“It was an ordinary day. I had almost not gone to the doctor,” Santa Barbara author Nora Gallagher writes in her recently published memoir Moonlight Sonata at the Mayo Clinic. But she did go to that appointment, and her life changed. “I dropped out of the world I lived in, where I thought I knew about disease and vulnerability and death and all that, and entered another country,” she said.
In the following excerpt from Moonlight, Gallagher describes the precipitating event that led to a yearlong nightmare that included a mysterious illness, the famed Mayo Clinic, a feeble health-care system, and the shattering of her faith.
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I ignored the blur in my right eye. About two weeks later, I figured I had time, so I made an appointment with Dr. Lowe, my ophthalmologist, for December 1.
Our house is only a few blocks his office, so I walked.
I normally saw Dr. Lowe every three months for a check up of an inflammatory disorder, uveitis, an inflammation of the uvea, the jelly part of the eye. I have had this disease or disorder for over twenty years in the right eye, with inflammatory episodes occurring sometimes three times a year. An underlying cause had never been found.
I read the eye chart. No change from the last time I’d been there: 20-20 in the left and 20-25 minus 2 in the right.
They dilated my eyes. They checked the pressures. They were normal.
In about fifteen minutes, Dr. Lowe swung into his chair, asked me to put my chin on the lip of the slit lamp, to look at his right ear, and then he put his eye to the lens.
The first indication that something was wrong was the length of time it took him to speak. He’s a thorough man, I told myself, and waited. Then, Dr. Lowe, his eye still fixed at the lens said, “Darn.”
I half heard him. Half of me registered that he had never said that particular word before to me, not even when there were cells in the vitreous indicating inflammation. The other half of me was rushing around like an anxious nurse, smoothing the bedcovers, restraining the patient, trying to make everything normal.
He switched to the left eye, made a careful examination then pushed the instrument aside. He said, carefully: “You have an inflamed optic nerve.”
What I knew then about optic nerves you could have put in a stamp box, but the tone was the kind you don’t want to hear from a doctor. The events that followed are all shoved together in my memory, some of them collapsed and bunched and some stretched out, the first indication that I had entered another geography where the ordinary rules (gravity, time) did not apply. I can’t retrieve a normal sense of the day. I must have asked him what he meant and he said, “Just a second. We need to take some pictures.”
He left the room for a few minutes and I sat in the large examining chair while my mind attempted to grasp the words. But my mind, as it turned out, was not capable of actually “grasping” what had happened.
Dr. Lowe called to the nurse, “let’s get a visual field test and some pictures.” Then he asked me, “Who is the rheumatoid doctor you are seeing?”
I told him Dr. Burks. (A young, slender woman. When we were done with my exam, we talked about clothes.) Dr. Lowe said he was going to page her. “You need some,” this phrase jolted me, “intravenous steroids.”
I walked down the hallway and into another room where I sat in front of a large box, put my chin on (another) platform for the visual field test. The nurse handed me a clicker. I was to stare straight ahead at a light while other, smaller lights went off at random in the field, like stars in a tiny universe. I clicked whenever I saw one.
I saw the dark patches on the sheet as it fed out of the machine. Very dark blotches on the lower right of the right eye. A blotch at the upper right. A stain near but not in the center. Dark areas near my nose. These were the areas where the lights had gone off and I had not seen them, the first test to verify damage in the peripheral vision. Dr. Lowe walked into the room and read the results. He said (practiced, gentle): “Do you understand that this damage is permanent?”
“No,” I said.
I walked down the hallway to the photo room with the fluorescein machine. The nurse put an IV in my arm, released the dye into my vein; then Dr. Lowe snapped photos as the dye entered my veins. He showed me the photos of the nerve. A stalk with a head, partly flared out. Like a dandelion, I thought, part of it had gone to seed.
He left me there for a minute or two, returned and said, “I can’t seem to reach Dr. Burks,” he said. “Do you know where her office is?” His tone was urgent.
“Yes,” I said.