Ever since I came back from Europe, I’ve been working my ass off trying to get caught up on work and freelance obligations, while spending an excessive amount of time and effort (that I don’t have) emailing, texting, and phoning my estranged BF. It’s not that I don’t want him to have fun on his travels in the Mediterranean. For all I care, he can eat truffles, drink grappa, and party ’til he goes cross-eyed. I just never knew that staying in touch would be this much work!

The time difference makes it virtually impossible to reach one another while we’re both 1) awake, 2) not working, and 3) not surrounded by a whole bunch of friends. And right now, connecting emotionally is about as easy as getting through airport security with an uzi in your handbag. It’s basically impossible for me to feign interest when – at 11p.m. his time, 2 p.m. here – he calls with a slurred voice and phone sex on his mind and I’m still at work, preparing for a fairly important meeting with my VP.

I miss him like crazy and it’s both cold and lonely – not to mention boring as hell – sleeping alone every night. That’s probably why I’m tripping out right now and I know it’s not fair. The Biker has been more than pro-active about staying in touch and calls me every chance he gets. Still, I can’t help but wonder if relationships are really supposed to be this much work?

Then again, I guess everything in life is work; even the most perfect liaison has its kinks and quirks. Take my GF Dana, for instance. She’s still dating The Doctor from the speed-dating event we attended four months ago. They’re super cute together, equally outdoorsy and practically inseparable at this point in the courtship. There’s just one thing:

The other day they were out riding their bikes by East Beach when she put her hand on his – umm – very lower back. He immediately told her, “stop that, my patients might see me!” It seemed like an overreaction, especially since she wasn’t really trying to fondle – or even kiss – him. Add to that the fact that it was 7 a.m. The incident made my GF realize that because of his strict catholic up-bringing any PDA is strictly off-limits. Ouch!

Not that Dana is usually the kind of person to engage in broad-daylight tonsil-hockey, but she thinks that some displays of affection should be permissible outside the home. Not so much with this chap.

It may not seem like a big deal, but being in a brand-spanking-new relationship myself, I can see how it would be a bit of a wet towel if your guy pulled away when you tried to, innocently, touch him. I mean, we’re not talking full-fledged make-out mode, like some juicy scene from The Girl Next Door But, this is the pre-honey-moon-stage for chrissake – he’s supposed to be over-the-moon whenever and wherever you touch him!

So, if you can’t find a person who has all the things you are looking for in one neatly wrapped package tied with a big red bow, it maybe it’s time to dish out an order of serial monogamy – extra hot!

I already mentioned in my last column how I think the “soul-mate myth” is highly conflated. It’s simply not logical to me that there’s only one person out there who’s pre-destined to be with you. Like a missing piece in a puzzle, or a needle in a haystack. Sorry folks, I just don’t buy it. There are millions of smart, funny, and attractive people in Southern California alone. There are people get divorced and re-married all the time. Correct me if that doesn’t mean that we have more than one shot at meeting and mating a partner in this lifetime.

So, is life-long monogamy really natural, or are we just afraid that we’ll end up old and alone if we don’t find that “special someone” to keep us warm at night?

What do you think?

According to this goofy Jake wanna-be, monogamy in any shape or size is rather unnatural – and darn hard to abide by. I encourage you to go check out his ‘election program’ and vote for the next Jake while you’re at it!

Thanks, and see you next week!



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