Our names are, well, unpronounceable in your language, so just call us “Fred” and “Ethel.” We come from a solar system that you’ve never heard of, in a galaxy far, far away.
A few days ago, we crashed our Hyperion 3000-JJ Transporter — what you single-planeters apparently call a flying saucer or, even more offensive, a UFO — into the shoreline of your town. Luckily, it was a soft, sandy landing, so we survived. But Santa Barbara wasn’t our intended destination.
No, after entering the atmosphere near something called the “Space Needle” (not even close!), we zipped down the coastline in search of this magical place called Hollywood. Apparently, they’re welcoming to beings of all shapes, colors, and backgrounds, and they might even put you in the movies!
However, while starting our descent, we clipped a big orange bridge at the mouth of a large bay and started hurling down right toward your town.
Rather than fret over our dashed celluloid dreams, we decided to make the best of it and enjoy what appeared to be a very lovely place. The mountains, the beach, the shopping, the Funk Zone (do you sell any of those to go?) — you folks have got it all. So we hit State Street in search of clues about which places to spend our Bitcoin.
Lo and behold, we found this Best Of Santa Barbara® guide. What a treat!
In no time, we were scarfing down bacon charburgers at The Habit, guzzling cocktails at Joe’s, and speaking to Airport Motors about getting the Hyperion back in working order.
But you know what? While it certainly ain’t Hollywood, this little city of yours is pretty sweet. So we’re gonna stay put, at least until we hit every one of this year’s winners.
And if you spot us cruising Butterfly Beach at sunset, camping at El Capitán State Beach, or sipping on a sour beer at Lama Dog, be sure to say hi. You’ll never guess what we have on this Trump dude.