Santa Barbara Conspiracy Theories

Last March, within hours of the bridge accident in Baltimore, these actual conspiracy theories purporting to explain its cause began circulating:
•  The ship’s captain had collapsed after taking the COVID-19 vaccine.
•  Barack Obama was behind it since he had produced a Netflix documentary in which an oil tanker ran aground.
•  The crash was due to unqualified ship personnel who’d been hired because DEI (Diversity Equity Inclusion) policies had been followed.

Does anyone really believe this kind of stuff? Well – according to a very reliable Monmouth poll, nearly 20 percent of all Americans, and over 30 percent of all Republicans, believe that Taylor Swift rigged the Super Bowl so that Joe Biden would get re-elected. Really? Really.

In light of this, I once again realized that we Barbarians are missing out – everyone else is having fun believing in multiple conspiracy theories – but we don’t have any. So let’s fix that right now.

Now, I admit I made some of these up – maybe even all of them – but how else are these theories created? Someone has to make them up. And, to be consistent with other major conspiracy creators, I made sure that no facts were included in the creation of these theories and that no research was done. In other words, these are professional-grade conspiracy theories.

The Goleta Alien Conspiracy

UFO conspiracy theories are everywhere, and a local one can be found in the City of Goleta’s website: “In 1954 the Goleta Valley [saw an influx of] defense-related research and aerospace firms” (my italics). This is an oblique reference to the government’s creation of responses to alien invasions being developed in the valley at the time. It also explains why our airport was built on a stinky desolate swamp – this made it easier for alien spaceships to arrive and depart unnoticed. The fact that you’ve never seen one proves the point.

The Black Pipes Hypothesis

Black Pipes are being put beneath our city streets. According to a foreman on a job site, each one is “installed very carefully in order to avoid interfering with utilities, electric, cable, and plumbing.” The question is: if Black Pipes are not being used for any of those things, what are they being used for? The answer is that they may be filled with monitoring equipment – a lot of information about this city turns up on government websites – just look at the U.S. Census! It’s easy to believe that these Black Pipes are being used for surveillance on possible anti-patriots, semi-socialists and quasi-communists – i.e., Barbarians.

The Unknown Experiment in Isle Vista

Isle Vista is not a town, a village, or an island. Yet 25,000 people live there, almost all of them about the same age, and, judging by their dumpsters full of empty pizza boxes, they all eat a lot of pizza. It’s almost as if there were some kind of life-changing experiment going on. But run by whom and for what purposes? Well … Rusty’s has to test its new products somewhere.

Why Do We Create Bike Lanes?

The idea of bike lanes has been spread by the Woke Culture – you know, those people who want to include everybody in everything and assume everyone’s equal – did you ever notice that half of “culture” is made up of “cult”? Anyway, Wokers argue that we should all use bikes because it’s good for the planet and we need the exercise. Right. Next they’ll be telling us to only eat “healthy” food.

The “Dog Day Afternoon” Plot

Word to the wise: don’t worry about dog walkers, worry about dog talkers. Leashed to their pets, dog talkers meet and greet each other “spontaneously” on every street corner in town. They speak in an arcane jargon about discipline, doctors, and breeding. Obviously they’re talking about eugenics – what to do with people who aren’t them – as in you. So, unless you get a dog and join them, your progeny are doomed.

The Hidden Curriculum of UCSB

UCSB only poses as being a campus which is “into sports” and merely pretends to be a “party school.” Actually, it’s a college of elite thinkers who are bent on overthrowing the U.S. government.

UCSB’s so-called sports teams are merely covers to train groups of athletic men and women who will eventually form secret militias to support their elite thinkers’ goal. How else to explain the fact that UCSB’s 20 teams have competed in NCAA Division I tournaments for 60 years yet have won only two championships! Those are definitely not “sports” teams.

Meanwhile, current faculty has won six Nobel Prizes. So, on this campus, it’s brains over brawn.

And, as for partying? Any participants in the Deltopia celebration are from out of town – all the UCSB students are in their dorm rooms studying the science of political revolution. And eating experimental pizza.