ELECTION INTERJECTION: Greetings, fellow Santa Barbarans — along with any Russians fleeing President Vlad (the Impaler) Putin, Texans, and Martians.
As you may know, our upcoming city election will test whether democracy will prevail. It is therefore vital that you go to the polls on Monday, November 2, and cast your ballots.
(Editor: Actually, it’s Tuesday, November 3, and it’s a mail-in election. There are no polling places. Besides, only city residents are eligible to vote, although Martians may cast provisional ballots if they bring 10,000 acre-feet of water apiece.)
As you know, the city has now been divided into six districts. Study the merits of all City Council candidates and vote for the six you prefer.
(Editor: Actually there are elections in only three of the six districts this year.)
You call that democracy?
(Editor: The other three districts will hold elections in November 2017.)
What about the mayor? Did some idiot forget about electing a mayor?
(Editor: No, no one forgot. A mayoral election will also be held in November 2017.)
Furthermore, under the principles of Open Carry, Stand Your Ground, and Protect Your Home, I support the ballot measure involving annexation of Vandenberg Air Force Base. There’s enough firepower there to annihilate every living thing on Earth several times over (outside Santa Barbara County). Let Putin dare mess with us.
(Editor: The City of Santa Barbara doesn’t have the legal right to annex Vandenberg. Besides, it’s not on the ballot. By the way, who would be manning the base if all the technicians were transferred out?)
On any given day, downtown Santa Barbara is full of L.A. tourists sitting around sipping decaf soy lattes. About half look fairly smart. How hard would it be to train them to push a few buttons?
(Editor: Harder than you think.)
It’s outrageous that the city has a severe water shortage. While we wait for desal, why not put our state water allotment to use? It’s costing the city millions, and we don’t have it.
(Editor: Apparently you haven’t been reading the paper. A couple of decades ago, some snake oil salesmen talked the city into signing up for state water, even though smart people warned that in case of drought the water wouldn’t be here when we needed it but we’d still have to pay the bill for empty pipes. That’s exactly what happened.)
Then buy some from Montecito.
(Editor: It’s in the same boat. The snake oil salesmen got to them, too.)
Fellow Santa Barbarans, do you realize that all the water we can possibly use is locked up in Alaskan glaciers? Glaciers float. The solution to our problem is being wasted in the north. Every day huge chunks fall off those glaciers. It would be simple to tow them to Santa Barbara, hack them up, and drag the hunks to the Andrée Clark Bird Refuge. Then pipe the water over to the city water plant. Simple.
(Editor: San Francisco would steal it on the way down.)
Another thing: I just learned that the University of California at Santa Barbara is actually not in the City of Santa Barbara. Who knew? The only honest thing to do would be to annex the campus, just as we did with the airport.
(Editor: Actually, the state banned that kind of sneaky annex-by-sea. If you insist on pure honesty, the campus should be renamed the University of California at Goleta. And the Santa Barbara Municipal Airport, miles away from City Hall, should be renamed the Goleta Airport.)
Wait. That’s going too far.
(Editor: The editor in chief of The Independent would like to speak with you in her office. Clean out your desk, and bring all your belongings.)
BLOOD AND GUTS: In one of the most powerful productions in the annals of area theater, Ensemble Theatre Company is staging Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. Brilliantly directed by Jonathan Fox with music and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim, it’s a musical thriller, with bodies galore. They kept coming as I watched. (Through Oct. 25.)
CAMERATA: On a far more genteel note, Camerata Pacifica on Friday featured cellist Ani Aznavoorian in a Hahn Hall concert winding up with Bedřich Smetana’s knockout Trio in G Minor.