New Movies from Old
Coming to a Multiplex Near You!
A WILD BUNCH: While Santa Barbarans mindlessly party at Fiesta, I can imagine a horde of Hollywood scriptwriters hard at work around the Biltmore pool, updating old movies with political twists.
Reefer Madness: Congressional pages take advantage of Congressional recess and invade the Oval Office. Get drunk, have a wild sex orgy, and begin pushing buttons on the presidential desk. When nothing happens, they realize they are just for show to impress foreign visitors. Naked page covers herself with jacket in the closet and then realizes that the shiny buttons are the real nuke codes. When drunk page reaches for what he thinks is her nipple, she whacks him with a huge ceremonial signing pen and throws herself over the presidential seal carpet. WH cops burst in to arrest the pages. Penalty: 12 hours of Nixon tapes.
The Kaine Mutiny: The VP nominee, furious over being relegated to the No. 2 spot, takes over the Oval Office, gets drunk, climbs into the presidential chopper, and is last seen heading back to Virginia.
Ten Nights In a Barroom: Vote counting in Florida goes on for days and nights. Results in a tie between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Supreme Court ties 4-4. Justice Antonin Scalia arises from the dead and declares himself president.
The Wild Bunch: A dozen grizzled, aging cowboys ride into Washington, D.C., shoot up the town, and kill all the evil lobbyists. Robert Holden is declared chief justice with a pistol on the bench.
Hard Day’s Night: Trump wins election. Celebrates by binge-watching the Beatles movie 100 times. Resigns in order to build 100-story White House Tower.
Mr. Trump Goes to Washington: Naive New York billionaire makes a deal to sell Alaska back to Russia, Louisiana Purchase back to France, and Southwestern U.S. back to Mexico. Backs deal with his casinos, which unfortunately are in bankruptcy. Sharp new president Hillary Clinton finds out and kills the deal at the last minute.
The Blob II: Steve McQueen is tough sheriff fighting gooey campaign rhetoric that ate Cleveland and is consuming Philadelphia. McQueen saves democracy by blowtorching all broadcast clichés, florid speeches, outrageous boasts and promises.
Dr. Strangelove: Putin invades D.C. Congress deadlocks on sending out the army, but 10-year-old computer wizard disables all Putin computers, sending the Russian invasion force to Siberia, where it is stuck in the snow.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon: White supremacist David Duke announces a bid for Congress. The ex-KKK Grand Wizard withdraws prior endorsement of Trump, flees to Mexico with campaign funds, and partners with Trump building a casino in Acapulco. It promptly goes bankrupt.
Four Brides for Four Brethren: A quartet of female Supreme Court justices wed their male counterparts. Argue bitterly during the honeymoon, issue dissenting opinions, and lobby the election winner to appoint a fifth justice to settle the disputes.
Star Wars IV: Evil spacemen led by Charlton Heston ally with NRA and invade the world. Ray guns make Earthlings unable to procreate, and population eventually dwindles to Adam and Eve, who, in an inspirational ending, make love and start the whole thing all over again.
Michelle Doesn’t Live Here Anymore: Handsome old boyfriend from Chicago pours out his love for First Lady after seeing her convention speech. Love conquers all. They become greeters at White House tourist entrance. Obama, in a noble gesture, allows her visitation rights in Hawai‘i.
Vietnam II: Ten-year-old science major at UCSB creates time machine that accidently brings Nixon back to the Oval Office. Nixon orders a raid on factory making low-cost wristwatches. In a quick move, Matt Damon switches the watch contract to Thailand, factory closes, raid fizzles. UCSB student returns from an I.V. party and sends Nixon back to eternity. The whole affair is hushed up by the Washington Times.
All the President’s Men: Robert Redford airs an exposé claiming that President Obama was born in Hawai‘i before it was a state. Obama resigns; Michelle becomes president.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: Hillary, Trump, and Russian boss Putin debate on Fox News. Deposed Fox chief Roger Ailes, moderator, declares Putin winner. Vlad files for U.S. citizenship and buys a horse ranch in Maryland.
The World, Flesh and the Devil: Same as above. Why waste a great title?
