Understanding Attachment Styles and How They Shape Our Relationships

The Way We Attach to Others Says a Lot About How We've Been Taught to Love and Be Loved

"How we attach to others can profoundly impact our connections, communication, and conflict resolution in romantic relationships and beyond," writes Rebecca Capps. | Photo: Courtesy

Attachment styles and their roles in our relationships have become widely discussed in psychological research and personal growth journeys. This growing interest makes perfect sense: How we attach to others can profoundly impact our connections, communication, and conflict resolution in romantic relationships and beyond.

While attachment styles develop early in life and often remain relatively stable, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness and intentional healing, it’s possible to shift toward a more secure style of relating. The first step? Understanding how insecure attachment forms — and how it shows up in our adult relationships.

Why Do I Keep Repeating the Same Patterns?

Have you ever wondered why you keep ending up in emotionally complex or unsatisfying relationships — even when the people involved are different? Maybe you notice yourself feeling overly jealous or clingy. Or perhaps you tend to pull away when a relationship feels too emotionally close.

If any of this resonates, exploring your attachment style may be worth exploring. Learning about attachment theory can be a powerful way to uncover hidden patterns in connecting with others — and to begin identifying practical steps to interrupt those cycles.

“Culture can play a significant role in shaping attachment styles and relational dynamics,” writes Rebecca Capps | Photo: Courtesy

But what if you’re unsure which style describes you? Many people struggle to recognize their own attachment tendencies, especially if their upbringing included mixed signals or emotional neglect. Journaling about past relationships, taking therapist-informed attachment style assessments, or reflecting on common emotional triggers can help uncover your unique patterns.

The Roots: How Attachment Styles Form in Childhood

Psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby — one of the founders of attachment theory — believed that our earliest relationships with primary caregivers shape how we relate to others throughout life. These early bonds form a “blueprint” for adult relationships — including romantic partnerships, friendships, and even workplace dynamics.

Attachment patterns begin in early childhood, primarily based on how consistently and sensitively our caregivers respond to our physical and emotional needs. Children who experience caregivers as emotionally available, attuned, and nurturing are more likely to develop secure attachment. However, if caregivers are emotionally inconsistent, unavailable, neglectful, or intrusive — even unintentionally — a child may form an insecure attachment style.

It’s important to note that attachment exists on a spectrum. Most people don’t fall 100 percent into one category, and traits may shift depending on life experiences, cultural context, and relationships.

Cultural Influences on Attachment

Culture can also play a significant role in shaping attachment styles and relational dynamics. For example, some cultures emphasize interdependence and community over individual emotional expression, which impacts how people view relationships. Understanding your cultural background and family norms can offer valuable insight into why you relate the way you do — and help reduce any self-judgment as you explore new ways of connecting.

The Four Attachment Styles in Adulthood

1. Anxious / Preoccupied

People with an anxious attachment style often have a negative self-image and a positive view of others. They may idealize their partners and fear abandonment or rejection. Craving closeness and constant reassurance, they may appear clingy, overly sensitive to relationship dynamics, or easily triggered by perceived distance or disinterest.

Because they view themselves as less worthy of love, they often seek external validation and may become preoccupied with the relationship, hyper-analyzing interactions for signs of rejection.

2. Avoidant / Dismissive

Avoidantly attached adults typically see themselves positively but are skeptical or dismissive of others. They value independence and emotional self-sufficiency and may find intimacy uncomfortable or threatening.

These individuals often suppress their emotional needs and keep others at arm’s length — especially when someone tries to get too close. Emotional vulnerability might feel unsafe or unnecessary, thus causing them to avoid or freeze in emotionally charged situations.

3. Disorganized / Fearful-Avoidant

This style is a combination of both anxious and avoidant traits and is often rooted in early trauma or inconsistent caregiving. Adults with disorganized attachment often experience inner conflict: They desire closeness but also fear it. As a result, their relational behavior can be unpredictable — vacillating between pursuit and withdrawal.

They may struggle with trust, emotional regulation, and fear of abandonment, making it hard to form secure and stable relationships.

“It’s important to note that attachment exists on a spectrum,” writes Rebecca Capps. | Photo: Courtesy

4. Secure

Folks with a secure attachment style are generally comfortable with emotional closeness and trusting others. They can openly express their feelings, give and receive support, and handle conflict without becoming overwhelmed.

Securely attached people tend to have a favorable view of themselves and others. While they enjoy closeness, they’re also comfortable being on their own. They don’t rely on relationships to validate their worth — but instead bring emotional health and balance to their connections.

Where Do You See Yourself?

Now that you’ve explored the four attachment styles, you may recognize patterns from one or more in your own relationships. It’s common to identify with multiple styles — especially if different relationships or life events have influenced how you connect with others.

For example, someone with an insecure attachment style may grow more secure over time, especially with a securely attached partner, therapy, or intentional personal work. Conversely, someone who once felt secure may develop anxious or avoidant behaviors after experiencing trauma or loss.

“Folks with a secure attachment style are generally comfortable with emotional closeness and trusting others,” writes Rebecca Capps | Photo: Courtesy

Can You Shift Your Attachment Style?

Yes — change is possible! Developing a more secure attachment style involves self-awareness and consistent practice. Here are just a few steps that can begin to support this shift:

Identify your patterns. Journaling, therapy, or working with attachment-focused resources can help you better understand your go-to reactions.
Develop emotional regulation tools. Mindfulness and somatic practices can help calm the nervous system and reduce emotional reactivity.
Build trusting, safe relationships. Healthy connections offer a space to practice secure behaviors, whether with a friend, therapist, or partner.
Challenge limiting beliefs. Insecure attachment often comes with ingrained stories like “I’m not lovable” or “People always leave.” Actively reframing these narratives is key.
Set and maintain healthy boundaries. Learning how to say yes and no authentically builds self-trust and healthier dynamics.
Consider cultural and family dynamics. Reflecting on how your upbringing and environment shaped your view of connection can deepen your healing journey.

When Should You Be Concerned?

It’s completely normal not to feel perfectly secure all the time. Most people carry a blend of attachment traits — and it’s the intensity and persistence of these patterns that matter.

If you observe recurring issues such as anxiety, distress, or relational instability that you suspect could stem from attachment wounds, it may be time to explore these patterns. Left unaddressed, insecure attachment styles can contribute to more depression, anxiety, and interpersonal challenges.

But here’s the good news: Healing is possible.

You’re not “stuck” with your current attachment style. Through therapy, education, and consistent self-reflection, many people are able to move toward greater emotional security and develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Conclusion

Attachment wounds can run deep — but they’re not permanent. You can develop a more secure way of relating through understanding, inner work, and relationship support. Learning how you attach is the first step toward building the kind of love and connection you truly deserve.

References

Attachment Style Quiz – The Attachment Project. A free, research-based tool to explore your attachment patterns and potential paths toward healing.

Bowlby, J. (1969).* Attachment and Loss: Volume I. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

Note: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. If you are struggling, please seek help from a licensed therapist or contact emergency services.

Rebecca Capps, LMFT, is the CEO of Mind-Body Thrive. *Note: The information provided is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice.