Going Brazillian

Or, When I Got My Nether Region Waxed

by Shannon Kelley Gould

“Some people say getting a Brazilian is more painful than giving
birth,” said my torturer, I mean aesthetician, pulling my skin taut
before tearing the first of entirely too many hot-wax-affixed cloth
strips off my bikini zone. She let it rip before telling me,
“They’re wrong.”

Ah yes, the Brazilian bikini wax. One for the “Crazy Things We
Do in the Name of Beauty” file, and, in my editor’s opinion,
anyway, one for the “Crazy Things Shannon Should Do in the Name of
an Interesting Story” file. When the suggestion first arose
regarding me writing about going Brazilian, I spent a considerable
amount of time in deliberation. While one thing I’ve always had
going for me is my willingness to try anything once, getting a
Brazilian — and writing about it — falls into a category of its
own. Pain (no small matter) aside, there’s also the minor
consideration of publishing the fact of what I’ve done. Public
humiliation has never served as an insurmountable deterrent for me,
but while, like many writers, I often take comfort in the
assumption that no one actually reads what I write, this time I
couldn’t shake the feeling that once this issue of The
Indy
hit the stands, everyone would be staring at my crotch.
But enough about my personal issues. Let’s get back to … my
crotch.

For those of you who don’t know, a Brazilian bikini wax can be
described as an artificially rendered return of your pelvic region
to its pre-pubescent state. Bald. Why is it called a Brazilian?
Brazilian bikinis typically involve less fabric than a band-aid,
so, hence the Brazilian bikini wax. And in this capacity, it serves
its purpose. But, function aside, what is it good for? And why is
it considered hot? Does it have to do with our culture’s pathetic
obsession with youth, or perhaps the unattainable, unnatural
physical ideal?

More importantly, how much does it hurt? If you’ve had your
eyebrows, lip, or legs waxed, you likely have some idea of the pain
involved. Just as, I’d assume, if you’ve had your ears pierced, you
likely have some idea of the pain involved in getting your nipples
done. Which is to say, you really have no idea at all. As it is in
real estate, so it is in pain: Location, location, location makes
all the difference. The sensitive areas on our bodies are always
more sensitive, not just when it’s convenient. You connect the
dots, or the hair follicles, as the case may be. Waxers recommend
popping a couple Advil an hour or so before; having taken that
(laughable) advice, I’d recommend tequila. Breathing deeply helped
as much as would be expected (not much), although yelling
“Yahoooooo!” at the top of my lungs after each removal was
surprisingly effective in terms of pain management and sanity
preservation.

Moving on: humiliation. Even if you’re not going to write about
your experience, you’ve still gotta drop trou to get it done. And
it’s not like a massage, when, although you may be naked, the
masseuse artfully manipulates the thin, modesty-protecting sheet in
such a way as to allow both of you to pretend that you’re not. In
the case of the Brazilian, not only are you naked from the waist
down, but your aesthetician will maneuver your limbs into positions
for which the Kama Sutra has names, like the Blossoming Flower or
the Octopus. Oh, she’ll pretend like nothing is amiss, but you’ll
know better. And if your mind has somehow managed to find your
happy place, once that first strip is yanked off, you’ll be pulled
back to earth faster than you can scream, “For the love of god,
stop hurting me!

Ultimately, once it’s over there’s a decent endorphin rush to
look forward to. After the searing pain and the spots I was seeing
subsided, looking down, I did a double-take. I didn’t recognize
myself. That feeling lasts well beyond the throbbing; prepare to be
surprised every time you go to the bathroom, take a shower, or are
otherwise compelled to get naked. The bottom line is this: if you
have a very high pain threshold, a very underdeveloped sense of
modesty, and a very skimpy bikini, give the Brazilian a shot.
Though you’ll have nothing — literally — to show for it, the pain
is over pretty quickly, and the results last for several weeks. But
getting there is decidedly not half the fun.

Tips for the Brave and the Foolish

o Come to the procedure freshly showered.

o Hair must be at least ¼-inch long.

o Take Advil an hour or so before the “service.”

o Go during your off-cycle: when you’re not ovulating or in the
week prior to your period (when there is swelling in the tissues,
which causes increased pain sensitivity).

o Don’t do it if you take Accutane or a generic form of the same
drug.

o The first time is the worst: It’s claimed that future waxes
are one-third as painful as the first.

o It’s not recommended to engage in sexual activity for 24 hours
after the wax.

o Don’t go into the ocean, Jacuzzis, or swimming pools for the
first 24 hours, because infection can occur.

o Switching between shaving and waxing can cause ingrown hairs
and increased skin sensitivity.

o Use an ingrown hair prevention gel to avoid red bumps on
freshly waxed skin.

o Gyno-Cort, available at the drugstore, contains cortisone to
reduce pain or swelling immediately post-treatment.

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