Peach Taffeta Nightmares

The “thrice a bridesmaid, never a bride”
curse can be broken, I’m told, by being a bridesmaid seven times or
more. Which means I’m back in the running. As a bridesmaid veteran,
I have pulled duty 12 times, with a batting average of 66
percent — only four of those marriages ended in divorce. Of course,
the bridesmaid tour of duty can wreak havoc on one’s ego, nerves,
and pocketbook.

I recall one frantic year I stood four times, as did my fellow
’maiding veteran, Kim. One hot afternoon in Glendale, I witnessed
Kim have a quantifiable Bridesmaid Meltdown, a disturbing
phenomenon rarely seen in public. As we unloaded our gear for yet
another wedding, Kim’s makeup bag broke open, spilling its contents
onto the parking lot’s scalding cement. With fat curlers in her
hair and a dry cleaner’s bag over her shoulder, Kim snapped.

Armed with a pink plastic clothes hanger, Kim launched a tirade
and beat the crap out of my truck’s upholstery (okay, Mexican
blanket), screaming ’maiding-themed epithets. “All the (wham!)
*&%#@ time and (wham!) %#$&@% money I have spent (wham!)
and I (wham!) just %#$&@% can’t take it (wham!) any %#$&@%
more!” Vicariously, it was glorious for I knew her pain well. I had
recently spent $250 on a hot-pink taffeta dress to wear for a
wedding in Barstow … in July. Kim eventually recovered long enough
to reclaim her composure, gather all her makeup, and smile for the
cameras. Ironically, a few years later, she asked me to be in her
wedding.

Clearly I have my own sordid bridesmaid history, but what about
the History of the Bridesmaid? As with most modern wedding
traditions, the history of the bridesmaid varies across cultures,
religions, and time periods. In early Roman times, bridesmaids
formed a “bridal infantry” as they accompanied the bride to the
groom’s village. This similarly outfitted girl gang would intervene
if any wayward thugs or vengeful suitors tried to hurt the bride or
steal her dowry.

However, the Western bridesmaid tradition seems to have
originated from later Roman law, which required 10 witnesses at a
wedding in order to confuse the evil spirits who often attend
marriage ceremonies. (Wedding crashers, it seems, have always
existed in one form or another.) This “zebra strategy” had the
bridesmaids and ushers dressing in identical clothing to the bride
and groom in order to bewilder those evil spirits.

Even in 19th-century England, the belief that ill-wishers could
administer curses and taint the wedding still existed. In Victorian
wedding photographs, for example, only upon close inspection can
one pick out the bride and groom among the matching bridal
party.

Dark forces aside, bridesmaids didn’t officially become required
accessories to matrimony until the mid 1930s, thanks to the
printing press. Originally called So You’re Going to Be Married and
distributed as a pamphlet in New York and New Jersey, this helpful
guide eventually went national, adding pages along the way and
changing its name to Brides. Etiquette? Sure, the publication
offered plenty of useful advice, but it also marked the first
public suggestion that a bride-to-be might consider the production
value of her Special Day. A 1942 article from the magazine offered
this advice: “Bridesmaids, like ladies in waiting, furnish the
colorful backdrop to your wedding pictures, so the prettier the
girls, the lovelier the wedding.” (I’m sure the groom is very nice
but pageantry is the name of the game, baby!)

Of course, participating as a well-coiffed photo prop does have
some drawbacks. Beyond the shame of wearing the same peach taffeta
nightmare as seven other women, there is also the financial burden
of ’maiding. In May 2005, the Fairchild Bridal Group released a
survey of 1,000 brides, which found the average American wedding
costs more than $26,000 — a 73 percent increase during the last 15
years. It’s no secret that much of that trickles down to members of
the bridal party. According to the Web site theknot.com, the
typical wedding with three or four related events can cost a
bridesmaid $1,400. (Still itching to wear specially dyed
pumps?)

Being a bridesmaid wasn’t always so costly; etiquette expert
Peggy Post, author of Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette (5th Edition),
insists heightened expectations for the Big Day created a burst of
new “traditions” that didn’t used to exist. A bridal shower, for
example, tended to be a small, intimate gathering of friends; these
days, some brides might expect two or three showers, plus a
bachelorette party and possibly a spa outing. (The price of
friendship starts to add up right about here.) But, according to
Post, bridesmaids are not obligated to participate in or pay for
any of these activities. Brides who expect or even insist on these
gestures “cross a line,” she writes.

Once the bride pops the question, weigh the cost against your
desire and obligation to participate in her special day. It’s
difficult to turn down a sibling or best friend, but a former
college pal you rarely speak to who lives across the country?
Puh-leese. Have your accountant write you an excuse, if you have
to. Remember, as happy as you may be for your dear friend, no one
is financing your retirement except you. There are plenty of ways
to celebrate her future while keeping yours on track.

And Your Total Is …

Here’s a rough breakdown of how much you may be spending and
some tips to cut costs:

Dress: $210. “I picked this dress so you can
use it again!” rarely applies, although I have put these good
intentions to test at least twice. Measure yourself before ordering
the dress as most stores overestimate to ensure alterations because
they are all part of a sinister bridal industry conspiracy. Beg the
bride to pick a dress with sleeves rather than a strapless
one — those stupid shawls will cost extra. Also, ask about dress
rentals and discount outlets.

Alterations: $75. I was once talked out of
alterations by a busy seamstress who asked me point-blank: “Do you
really want to spend more money on a dress you’ll never wear
again?” Answer: No. Grab a pal and a box of safety pins — you’ll be
fine.

Shoes: $25 plus. Many considerate brides skip
this. My last three brides said, “Doesn’t matter what the style, as
long as they are black.” And what self-respecting female doesn’t
have black pumps?

Strapless bra: $40. A necessary tool in the
fight against droopage and gregarious nipples. You can try the less
expensive “boob tape” but keep in mind it only works on the A- or
B-cup gals.

Hair, nails, and makeup: $150, including tips.
Sometimes the bride will spring for a group mani/pedi.

Gas for travel: $50 per trip × 4 trips = $200.
Carpool with the other lucky ’maids, if you can. If this is a
“destination wedding” that requires plane travel and a hotel room,
expect costs to soar considerably.

Two shower gifts ($35 each) plus
wedding present ($70): $140. Instead of purchasing a gift,
go personal: Make a slideshow out of old photos or offer to pet-sit
while the couple is on the honeymoon. Also, no need to buy from the
registry — that’s for other people with more money and less
personal knowledge about the bride.

Contribution to shower: $30. This is often the
burden of the maid/matron of honor or someone’s mother.

Bachelorette party: $75-$100 (estimated). She
can’t buy her own drinks, can she? Just hope you are both on the
wagon.

Spa Treatment: $60-$100. Often done the morning
of the Big Day, it’s become an increasingly popular bridal
request.