If Washington Made Movies

Rio Bravo: John Wayne and Dean Martin deal out six-gun justice, save taxpayers billions by cutting Trump border wall from budget. Trump sends wall bill to Mexico City by Pony Express.

Meet Me at the Lincoln Memorial: Judy Garland explains Emancipation Proclamation to a president, who calls it “fake.”

Creature from the D.C. Tidal Basin: Scientists discover U.S. Constitution hidden in underwater cave; lawmakers are shocked at contents.

Battle of the Bulge: Santa Barbara County officials bust the budget with $110 million garbage goof.

Tora! Tora! Tora! Japanese refuse to finance U.S. government deficit; Trump negotiates with emperor at Midway Island. Marines land.

Twelve O’Clock High: White House interns light up at noon to celebrate D.C. medical marijuana bill.

To Have and Have Not: Hemingway-type president beds down in White House and Florida while wife lives in Manhattan in domestic experiment at the cost of taxpayer millions. They have, the taxpayers have not. President ends movie by going golfing.

Thirty Seconds Over Moscow: President Trump pays half-minute goodwill visit to Russ. President Vladimir Putin while flying over the city at high altitude.

Months of Living Dangerously: An American president’s First 100 Days and nights in office.

I Walked with a Zombie: President Trump cozies up to Philippine killer President Rodrigo Duterte. Invites him to White House despite deaths of thousands in drug crackdown.

Alibi Donald: A U.S. president amusingly covers up goofs with stunning denials. The world guffaws.

Four Wise Fools: Supreme Court liberals outvoted still again.

The Far Country: Congress discovers the West Coast. Ignores It.

Idiot’s Delight: Presidential national security appointee fired after secret romance with Russian chief Putin. Didn’t report payoff.

Of Human Bondage: Health-care reform tied up in Congress.

The Quiet American: Secretary of State goes globe-trotting; leaves no footprints or signs he’s been anywhere.

Suddenly, Last Summer: Washington insiders poo-poo Trump chance of winning the election. Then, almost overnight, Trump goes on TV.

Gold Diggers of 2017: Three chorus girls secretly invite corporate lobbyists to White House Rose Garden to wheel and deal with WH staff.

Swamp Things: A president promises to “drain the swamp” but instead hires the corrupt because they’re the only ones who know their way around D.C.

Washington Melodrama: A confused plot involving a president, his beautiful daughter, a newspaper publisher in love with the daughter, a nightclub owner, a water ballet, murder of the swimmer, shooting death of the club owner’s girlfriend, and a bill to aid starving European children. And more.

No Time for Sergeants, or the Press: Reporters are ousted from Oval Office before they can reveal plot to force president to take mental stability test. Guards give the test to press instead.

It Happened One Day: New budget fails to give Attorney General “Corn Pone” Jeff Sessions money to crack down on states’ marijuana laws. Californians cheer.

Never So Few: Frank Sinatra, Gina Lollobrigida take command of valiant Dems fighting Supreme Court conservative majority. After losing, they elope to Rome.

The Dirty Dozen: Lee Marvin, John Cassavetes, and Charles Bronson lead top lobbyists on dangerous mission to fight “clean government” radicals.

The Enemy Below: Congress hardliners plot in Capitol basement to shut down government, hoping to get their way.

Up Periscope: James Cagney and U.S. Navy avert government shutdown, at least until September.

Dunkirk: Canadians spend $1 million on IMAX airplane-mounted camera, far exceeding cost of the original WWII cross-channel evacuation effort.

Show Biz: Oliver Stone interviews Putin on Showtime for four nights starting June 12. Saturday Night Live satire to follow.

Heaven Only Knows: Trump cabinet appointees Mark Green (Secretary of the Army) and Ben Carson (Health) come out against theory of evolution; it’s a theory encouraged by Satan, Ben claims.

I Married a Terrorist: FBI translator weds ISIS terrorist she was supposed to investigate.

Gone with the Windbag: Historians challenge Trump’s erroneous take on U.S. Civil War. Alabama builds him a courthouse statue.

Rich, Young, and Pretty: A president’s daughter visits him in Washington and, in a major surprise to all concerned, finds herself with an influential top White House post and saves the nation from a Putin-led coup.

War of the Worlds: Orson Welles mysteriously reappears ​— ​looking strangely like Steve Bannon ​— ​and stages a fake radio play about the Hill being overrun by aliens posing as Dems and Reps fighting over health care and climate change.