In This Election, One Thing Is True …

Once upon a time, this “law” was sung in Camelot, and in Santa Barbara:

It’s true! It’s true! The Crown has made it clear.
The climate must be perfect all the year.

This certainly explains our (mostly) good weather. The song “Camelot” is based upon several made-up laws. And, when you start making things up, you start telling lies. Lies are everywhere these days. It is exhausting to listen to so many. There are actually more lies this election than there are plans to fix State Street.

But, despite the climatological hilarity found in “Camelot”, lying is not a joke. People may believe lies, and they may make voting choices based upon them – though it is hard to believe that anyone would actually believe the lies being told during this election. To illustrate just how outrageous some lies have become, I’ve selected some of the most ridiculous from the race, and linked them to similarly ridiculous lies you (never) hear about Santa Barbara.

Note: In each of the following pairs, the first quote comes from Trump; it is presented in its original reported form and was fact-checked by me. The second quote is made up by me; it appears in its original form, and has, in fact, never been fact-checked.

• “She wants to bring back the draft, and draft your child, and put them in a war that should never have happened.”
• “Every Barbarian will be given a half-hour of training and become a member of the City Council.”

• “The transgender thing is incredible. Think of it. Your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation.”
• “No student will be allowed to graduate from any Santa Barbarian high school unless they can prove they’ve officially married their phone.”

• Then “all of a sudden” she made a “turn” and “became a Black person.”
• “One day Santa Barbara became a beach town. No one knows why, though some attribute it to being close to the ocean.”

• Harris replacing Biden was “an unconstitutional coup.”
• “McConnell’s has run out of ice cream.”

• “Every Democrat, every Republican, everybody wanted Roe v. Wade terminated and brought back to the states.”
• “In Santa Barbara, Roe versus Wade is a tough choice. But I prefer to float.” (original version attributed to Robin Williams)

• “The New York cases are totally controlled by the Department of Justice.”
• “Santa Barbarian lifeguards are armed and dangerous.”

• “People are finding out that she destroyed San Francisco, she destroyed the state of California.”
• “If you own a dog in Santa Barbara, you get to vote twice.”

• “Crime is down in Venezuela by 67% because they’re taking their gangs and their criminals and depositing them very nicely in the United States.”
• “Every Barbarian is very nice. Except Bob.”

• “If Jesus came down and was the vote counter, I would win California, okay?”
• “Santa Barbara is not actually in California. It may not even be on planet Earth. Okay?”

• “They’re eating the dogs!”
• “It’s illegal for Barbarians to consume their pets. In fact, according to law:

The rain may never fall till after sundown.
By eight, the morning fog must disappear.
In short, there’s simply not
A more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering than here
In Camelot…
And Santa Barbara.”

(Lyrics stolen from Alan Jay Lerner,
with my apologies for ruining the final scansion)