Single Ladies Lament

"The hunt seems to be harder for gals."

Did you survey many guys before coming to that conclusion? I'm sure you've heard the nice guy lament: "Women always go back to the jerk"?

"People say there are more single women than men here; perhaps it's just that the men want to stay single and the women don't."

People say? Which people? Is it true? The Indy runs singles ads- what's the male female ratio here vs. any other college town?

"There's a never-ending supply of cute college girls who are not looking for longterm relationships."

And you'd rather waste your time building a relationship with a guy only to find out later that he's prone to flings with cute college girls? And what was that bit about the steamy affairs with 20-somethings?

You can go to any city in America and hear the same thing from men and women. The excuses might be different, but it's always "dating here is different, especially for us (guys or gals, take your pick)."

This 'catch' sounds like a shark looking for a big meal. What's wrong with eating the pasta special? Sounds like his wallet is what she's really looking at. No wonder she's alone.

A gold digger in the waiting.........

Marrying a surfer with a modest income isn't the end of the world. Being a kind nice guy goes a long way. Especially if you like to surf too.

However, I have friends who were from SB and waited and married engineers and other professionals later in life, 30s and 40s (both not from SB and now living away from SB). Or they married college sweethearts that are doctors making a good salary and can't say I don't get jealous of them. But I don't think they are any happier or sadder than me. Being able to raise two nice kids and getting by in SB with modest means is not the end of the world.

I don't live in SB, but it's the same story the world over. The object of the exercise is not to get married or hook a financier for your shopping safaris, but to find someone who makes you feel good about yourself; who makes you glad to wake up next to them every morning; and without whom the world would be a much less comfortable place. Everything else is just so much cultural nonsense.

And if you view the world through the oddly misshapen lens of Sex and the City, any man worth his salt is likely to run the other way.

Why are these women out in the clubs expecting to find nice guys? That is the worst place to look. These women want the nice guys to hit on them, but the sad fact is that the nice guys are not as aggressive as the jerks and don't have the pick-up skills these women expect of 'their man'. Tell your single friends to leave the bars to the jerks and 20-somethings and get into activities where they will meet the guys who seldom go to bars - and who never go to bars to meet women. These women see the problem as being with the men in this town when the problem is their choice in men.

My gorgeous successful daughter married and divorced two losers over the past years and finally decided to take a 365-day celibacy break, to reset her mindset about what she really wanted. After that, she met the greatest man (note: not "guy") and has been happily forever after married to him.

As a gentleman in my early 30's who moved here in June, found a nice, serious girlfriend right away and is now single again, I have nothing bad to say about the dating scene in Santa Barbara.

Compared to my last home, San Francisco, I've found it much easier to meet people here. I think it's because the dating pool is smaller; people are more willing to get to know you.

Being single again is interesting though. One of my ex's friends already made a pass at me on Match.com. She probably just didn't recognize me, but the likelihood of that happening in San Francisco was close to zero, so it was a surprise.

Despite claims in the comments above, saying the dating situation here is the same everywhere, I'm learning that's not the case. Dating is different in a smaller city. After a breakup, it requires more tact and more consideration to keep from stepping on your ex's toes or unintentionally hurting their feelings. In a place like Santa Barbara, you're bound to run into each other - sometimes a lot.

"decided to take a 365-day celibacy break"

I will say this, when a woman takes a celibacy break, she's really deciding to take a celibacy break. When a man decides to take a celibacy break, it's because he can't get a date.

Just because a woman doesn't want her meal dictated to her with a coupon, doesn't mean she's an automatic gold digger! The guy should have just asked her out for the happy hour and left it at that, in my opinion.

I think it's interesting how if a man is attracted to a successful woman, he's just looking for someone who is strong, independent and driven...if a woman is looking for the same thing, she's only interested in money. Maybe she just wants someone who is as successful as she is. Maybe she's looking for someone who isn't interested in her financial success either......

I think the problem with most single women is that they are looking for love in all the wrong places. Since when do good guys go looking for their future bride in a bar? Our generation of women need to seek their love from God first, finding their value from the only man who will never stand them up-Jesus Christ.

Girls are shallow in their own special ways. Like guys are, we're all looking for that Victoria Secret model, and girls are looking for that stability that comes with a good provider.

So is she blonde, blue eyed, not bigger then a size 6-8 and have at least a C cup? Give her my number, we can be shallow together...

