A President walks into the Constitution Bar followed by a dozen lemmings. “What would you like to drink?” asks the bartender.
“I don’t drink,” says the President, “I just have the personality of an alcoholic.” “Then what’re you doing here?” asks the bartender.
“We’re going to burn down your bar.”
If you haven’t read the first two parts of “Laughing at the Heart of Darkness,” this is the premise: to use humor to expose and defy this administration’s moral nihilism by expressing politicalcommentary through satirical predictions. (Please forgive that last sentence — I get paid by the syllable.)
Part 3
We will have a new Pledge of Allegiance:
“I pledge my loyalty to the President of the Red States of America, but not to the Republicans which he can’t stand, with one God over our Nation, the biggest and most beautiful, with liberty and justice for some of us.”
A butcher in Cleveland will calculate that the cost of Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s gathering of 800 military leaders from around the world — just to tell them that they look fat — cost us $273 per pound.
Trump will sign an Executive Order that mandates that he, and only he, gets to pick the performers of Super Bowl halftime shows.
A remake of The Ugly American — a fictional movie about an arrogant American official who ignores the sovereignty of other countries in his narrow-minded pursuit of personal gain (thus encouraging foreign soldiers to parachute into a country and assassinate a political leader) — will be awarded theL’œil d’or at the Cannes Film Festival for Best Documentary.
Anti-Trump Governor Gavin Newsom will face a Grand Jury investigation for a parking ticket he forgot to pay in 1997.
Dog killer Kristi Noem, aka Secretary of Homeland Security, has made taxpayers pay for her to live in a beautiful beach house and for two private jets. Reputedly, she will next want three yachts, four Lamborghinis, and five golden rings.
Trump will make Puerto Rico the 51st and 52nd states — Puerto and Rico will receive no federal aidbut they will be gerrymandered to create more Republican House and Senate seats.
Free school lunches will be eliminated due to “National Security” concerns.
Trump will order that all books and documents at NASA’s largest research library at the Goddard Space Flight Center be thrown out because, according to him, any information we need to know about space can be found on a Star Trek episode.
RFK Jr will replace the entire scientific structure of HHS with two divisions: the Department of Astrology and “Healing with Ginger.”
In order to support his argument that he can deport anyone he wants, Trump will text that he “has SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE which proves that EVERYONE IN AMERICA is an IMMIGRANT!!!”
Stephen Colbert’s new late night show, The Enemy Within, will be immediately cancelled after airing its satiric report, “White Power in the White House.”
Trump announces that he will pick Jack Ryan to head the CIA. When told Jack Ryan is a fictional character, Trump calls it fake fictional news.
We will be able to hand deliver our thank you gifts to our troops since they’ll all be stationed just down the street from us.
As if to prove the point that his decision making is informed by social media, Trump will share a right-wing viral video of an Amish family explaining how peace is central to their faith — he thenbrands all Amish as “horse-drawn radical scum,” deports them to an IKEA in Sweden, and gives their farms to Afrikaners.
Stephen Miller, Homeland Security Advisor and virulent propagandist, will be Joseph Goebbels for Halloween, but no one will be able to see the difference.
Trump will win the Netflix Peace Prize, the Amazon Peace Prize, and the Fossil Fuel Peace Prize.
All government websites will list the fact that the South did not lose the war, but that the North stole it from them.
The excavation for the Gold Ballroom will be halted when archeologists unearth an ancient back-bone of the Democrats.
Marines will be deployed to arrest protesters protesting the deployment of Marines.
Since almost all of Project 2025 has been completed, Project 2026 will consist of only these three priorities: to make Apartheid the law of the land, to make Christianity our official religion, and to rename the Washington, D.C. football team the Redskins.
