The Poodle Demands Dental Care for All

SMILE WHEN YOU SAY THAT:  This was the year too many chickens came home to roost. Too much maintenance declared it could be deferred no longer. As a result, I spent way too much time with my ass affixed to my dentists’ chairs, my jaws yawning to accommodate all the whirring drill bits and nimble fingers. It was, of course, my own fault. It always is. Cavities. Crowns. Root canals. Extractions. X-rays. Even with all the magical pain-numbing injections, it felt like someone was wrestling an alligator inside my mouth. Too many times, it would seem, the alligators won. The summer of my discontent would stretch into the fall. And I ain’t done yet. When the final bills are tabulated, I may as well have bought a new car. And I’m one of the lucky ones; I actually have dental insurance. 

I mention this so you know I haven’t been drinking, should my diction sound less than precise. But also to suggest an unlikely path to victory for the poor and forlorn Joe Biden as he prepares to do battle — yet again — with America’s Gollum, Donald J. Trump. For all his amazing accomplishments, Biden can’t talk his way out of a paper bag, not surprising for a recovering stutterer. I suggest direct bribery instead — since Trump has declared war, yet again, on the Affordable Care Act. 

Giving Trump enough rope to hang himself — as Biden seems intent on doing — has never worked. He clearly has a rubber neck. Instead, Biden should double down by pledging to include dental coverage for zillions of Americans.  

No, definitely not sexy. Just essential. Do you know what it feels like when your mouth explodes in dental pain? Apparently two million Americans a year do. Roughly 20 percent of all Americans over the age of 65 have no teeth. None! When it comes to access to dental care, America typically runs in the back of the pack compared to all the Scandinavian countries — in Denmark, dental care is free for anyone 23 or younger. America comes out ahead only when compared with France. 

What’s the single biggest reason people don’t see the dentist?

Here’s a clue: It’s cost. Fewer than half of all dentists accept clients on Medicaid. Medicare doesn’t pretend to cover dental costs. Why do you think dental tourism has become such a hot market? Because people have been itching to visit Romania all these years? Remember that new car I could have bought? My private insurance — graciously provided by the Independent — couldn’t even cover the sales tax.

Here’s a chance for Biden to speak to America’s pain and its pocketbook both at the same time. Were he to declare — with all the faux solemnity and gravitas an old white guy can muster — “Dental care delayed is dental care denied!” the message would be delivered. Like everything else in this country, teeth are a racial and class issue. Black, Brown, and yes, poor White people bear the brunt of tooth decay disproportionately. Trust me, no one wants to sport that toothless meth-head look. I know. When I sailed over my handlebars several years ago and lost four teeth, I had to sue the insurance company to get dental coverage. (Actually, it was my wife who put the fear of God into them.) They claimed the work was cosmetic in nature. Five months later, I had a new grill. 

For those of you thinking — hoping and praying would be more accurate — Trump won’t be allowed on the ballot because of his multiple pending criminal convictions, don’t delude yourselves. As a species, judges hate intruding on matters that should be resolved at the ballot box. And I’m sure you all remember how in 1920, Eugene Debs — America’s great socialist — ran for president and won one million votes while serving a 10-year sentence for the crime of speaking out against World War I and the draft enacted to conscript young men. At the time, such “free speech” violated the nation’s anti-sedition law. 

The irony here is that Trump — unlike Debs — actually committed sedition by inciting the January 6 hordes to rise up and storm the Capitol, knowing that many of them were armed, in hopes of blocking final ratification of Joe Biden’s election victory. America, it seems, has an insatiable tolerance for such ironies, and Trump’s January 6 tirades — unlike Debs’s exhortations — will fall under the protections of Free Speech.

There is, of course, the thorny issue of costs to consider. Naturally, I’m not suggesting Biden underwrite cosmetic dentistry. But any policy wonk worth his/her/their salt should be able to make the numbers dance. Did you know we lose 1.2 million disability-adjusted life years per year due to untreated dental disease? That schoolkids miss out on 34 million school hours per year because of unscheduled trips to the dentist? Or that dental woes cost the American economy $45 billion per year in lost productivity? I sure didn’t. 

Personally, I also like the idea of sticking it to the sugar industry. I have no idea how many billions can be extracted in the form of a sugar tax, but is the national interest better served with better dental care or doping hamburger buns with a subliminally light dusting of sugar to keep the suckers coming back for more? To ask the question is to answer it. After all, why should rich people get all the tax loopholes and federal subsidies? I’m sure they can carve out something for my teeth.

Come on, Joe, do something. 

Make me smile.