The Chain Saw Wedding 

But No Shotgun: All the fuss over the noisy Kardashian nuptials reminds me of a far smaller Montecito wedding a few years ago. The neighbors, infuriated by still another high-decibel rent-an-estate bash, dangled a rip-roaring chain saw over the wall just as the parson was joining the couple in the state of holy deadlock — I mean wedlock.

(I don’t recommend that you try this at home, or anywhere else.)

K-Noisefest: A Montecito woman was on the phone, raging at the Kardashian noisefest-moneywedding. And can you believe it, she went on, there was Sheriff Bill Brown, a genuwine invited guest in a tux, not crashing in uniform, and not lifting a baton to stop the racket. Who knows how many county codes were stomped to death on the dance floor, she wondered? So if the $20-million socialite wedding harvests $100 million, as rumored, as a TV special (these people do nothing unless there’s a payoff, not even get married), maybe the county should sue for a cut of the action.

Once upon a time, I had a Danish girlfriend who claimed that the tolerant Danes usually didn’t embrace the state of matrimony until after the third child. Another Danish quip was to describe an unmarried couple sharing a bed as “living in the Polish way.” The Poles no doubt had similar jokes about the Danes.

Wacky Titles: Folks at Planned Parenthood have come across some weird and wacky titles among donations for their annual book sale, today, September 22, through October 2 at Earl Warren Showgrounds:

• Clean & Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom and the Water-Closet

• Practicing Plant Parenthood

• How to Raise a Jewish Do.

• Scary Nuns: Sisters at Work and at Play

• My Parents Never Had Sex

• 100 Things to Do Before You’re Old and Boring

• Sexually, I’m More of a Switzerland

• Washed Up: The Curious Journeys of Flotsam and Jetsam

• Men Who Knit & the Dogs Who Love Them

Opening-night reception 5-9 p.m., $25. Free after that. Info at 963-2445 x4.

Sheila Snubs Demos: Ex-mayor of Santa Barbara Sheila Lodge, a lifelong Democrat, turned her back on three Demo-endorsed City Council candidates Tuesday and came out for the three conservative incumbents. Why? Density. Her dad was a staunch union man, but she also took a crack at city police and fire unions. Standing in front of City Hall, she endorsed Dale Francisco, Michael Self, and Randy Rowse, rather than Demo-backed Iya Falcone, Cathy Murillo, and Deborah Schwartz.

Cars & Coffee: Every Sunday morning, roughly 8-10 a.m., a freelance bunch of auto buffs line their steeds up at the curb in mid-block Coast Village Road. Folks gather to grab a cup of java at a coffee shop and wander around admiring a wonderful range of cars, from T-Birds to whatever the morning brings, classics, sports cars, or what-have-you. It’s low-key and owners are happy to chat. It’s called Cars & Coffee, info at SBCarsCoffee@gmail.com.

Cheater Alley: Every afternoon, traffic lines up on East Cabrillo Boulevard, heading out of town. And every afternoon, as most drivers patiently wait, cheaters race around the lane leading past the Santa Barbara Cemetery and cut in line. On the other side of the overpass, as traffic is still backed up on Coast Village Road, cheaters zoom along the business frontage road and (you guessed it) cut in line. What some are wondering: Have Santa Barbara civic manners gone to pot or are these rude Ventura County folks who are here just to make a buck and don’t give a damn? (The Cars & Coffee bunch would never dream of being so beastly.)

Sylvia: She’s a dog and star of the delightful play of the same name, now on the boards at the Circle Bar B Ranch Dinner Theatre. Sylvia features the romping, rubber-faced Tiffany Story as the lovable but marriage-threatening pooch. I’ve seen it before and enjoyed it even more this time — having forgotten author’s A.R. Gurney’s surprise ending. Rounding out the cast are Susie Couch, Brian Harwell, and Rodney Baker. Through October 30.

Masked Music: Adrian Spence, who founded Santa Barbara’s Camerata Pacifica chamber music group, is always challenging his devoted audience by breaking away from the Three B’s (Brahms, Beethoven, and Bach) routine. Last Friday it was George Crumb’s Vox Balaenae, in which three musicians, including flutist Spence, donned masks, amplified their instruments, and played under blue lights. Local writer Joan Tapper’s Q&A with Spence appears in the current issue of The Economist.