Great topic. I believe that smart, attractive people who are single and don't want to be need to review their expectations: I meet many single women who have unrealistic (often juvenile) expectations for their potential partners; they've spent 10+ years saying no to perfectly acceptable men and as the years pass they don't see that the pool is only getting smaller. Then, their looks start to go and they're staring down an even bleaker road. They don't seem to realize that if they're not attracting a certain kind of man, then there's a good chance that they're not attractive enough themselves to get someone like that. And the further point is that the earth is full of fallible human beings, not fantasy characters and feelings from a Disney movie. Accept what is real.

marriage is the royal road to happiness , a family of ones own ..

"Marrying a surfer with a modest income isn't the end of the world. Being a kind nice guy goes a long way. Especially if you like to surf too."

WIN!!!

Try living in Lompoc.

Hard to find a woman over 30 who isn't a grandmother.

But if you're a gal who's into jailhouse tats, mullets and cigarette stink, this is the place for you!

(come to think of it, that describes many of the women here, too)

'Why should I be blessed with a guy who turns me on and tolerates my considerable freakiness when so many of my hotter, younger, and far nicer friends are still solo-and-searching?'
oooooh, watch out Starshine, there are a lot of divorced women your age whose husbands took the bait of those younger, hotter women you call friends. Maybe then you won't look at those surfers and musicians the same way.

I wish I'd gotten a copy of this column before I'd thought about moving to SB when I was 32. After living there for five years, I have to agree that it's a difficult town for single 30-somethings, and particularly for single, 30-something women.

And it wasn't because I was a gold-digger, or had unrealistic expectations, or spent all my time in bars. I volunteered. I played beach volleyball. I went on hikes. I got involved with lots of different groups and lots of different people. And I didn't expect the guys I dated to spend a lot of money: I was just as happy to do something free like go on a hike, or to do something inexpensive, like go for a beer. I have my own profession and my own income, so I didn't need a "provider," and I don't go on "shopping safaris" so I didn't need funding for that. I wanted someone who enjoyed doing things, who could hold up his end of an intelligent conversation, who had his own interests, and who could support himself. It also helped if he was somewhat attractive and presentable. In other words, I just wanted to date a peer and a equal.

Here's what I met:

The guy who seemed to think that buying me one drink justified a midnight booty call, after I'd already said I had to get up early the next morning.

The guy I went on several dates with and started to really like, who asked me on another date, then called me the morning of to say he'd decided to date someone else, then emailed the next week to let me know that she'd treated him "terribly" but that he still wasn't into me either, but that he was wondering if we could be friends.

The guy who started a first date with "are you a monogamous type" and then proceded to tell me about how his ex-wife had wanted him to have an affair while she dealt with abuse issues. A year later he hit on me through a different dating site, and then responded passive-aggressively when I figured out who he was and said I wasn't interested.

The guy who showed up on a hiking date wearing a ripped, Ernie and Bert T-shirt that appeared to be at least 10-years old.

Overweight 50-60 year-old men on match.com.

On match.com, there were also lots of "successful" men from L.A. who detailed their workout schedules. They wrote that they wanted to date someone "fit" (apparently it will now brand you as a sexist assh__e to just say "hot") and who would support THEM and make THEM feel important and good about themselves (with no mention besides their "success" and pecs of what they could bring to the table).

A LOT of men my age who seemed to only want to date 22-year old playboy model look-alikes.

I don't think finding any of the above undatable makes me superficial, materialistic, or unreasonable. I think it makes me a balanced person who is finding that she is much happier being single than handling this kind of baggage. I moved last summer and I've been much happier in my cabin in the mountains.

Oh, I forgot to add:

The guy who acted like he was doing me a favor to meet me for a "date" at the Barnes & Noble in Ventura. I ended up paying for my own iced tea when I got there. Then he seemed so distracted and made so many random, out-of-context comments, that I was actually checking to see if his eyes were red because I thought he was high.

Let me write about my SB dating history. I just turned 50.

1) I dated a computer programmer for 2 years and we never made it to the bedroom. Kissing was all that was allowed.

2) I dated a cash strapped Montecito woman who I took to dinner 5 times. I fixed her computer and she made it clear she expected me to build her a website. Told me she wanted to lease a house and wanted me to co-sign the lease. At this time, I knew her for 2 months. When I refused to sign, she told me it was my fault she could not get the house. She was mostly cranky and never had sex.

