The Celestial Sexpot’s Handbook
by Shannon Kelley Gould
“What’s your sign?” may have outlived its usefulness as a clever
pickup line, but self-proclaimed astrosexologist Kiki T. believes
the best way to seduce a man (or dispose of him) is written in the
stars. Smitten with a Scorpio? “Call him on one of his many sexual
innuendos … whipping back a dose of sexual banter filled with 10
times more smut.” Peeved by a Pisces? “Show no depth of emotion or
any shred of compassion. Like, laugh at all the bad things on the
news.” Kiki’s book, The Celestial Sexpot’s Handbook,
recently was bestowed upon me by my editor, and though I initially
had a good laugh, within minutes I was in it up to my erogenous
zone. All who made the mistake of entering my office that day were
greeted with my urgent, giddy demand for birthdates, and then
treated to their uncensored sexual synopses. In a nutshell, it went
something like this: Aquarius? Pervert! Leo? Control freak!
Capricorn? King of kink! (While I’d like to stress that I’m not
intimately versed in the sexual proclivities of all my coworkers,
judging by the amount of blushing cheeks going around, I’d say Kiki
T. might be onto something.)
If it sounds ridiculous, be warned: It gets worse, or better,
depending on your opinion — or, maybe, your sign. From pickup line
to boudoir, Kiki T., astrologist for Jane and
PlayGirl magazines, outlines what you can expect for the
entire relationship trajectory based on when the object of your
desire — or disgust — was born. She reveals how to spot him and
catch his eye, how best to woo him with food, movies, or music, and
what characters are most inclined to get him off in a raunchy game
of role-playing — Papa Bear and Goldilocks, anyone? (If you’re an
Aries, apparently, this scenario is just right.) She also tells
readers how to earn (or destroy) his trust, inspire his fear, and
how to determine when he’s over you, or how to “rid yourself of him
with minimal scarring.” Kiki pulls no punches, identifying which
signs are bound to be the most generous or creative lovers, which
are more likely to be one-trick ponies, and which need a shower and
fresh sheets on the bed before they’ll even consider getting busy.
(Mr. Clean? Definitely a Virgo.)
I confess, I looked up my husband’s and every ex-boyfriend whose
sign I could recall, comparing my memories with Kiki’s take, and
harsh as she is, there are definite nuggets of truthiness to be
found. But still, I was skeptical. Can the reality of our romantic
selves really be revealed in our birth charts? Though the book is
written about men for women, I figured the true test would be to
read up on myself, a Gemini. I steeled myself for the inevitable
barrage of insults and dove in. The brief intro to my chapter was
less than flattering: “Sharply dressed man-child with ambiguous
sexual tendencies loaded with charisma and commitment issues.
Twitches with a nervous energy and appears when gossip is spoken.”
Sharply dressed and charismatic I can deal with; a gossipy,
twitching, androgynous commitment-phobe, however, I can do without.
As it went on, though, I recognized more and more of myself.
“Patience is not his virtue and indecisiveness his craft.” Well,
duh. But I take exception to her advice about how to get me over a
bout of anger. “Give him candy and/or tickle him. The same things
that would work at quelling a toddler usually work on a Gemini,
too.” So apparently, Kiki T. thinks I’m immature. Ha! And in
response, I have only one thing to say: I know you are, but what am
Aries: Born March 21 - April 19 Fast-talking
narcissist with a penchant for playing devil’s advocate. Favorite
word: “me.” Does not register the word “no,” or much of what anyone
else has to say.
Taurus: Born April 20 - May 22 Couch-bound
sensualist with slow reaction time. Chronically averse to change
and most likely found where you last left him. Gets erect from the
scent of fried chicken.
Gemini: Born May 23 - June 20 Sharply dressed
man-child with ambiguous sexual tendencies loaded with charisma and
commitment issues. Twitches with a nervous energy and appears when
gossip is spoken.
Cancer: Born June 21 - July 22 Seductive
sourpuss with a tendency to camouflage himself into the background.
Likes to assume invisibility and then sulk about no one noticing
him. Has a signature pout and lures you in to ignore you.
Leo: Born July 23 - August 21 Chivalrous
spendthrift with a megawatt smile known to blind onlookers to his
egotistically controlling clutches. Turn on a spotlight and he will
Virgo: Born August 22 - September 22 Prissy
know-it-all who communicates with condescension. Has a clean scent
that can be tracked for miles. Possesses enviable bone structure
and eyelashes, but he won’t know what to do with them.
Libra: Born September 23 - October 22 Attractive
charmer with an effectively evasive way of conversing. Tends to be
fashionably styled and highly creative; responsibility and
punctuality not included. Will attach to your hip easily.
Scorpio: Born October 23 - November 21 Master
manipulator with a starry gaze that can transfix objects directly
to its genitals. When provoked, its poison sting will cause
Sagittarius: Born November 22 - December 21
Spastic, pop-eyed, idealistic wild-child on a constant hunt for a
catharsis. Speaks as if he’s on a pulpit, with or without an
audience. Always open to suggestions, but never about taking
Capricorn: Born December 22 - January 20 A
calculating and cold grumpus with a steely sex appeal that seeps
out slowly behind his diabolical stare. Has a fondness for rules
and regulations and will respond to the name “Boss.”
Aquarius: Born January 21 - February 20
Friendly faced android excited by buttons and bright lights. Not
necessarily operating in Earth’s time zone or dimension, but will
come back in time for dinner.
Pisces: Born February 21 - March 20 Pretty boy
with a penchant for self-destructive nirvana. Beware, he can play
victim at will; be cautious when you submit your defenses and