Poodle Applies Doughnut Test to Economy

OVER THE TRANSOM:  It was one of those tips upon which the Fourth Estate — or is that the Fifth Column? — depends. I, as a so-called “Man of the People,” should know, I was told, that the price of single doughnuts, at least as sold by Albertsons in Goleta, had just skyrocketed from 99 cents to $1.29. “Corporate Grocery America is on the move,” my tipster warned. 

Naturally, I was outraged.

Yes, it’s part of my job description to be outraged. And by everything. But my love of doughnuts is genuine. It’s not some faux-everyman contrivance that reporters — even in froufrou, chichi towns like Santa Barbara — are expected to affect. I know the women — and a few guys, too — behind the counters at Spudnuts; they are living saints. The women at Eller’s on Milpas were assumed up into heaven long ago for all their irreparable kindnesses. And the plain, basic, no-frills fry-cake doughnut sold at Anna’s in Goleta is the gold standard by which perfection is measured.

It’s enough to make you weep.

Naturally, I thanked the tipster for alerting me to yet another creeping crisis: doughnut inflation. Joe Biden, I thundered back, must be held accountable. Clearly, it was all his fault. My mind boggled at the intersectionality of all the inequities. Heads must roll. 

I then did what all reporters do: I bit the hand attempting to feed me. I denounced the tipster. And honorably so — to his face. Anyone buying a doughnut from Albertsons was not to be trusted to buy doughnuts anywhere. He probably shouldn’t be allowed to drive a car either, I harrumphed.

I felt better. That’s all that mattered.

Such “man-in-the-street” anecdotal, pseudo-folk, gut wisdom has grown increasingly problematic. It’s why Joe Biden might lose and the Great Golem might get elected. Don’t get me wrong. I affirmatively like Joe Biden. What he has managed to accomplish is genuinely amazing. Maybe even staggeringly so. But yes, he is old. His crime is that he seems even older. No, he doesn’t quite dodder, but he comes too close. And then there’s the whole mojo thing. He has none. Zero. His mojo is a no-show. Trump, by contrast, is mojo on Viagra. Or maybe he’s just all Viagra. But if it comes to a choice between the psychopath and the senile, I’ll take the senile any day.

But it’s not.

So let’s get back to this scandalous increase in the price of doughnuts. You can pay 30 cents more for an outrageously dry doughnut that has been sitting in a box for God knows how long, or you can pay a little more and select a delicious, fresh doughnut from a real doughnut shop. 

It’s a lot like choosing between a psychopath on Viagra or an old dodder like Biden. I’ll take Biden.

His unsexily named Bipartisan Infrastructure Law has dumped a trillion dollars into fixing roads, bridges, and all the other useful things that are now falling apart across the country. Then there’s the other trillion-dollar spending bill he managed to get passed — the sublimely un-euphonious Inflation Reduction Act — which combines pork-barrel politics and tons of jobs with green energy projects that might actually move the needle when it comes to climate change. 

Each of these bills qualifies as career capstones. Together, they’re mind-boggling. But, unfortunately, they’re so gargantuan as to be incomprehensible. This translates into boring.

Last I looked — about a year ago, admittedly — I think Santa Barbara County was getting $500 million from the federal infrastructure bill. Half a billion here, half a billion there; pretty soon we’re talking real money. Or, to twist a line from JFK, “Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what your country can do for you.” It’s like Joe Biden has become the new Ed McMahon delivering oversized Prize Patrol checks to neighbors near you every day. 

Yet we’re convinced — at least according to polls — that Biden’s bad for the economy. Think about the $2 trillion in COVID relief funds he unleashed nationally. About $1 billion of that made it into Santa Barbara County in one form or the next. Think how many tenants did not face eviction — and how many landlords got paid their rent — because of the $16 million in federal relief funds sent to Santa Barbara County. Or the $2 million in assistance to the Foodbank. Or the $25 million in homeless relief funds the county got. Yes, we still have lots of homeless people, but in Santa Barbara, the numbers have gone slightly down. However incrementally, the needle is getting moved. 

All told, about $87 million in federal emergency relief funds flowed in and out of Santa Barbara County government alone. Without all that, we’d all be looking at some serious dark times. 

Not bad for a wobbly old geezer who stutters. 

The disconnect between perception and reality has achieved Grand Canyon–esque dimensions when it comes to Biden and the economy. No, he is not spellbinding. But Joe Biden has a heart. And he’s a consummate pro, maybe even a virtuoso. Inflation is down. Jobs are up. Real wages are up. The stock market is, well, orgasmic.

According to the economists, these things simply can’t happen at the same time. It’s a law of physics. Yet they are. 

For the time being, I’ll take it. 

In the meantime, shut up and eat a doughnut. But be sure you go to Spudnuts, Eller’s, or Anna’s. You’ll be glad you did.