3) I dated a woman who was twice divorced and told me both marriages failed because she had affairs. We started to get serious, I told her I really liked her and she froze up and would not return my calls or emails.

The first woman asked me why older men like women in their 20's. I told her because women in their 20's are much less suspicious and are fun to talk to.

I remember another.

4) I met a woman and we spoke on the phone a few times.
On the phone, she told me a story about a date she had and was very picky about the guy's every action. She did not like it when he touched her.

She told me she did not like to plan ahead. She liked to make decisions at the last minute. I nodded and asked her to an event in 10 days. She said she could not make a decision, she promised to call me Monday before the event. The event is Friday. She does not call by Wednesday and I figure she is not into me, so I sold the $20 tickets back to the company.

Friday morning, she calls and says, "when do we meet?" I told her, since she did not call me, I sold the tickets.

While I do think there are more single women than men in Santa Barbara, it is also difficult for a sophisticated man to meet women here. Here's what I've found:

1. There is a vast population of women in Santa Barbara, who, when you ask them what they do, say "Oh, I do a little massage, and teach a little yoga, and give some Reiki treatments, and work at the Farmer's Market every Saturday and go to goddess retreats every full moon." In other words, they don't really do anything.

2. The Paris Hilton wannabees who just want to be hot and find a hot guy and take prescription drugs and get their Facebook pictures taken in the clubs so everyone will know how hot they are.

3. The self-involved, highly-entitled cougars who show up at all the wine tastings and "Nites" events. Honestly, they are the worst.

4. And, sadly, the women in their 30s and 40s who are interesting and intelligent, but so obsessed with meeting the perfect guy, that they can't relax enough on a date for it to be enjoyable, and for the magic that can really lead to a intimate relationship to happen.

The problem with modern "dating", in general, is that no one does it any more.

Aside from anyone just "hooking up", there seems to be a large percentage of people who pour all their energy into finding The One. Instead of going out on a date, and actually interacting with someone else, the preference is to superficially screen potential mates, along some "compatibility index" (of which, the only relevant criteria should be "red flags"). There's no chance to actually determine whether someone is liked, because they never get a chance to show any personality.

Of course, even asking someone out is a lost art, but that's beside the point: People might be better served on focusing less on people that attract them, and more on the ones that *don't repulse* them.

To break it down to a numbers game, it's all about percentages. With a 5% chance of matching up with someone special, it makes more sense to date 100 people, as opposed to pre-screening 90 of them out, and looking for that 5% in the leftover 10 (which is 0.5 persons, btw).

Another thought on this, is that people equate "dating" with having sex, in which case women are more likely not to want to "date" a lot of guys. On the other side, men should not assume a date equates with sex either. Dating is about having fun, and learning what one wants in a mate--not what one *thinks* that they want!

Lastly, dating might help people learn how to relate to the opposite sex, period. So many of us expect to find someone great, and don't take a minute to look in the mirror first.

[Note: This is a condensed version, of my thoughts on dating, so I apologize in advance, for it being a bit scattered.]

I'm too ugly for Santa Barbara women.

Men: two ends of the spectrum, high-test and low-test. High-test = confident, fun, good in bed, less smart, poor for long-term relationships.
Low-test = nice, stable, intelligent, no game/not exciting
Naturally, small # of men that fall in the middle.

Women: through mainstream media, have developed overly narcissistic attitudes (believe all men should have both low-test and high-test qualities), when it is not biologically possible.

Next step: admit that there are many different types of men, and many different types of women, but we need to begin to understand and embrace the face that there is a female nature, and a male nature. It behooves us to learn about the nature of the opposite sex.

I remember something a former coworker told me about an observation a friend of his made. The friend, a world-traveler who was raised in Croatia, had told him that Santa Barbara was the only place he'd been where natural attraction between men and women was not what brought them together but rather it was about money or status.

When I think about couples who have been married for decades and are obviously happy, it only makes it all the more clear how incredible superficial the modern So Cal dating scene really is.

What is truly scary is that these people produce children while they define success by the money they make.

As I say, look at the 85 year old couple walking together lost in their conversation and ask yourself what they were doing differently from today's people when they met 65 years ago.

Style vs. wisdom: Things are changing, and not for the better.