Dear Santa, I know I'm Jewish, so this might seem like a waste of time. But, I thought that if I waited until after that whole Christmas rush, I might be able to get your attention. Hey, if stores are willing to lower their prices after Christmas, you might be able to lower your religious requirements too. And, I figure that in this progressive day and age, it can't hurt to hedge my bets. I mean, look at the world we live in. Kevin Federline has a record deal, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are divorcing, and Paris Hilton has just been voted America's worst dog owner in an online poll. Yes, I've had way too much web-surfing/gossip-reading time on my hands since fall quarter ended, but that doesn't change the fact that the modern world is a crazy place. With all this madness going on, it's not too far-fetched to think you might respond to the requests of a Jewish girl looking for some love from the North Pole.
So here it goes. First of all, I want peace on Earth. I know that's a little much for you to accomplish in just one night, so I'll settle for a few little localized gifts that could go a long way toward promoting peace in our part of the world. Basically, I would love to see I.V.'s residents show more respect for each other. In the past quarter I've had unwanted strangers marauding through my backyard, ridiculously loud neighbors disrupting my 3 a.m. beauty sleep in the middle of the week, and everything from tiki torches to my car's sideview mirror stolen. I know that's the cost of living in a college town, but I don't think that it has to be that way. We're all broke college kids trying to scrape by on barely enough cash to pay for our bills and our beers and barely enough sleep to keep us from getting sick, so why can't we just leave each other's property alone and try to keep the music down after midnight during the week? Santa, if you could make I.V. residents just a little more respectful of each other's stuff and sonic space, I would be willing to wait a little while on that whole world peace thing. But just a little while.
Speaking of waiting, it's been three years since I enrolled at UCSB and there's one thing I'm still waiting on that you might be able to help me out with. First of all, I don't know if you even use the bathroom — it must be kind of difficult to take bathroom breaks with that whole red suit thing to get out of and all those toys to deliver in just one night — but believe me when I say that, when it comes to our college campus, a good bathroom is hard to find. I love that our fine university is so happy to do all sorts of things with our fees and the state's funding — we have great new buildings, bike paths, programs, and professors — but many of our bathrooms are still crap. Pun intended. So, Santa, perhaps you could put your considerable weight behind this vital cause and get us poor college kids some bathrooms with doors that close and lock, floors that aren't absolutely disgusting, and toilet paper dispensers that actually dispense toilet paper. Some suggestions for restrooms in need of renovations — the Buchanan bathrooms and the ones underneath Storke Tower. Santa, I know brand-new bathrooms won't fit under the little plastic tree my roommates put up — and they might not fit into the university's budget —but a few little renovations couldn't possibly be that hard to pull off. And you won't even have to wrap them.
Of course, these wishes are more for the greater good than for my own benefit. Which is fine with me, since you know, I'm basically a very simple girl who would much rather see others be happy than ask you for something purely selfish and superficial. But, since I've got your attention, if you have some extra time on your hands, I do have some small, little things I'd like for myself. First of all, I want a pony. And a puppy — specifically something tiny and adorable that I can take with me to lecture. I also want a video iPod, a new cell phone that doesn't require duct tape to stay together, the Alfred Hitchcock Signature Collection, tickets to this year's Coachella, a place to stay during Coachella, a landlord that will fix our leaky bathtub, everything Proenza Schouler, Zac Posen, Marc Jacobs, and Christian Dior featured on their spring 2007 runways — and the body to wear it all — and enough cash to pay off my bills and buy groceries without dipping into savings this month.
Now Santa Baby, if I may call you that, I understand that as a Jewish girl — and particularly one whose already received her Channukah presents — I might not be in such a great position to ask for all these fabulous presents. But, if there's one thing us Jewish girls understand, it's how to bargain. So how about this, I'll forgo everything in that last paragraph if you help me out with the respect and the restrooms. Because, let's face it, what would be a better way to guarantee a good new year than having nice neighbors and a decent place to pee during the day? Plus, I'll throw in some cookies. Or latkes. Whatever floats your boat, or flies your sleigh. Thanks big guy!