I’m not an environmentalist. When the California condor was endangered because of our changing environment I was unmoved. I thought, “Oh well, looks like it’s been replaced by the turkey vulture.” But there is a part of the American environment that is changing so fast that it is threatening a whole species. That environment is the American halftime and the species is the American cheerleader.
Go ahead, put on you binoculars and look for this rare bird during the next NFL game. You will be lucky if during your three hours of viewing you capture more than 20 seconds of this gorgeously exotic rare bird. Their brightly colored plumage may distract a cameraman for a few seconds while filming the game, but these will be the only brief stolen glimpses you will get of a cheerleader. Their true environment, the halftime, has been polluted by NFL commentaries of plays gone past. It is a very sad state of affairs. The noble, nubile American cheerleader put on the endangered species list by corporate NFL greed.
In the name of everything holy, this mass injustice must be stopped. Preserve at least part of their natural habitat, the halftime show, so that the American cheerleader can feel free to prance and dance and throw her hair back with reckless abandon, filling our hearts with joy for the game we call football!
Write your congressman, the NFL commissioner, a late night TV host: Bring back the American cheerleader.
God bless America!
God bless cheerleaders!