up wondering long ago what Trump really believes about anything. Likewise, I gave up pointing out how what’s good for the goose should also be good for the gander where Trump is concerned.
Not that it’s not true; it’s just pointless.
I would only note that Comey’s alleged threat pales by any comparison with the freedom-loving patriots making up the January 6 lynch mob that invaded the Capitol to steal the election from Joe Biden. I say lynch mob because many participants were chanting, “Hang Mike Pence!” Mike Pence being Trump’s first vice president and the man who steadfastly and heroically refused to go along with his boss’s scheme to steal the election.
And it wasn’t just words. The rioters brought along their own gallows and rope just for the occasion. If Secret Service agents hadn’t intervened, it’s doubtful Pence would be alive to tell the tale. White House aides would later testify under oath that Trump was disappointed Pence got away, saying at the time that Pence “deserved it.”
An attempted assassination?
On his first day of his second term, Trump would issue a blanket pardon for all 1,500 January 6 rioters who were either convicted or pled guilty to criminal charges.
It’s worth noting Comey has no one but himself to blame. In October 2016, Comey publicly announced that the FBI was launching a second investigation into alleged e-mail misuse by then–Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, perhaps one of the most flawed Democrats to run for president. That announcement helped derail Clinton’s campaign in the final minutes. Even so, she still won three million more votes than he did; he, however, won the Electoral College. (It should be noted that the two investigations only revealed the crime of sloppiness.)
One can only hope the Comey case goes to trial soon.
In even a semi-rational world, we shouldn’t have to go through the bother of 86ing 47. Lest we get indicted for saying such things, I’m betting — hoping and praying might be more precise — 47 does us all a favor and just 86s himself.
But then Club 86 would never let him
be a member.
