Celebrity Sex Tapes

X Appeal

Why Are Celebs Still Making Sex Tapes?

There are not a lot of things we, as a society, can learn from
Rob
Lowe. The pretty-boy actor and Montecito resident can’t
teach us, for example, how to express genuine emotion in front of a
camera. Or, for that matter, how to build our dream home without infuriating our
neighbors.

But there’s one valuable lesson we can glean from Rob Lowe’s
substantial life experience: If you’re famous, for god’s sake
don’t tape yourself having sex.

Earlier this month, when Kevin Federline
found out wife Britney Spears was filing for divorce, he allegedly threatened to
release a home sex video of them unless she awarded him
millions of dollars and full custody of their two young sons.
Because nothing says “responsible father” like extortion, and
amateur porn.

K-Fed supposedly contacted celebrity smut salesman David Hans Schmidt to
negotiate a price for the four-hour movie, which is said to show
the tabloid darlings getting busy and — inexplicably — playing
chess. I honestly don’t know which I’d less rather see.

Spears countered Federline’s threat by promising to release the
video herself so that her ex couldn’t leverage it against her.
(Which implies there are copies of the tape. Were they planning to
send them out as Christmas gifts?) Federline’s attorney now insists
his client never threatened to blackmail Spears and that, in fact,
no such sex tape exists. Please.

She has gyrated with a snake, French-kissed Madonna, and posed nude for the cover of Harper’s
Bazaar. He compares himself to Jesus in his famously-panned
music. Together, they starred in UPN’s reality
series “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic,” which subjected
the world to hours and hours of the couple’s tamer home movies.

Frankly, if this match-made-in-narcissistic-heaven hadn’t aimed
a 10x zoom lens at their marital bed and the famous flesh that
flops around in it, I’d be stunned. What’s surprising, though, is
… why?

Former Brat Packer Rob Lowe saw a sizeable career slump after he
was discovered to have videotaped himself in Atlanta in 1988 having
sex with two women, one of whom was underage. Around the same time,
another video cropped up showing Lowe in a tawdry threesome in a
Paris hotel room. Speaking of Paris, Miss Hilton’s
famous hardcore romp with former beau Rick
Salomon made more than $50 million when distributed
commercially against her will. Colin
Farrell sued former Playboy bunny Nicole
Narain for trying to make money off a tape of their X-rated
escapades.

And who could forget the honeymoon
video of Pamela Anderson and former hubby Tommy Lee that was
allegedly stolen from their Malibu home only to become the year’s
most popular porn rental? Pammy’s new yet soon-to-be-ex hubby Kid Rock recently went
to court to block the release of a tape of him and Creed frontman
Scott Stapp
getting friendly with groupies on a tour bus. (Was Rock, the author
of such ditties as “Wax That Booty,” worried he’d seem like a
womanizer? Or did the tape reveal him to be a less, um, substantial
lover than he’d have us believe?) I have no problem with these
folks seeking bare-bummed bliss on boats, buses, and in penthouse
suites. I truly don’t. My issue with them committing their
copulation to celluloid is not that it’s raunchy — it’s that it’s
so very, very stupid. I’m sure it seems like a harmless lark at the
time. When most of your life is lived in front of a camera, it’s
easy to forget the inherent value of intimacy. And humility. But
sooner or later, the tape always falls into the wrong hands,
allowing the world to see what these folks look like when makeup
artists aren’t handy to powder their shiny parts. Despite movie
posters, music videos, and millions of PR dollars spent touting
them as unattainable sex machines, they’re revealed to be
run-of-the-mill Hollywood floozies who make embarrassing choices
when intoxicated, and weird sounds during intercourse. If the
Spears tape ever makes it to the Internet, celebs should make a
point of watching it. One glimpse will scare them off of hand-held
cameras forever. If not, it’s bound to improve their chess
game.

For more, visit www.starshineroshell.com or email Starshine@Roshell.com.