If Jesus Had Been a Republican

Jesus was reported to be at his home. People came bringing a paralytic. Because of intense crowds, they removed the roof; dug through, letting down the paralytic. Jesus saw this, grew angry. “Why wreck my roof? This house is mine.” The disciples became silent.

“It’s bad enough that you trash my property, now you want me to heal you? Didn’t you see this is a private, gated community?

Jesus turned and said, “Take care of your own health problems. Have your family help out.” “Lord,” answered the paralytic, “there is no one. My pain is horrible. To whom else can I go?”

“Well, not me,” said Jesus. “What would happen if I provided access to free health care for everyone? That would mean that people would not only get lazy and entitled, but they would take advantage of my miraculous abilities. Besides, look at me: I’m healthy and wealthy because I worked hard for my money. I learned from one of my offshore apostles, named Bain.

“I shall make a new Commandment, the 11th Commandment: Thou shall not that heal the poor and sick for free but give them a coupon so they can find other healers on own.”