The Upsides of Anger

Anger Is a Sign That Something Needs to Change

When you feel anger, ask yourself "How might I be neglecting myself right now?" | Photo: Courtesy

Anger often gets a bad rap. It’s labeled as something to suppress, manage, or avoid — a destructive emotion that damages relationships and clouds judgment. But what if, instead of resisting it, your anger could be viewed as a guide leading you to something deeper?

Take Allison — a 38-year-old teacher who found herself increasingly uncomfortable with her growing resentment. One day, she confessed to her therapist: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My anger is at an all-time high. Everything triggers me these days — from my son leaving his dirty dishes in the sink to my boss assigning extra work without so much as a thank-you.”

Her therapist leaned in gently. “Can you describe your anger? How does it feel in your body?”

Allison hesitated, then placed a hand on her chest, feeling the rapid thud of her heart. “It’s like a tight knot, constricting my breath — it’s heavy and uncomfortable. And I notice I feel it most when people ask me for things, assuming I’ll say yes. I’m always giving, giving … without getting much in return.”

Over the subsequent few sessions, Allison began untangling the knot buried deeply in her chest, tracing its roots to a lifetime of people-pleasing. She’d spent years bending over backward just to keep the peace, prioritizing others’ comfort over her own.

“I don’t like ‘rocking the boat’ and creating waves,” Allison admitted.

Allison’s therapist offered a different perspective. “What if rocking the boat actually creates more balance? What if your anger isn’t here to wreck everything — but to help you make space for yourself?”

Think about it: When a boat rocks, it isn’t sinking. It’s recalibrating and finding steadiness in the waves. Likewise, when you listen to your anger, you’re not being difficult — you’re simply shifting the dynamics, creating more space for honesty, authenticity, and self-respect.

Allison’s anger, she realized, was a signal: It flared up whenever her boundaries weren’t honored or when she ignored her needs just to meet others’ expectations. Outside of therapy, a breakthrough moment happened when Allison noticed her anger building at work. Her boss had asked her to take on another task that wasn’t hers, assuming she’d say yes, as she always had. This time, however, Allison paused and noticed the tightness in her chest, the heat rising, and instead of ignoring it, she listened.

Poet and philosopher Rainer Maria Rilke once said: “Invite your anger, your sorrow, your fear — invite them all in for tea. Do not try to suppress them, for they are part of who you are.”

To effectively use her anger (versus having her anger use her), Allison decided to “invite [her] anger in for tea.” She took a deep breath and instead of stuffing her anger down, she let it speak. Allison declared, “I actually can’t take that on right now. My plate is full.” Looking surprised, her boss nodded and moved on. Allison felt nervous after this interaction — setting a boundary was uncharted territory for her. However, she noticed she felt lighter, as if the knot in her chest had finally loosened.

Over time, Allison began to treat her anger as a guide rather than a problem or something to ignore. Whenever anger visited, she asked herself the following:

● What boundary needs extra reinforcement?

● How might I be neglecting myself right now?

● What’s my anger trying to protect?

The more she listened to her anger and course-corrected, the more Allison’s relationships improved. She stopped spreading herself so thin and bottling up frustration until it exploded. She told her son, “I feel frustrated when you leave your dishes and expect me to handle them. We’re a team — I need you to help.”

Allison’s anger didn’t disappear — it wasn’t supposed to. Instead, it became a tool, guiding her toward a life that honored her needs, values, and worth.

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions. Yet, beneath its heat lies wisdom to be explored and understood. It can serve as a compass that directs us to see where our boundaries may be weak, where our truth is unspoken, or where our needs have gone unmet. The key isn’t to silence anger — it’s to listen without letting it consume you. Because when we embrace anger as a guide rather than an enemy, it stops being something that controls us — and starts being something that sets us free.