An Epic, 3,000-Person First Date Comes to Santa Barbara

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence was written nearly 20 years ago by New York Times best-selling author and relationship psychotherapist Esther Perel. A global phenomenon, it’s basically the bible for sex. “Even then,” says UCSB Arts & Lectures publicist Charles Donelan, who knew Perel in the ‘90s, “she was coloring outside the lines.”

Perel uses very similar methodologies today as she did then — just with a much wider audience. That audience includes listeners to her top-rated podcast, Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel; 40 million TED Talks fans; and converts from appearances at places like SXSW.

Ahead of her upcoming UCSB Arts & Lectures (A&L) talk, in what Nylon magazine and The Today Show have called an “epic, 3,000-person group date,” Perel spoke with me about forbidden love, ghosting, and how to maintain desire.

Keeping desire alive:  Perel writes in her book that couples who maintain play in their relationships are both “physically and sensually alive.” When we talked recently, I asked her about that. “People ask, ‘How do you sustain desire?’ We own it. We have the capability to awaken or dim it ourselves. And that means in our relationships too. What often happens is that we want our partner to do it.”

Yes, modern dating is brutal:  In 2006, when Mating in Captivity was released, “ghosting” referred to actual ghosts. Instagram was four years away from launch. Whitney Wolfe Herd, the founder of Bumble, was 17. And while ways of meeting partners may have changed since Perel shot to stardom, her methods remain firmly rooted in the same principles.

Historically, she says, you didn’t present yourself to partners. You presented yourself as the child of someone, for example. “Rejection isn’t new,” she says. “Romantic agonies are not new. But they are more intense today because we live in a culture of authenticity.” Today, when you meet somebody, “it’s just you,” she continues. “[You’re] a little picture with a caption. There’s not much protection there. If you are rejected, it’s not because they don’t like your family or income, they just don’t like you. Boom … that hurts.”

On forbidden love:  “Esther’s always been a little bit of a disruptor,” Santa Barbara sex and couples therapist Jenn Kennedy, PhD, LMFT, says. “She says things that are provocative.”

That was especially true in her book’s chapter on infidelity, where she writes, “I’d like to suggest that we view monogamy not as a given but as a choice.” I find she tends to take the approach that what’s best for the whole person may be best for the relationship. It’s part of why her message has such massive appeal. “Her perspective, and the way she phrases things with real-world examples, is so digestible,” Kennedy adds.

Perel’s colloquial writing is present in her book, but also in the way she speaks to patients regularly on her podcast. In her weekly sessions, she talks to couples working through infidelity, lost souls looking for love, secret lovers turned life partners, or potential partners working against obstacles.

So, of course, I had to ask about the Netflix rom-com Nobody Wants This with Adam Brody and Kristen Bell. “The obstacle [for these characters] is the same principle as Romeo and Juliet,” Perel says. “The biggest stories have been stories of impossible love. This impossibility — this need to transcend the obstacles … that you really know what you want when what you want is what you’re not supposed to want … this is where you experience your ultimate freedom. Desire is often predicated on the forbidden.”

In 2019, when Perel was last in Santa Barbara, she used audience questions as a “jumping-off” point for most of her live discussion. “Aliveness is a central theme of my work,” she says. “It’s part of why I do live events — so people actually get to experience [it] in body and flesh, with others. That aliveness isn’t about excitement [or] sex every night; it’s … the way we experience curiosity, vibrancy, serendipity, the unknown … that is part of all relationships. And it’s what I try to create at scale when I do a ‘first date’ with 3,000 people.”

So, if you’ve got a burning question that you’re willing to ask in front of a few hundred strangers, join Perel this January.

An Evening with Esther Perel: The Future of Relationships, Love & Desire takes place on Tuesday, January 14, at 7:30 p.m., at theArlington Theatre (1317 State St). To purchase tickets to the event, visit artsandlectures.ucsb.edu/events-tickets/events/24-25/esther-perel/. To learn more about Esther Perel, visit her website at estherperel.com.