Crossing the Cold Spring Canyon Bridge the other day, my thoughts turned to suicide. Not mine, of course, but the self-inflicted demise chose by many jumpers over the past years. Notwithstanding sage advice from pros such as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and Dr. Phil, some people will always seek closure in this manner.

You citizens who truly care bout dissuading hapless victims from committing their final act using our bridge: I suggest we petition the county to pass an ordinance which would require despondent souls to purchase a permit to leap prior to their lofty vault.

Yet another regressive tax imposed by our ravenous county supervisors might have the desired effect of forcing an unanticipated economic burden on the jumper, which could forestall their intended flight plans. The county could even mandate electronic permit filing, thereby levying the additional technology fees.

Ah, the genius of American governmental design.

For those of you with religious or metaphysical scruples, the income derived from the issuance of the permits (after administrative costs, naturally) could be used to host a simply splendiferous tea party, complete with a plenitude of non-diver survivors.


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